Excuses, Excuses.

Hello, it’s been a while 🙂 I could give you a long list of excuses as to why I have not been here, but I will spare you. I ran through them all in my head, and they are a cop out. Mostly they are to try and relieve my guilt, and garner sympathy.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. My life is changing again in many ways and I am finding it hard to accept and cope with these changes. So many negative thoughts run through my mind, and I find myself taking a step back and returning the inner talk with my own unsympathetic backlash.

Many times I have caught myself saying “blah, blah, blah” to the incessant chatter that runs through my head. It is a strange feeling, like being out of my body and seeing all this negativity in action. Quite the eye opener!

The most positive part of all of this, has become my new ability to see it all for what it is. Self pity, when you understand your own, is really an excuse to not do the work, not take a step, not take control. When you sit and say to yourself, “nobody cares, I am all alone, what am I supposed to do”, you are taking away your own power. Negating your very being and for me, it has to stop.

With the changes that are now occurring, I have the opportunity to do something with my life. To be who and what I have always wanted to be. So why then, do I hesitate? At times I feel powerful and ready to take on anything, but when it comes to the crunch, I shrink back into my shell and stay there.

Why all the fear? Do I not want to be me? Why do I fear the strength within myself? Why do I care so much what others think? Why am I embarrassed to be me?

Seriously, the thoughts that run through my mind at times, are downright depressing. In my mind molehills always become mountains. The simple things become more complicated, and all because I allow my mind to have it’s way. What am I, if I have nothing to complain about, nothing to stress about?

I think I have always been a “gonna” person. I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna do that. Yet I never seem to do anything. I have written before about my list writing, and I have tried so hard to not do that for a while. I find that I feel lost without my lists. Why does the act of writing a list feel like I have achieved something, when in reality I have achieved nothing?

The fact that I am now becoming aware of all of this, has to be an improvement. When I start to think of something negative and it starts to snowball into something resembling an avalanche, I find that I am now able to stop it from getting out of control. Has to be an improvement, doesn’t it?

Having the ability to stop when you are running out of control, is like a miracle. Being able to stop it all from tumbling into a session of self pity and crying, is empowering. I am strong, I can do this. The more I am able to stop and rethink my thoughts, the easier it will become to stay positive and happy.

For now, I feel like I have shrunk those mountains a little, and regained some control. Next step is to discover why I fear being successful, fear being happy, and fear being me. I have a long way to go, but allowing myself to think of being something other than a mother, is exciting and scary. Everything I do, and have done has always been for others. Now it is my turn.

Can I do for myself, just because? Time will tell, but I intend to push myself as much as I need to, in order to be happy and to be the real me. Wish me luck, I am going to need it!

Margaret ❤

 

 

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One Moment In Time

Another month has passed and this year seems to roll on so quickly. It seems that I stop to think and a week goes by. My first instinct when this happens is that I am running out of time! I’ve wasted another month, haven’t moved forward with any of my plans, and then start to feel a little down again.

This last month though, has felt different. I find myself constantly going deeper with my thoughts. Evaluating each of them on a one to one basis. It has helped to make this time so clearly different to the beginning of the year.

Where before, I allowed the thoughts to pull me down and keep me there, this time I find it more illuminating. The thoughts I have are cross examined to test their authenticity, and more often than not they have failed.

I have risen above the normal responses that I fall into so often and so the time has been well spent. It has showed me that the things I have wanted, needed, dreamed and desired, are notions based in desperation. Getting older, not starting, not doing, all this and more have, in the past, kept me safely stuck in fear. Now with stepping back and really understanding my thoughts, I have been able to see things for how they are, not what my mind perceives them to be.

I feel a little proud of myself for finally having the ability to be conscious in my thoughts. Where before I allowed the feelings to take over, now I assess each thought to find a better perspective. No longer do I aimlessly fall within the security of fear, now I rise majestically to find the higher vibration in each thought.

There comes a time, in everyone’s life, where the old no longer has control. You wake up one day and things feel different, look different and are different. It just happens! Your ideas and thoughts just move up a notch into a better place and suddenly it is not scary, it feels right. It feels better and it feels natural.

I lament all the time I have tried to force myself to change. A waste of energy, when clearly I was not ready for the change. Trying to force yourself into anything turns it into a chore. It’s not fun, it’s not positive and it’s not going to help you do what you need to do. When you are ready it all works.

Everything I have done for almost all my life, has been forced. I had to do it, I need to do it, I want to do it, but I was never ready to do it. It feels like a great weight has been lifted. I now understand that everything will be okay. I end up where I am meant to be and I do what I am meant to do, and it all feels good.

There is a difference in the things I now want to do and be, and it all comes down to the energy of it all. What I thought I wanted slips away easily, to be replaced by new ideas, new plans and it all feels lighter. It feels joyful, I feel the sensation deep in my solar plexus. It is a good feeling.

Whenever I made plans I got excited, but that is as far as it went. The feeling disappeared quite quickly to be replaced by another idea, and another, until there was a mix of ideas that were never going to be achieved. As I released them and allowed my energy to grow and expand, new ideas took their place. These ideas, however, felt different. They did not slip away into the pit of unrealised dreams like before. The energy that accompanies them is stronger and more realistic.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have to make myself take a step, but when I do things flow. If it does not flow then it will never flow. Before, everything felt like it had to have a process, a strict one. Like writing a list and following it to the letter, instead of just allowing one step to follow another naturally.

During the last month as I stepped back, I began to see a pattern to my behavior. It definitely was an eye opener. To see yourself as you really are is quite an experience. I remember sitting in bed one night. I had planned to write a list, again. This list was to be a list of lists I needed to write. As I sat with pen and paper in hand, the notion of what I was about to do, hit me. I laughed out loud. I thought, wow, I have moved to a new level of procrastination, that if I did not stop it, I would be trapped in this energy forever.

The act of writing lists, now seems to me, to be a way of putting off taking that first step. A way to prolong my own victimization, my own feelings of unworthiness. Instead of a list, I just began to write. Whatever came through my mind was put down on that paper. A few days later, I sat and read what I had written and got such a shock.

I got so excited by the words that I almost talked myself into believing they had been written by someone else. What I had written had raised my energy so much, that I again started to write. These words will, eventually, become a book and course, but for now they inspire me to keep writing and to keep dreaming and to keep the flow going.

All it takes is just one moment in time, to completely change your outlook. Never underestimate what you truly are capable of. When that moment hits you, it really does hit you, and you will never be the same again. Take steps to achieve your dreams, if it feels good, keep going. If not, take a step in a different direction. Eventually the one moment in time will occur and your life will take off.

Margaret ❤

 

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Remembering The Plan

It has once again been quite a while since I sat to write. No excuses this time. I just haven’t felt the need to express my feelings to the world. It is after 7pm where I am now, and not usually a time I would focus on writing, but things can change in a moment.

I found some of my writings from the past year or two and decided to read through them. Just to see what has changed in the physical and the mind. I came across a question I had asked of my spiritual team. As I read the page, my emotions welled up and began to overflow. Things have a way of arriving just when you need them, and today is one of those days.

I would like to share the question and answer that came through and hope that it, in some way, helps those that need it at this moment in time.

What to do?

“Be guided by the darkness that surrounds you, allow it to run its course and be released. This darkness is a necessary step for you. When you work through what the darkness gives you, then you will emerge into the light. This is a time of enormous change for you, but you already know this. Why do you resist the changes?

You understand that they are required and you understand that it must be so in order for you to grow. Fighting against the lesson only serves to slow things down and there your frustration begins to grow. If you relax and allow then the frustration will lift, as will the darkness. You know this to be so, so do not resist.

Look deep within the darkness that surrounds you, for within it are the answers to your new beginning. This has been planned by you for this moment in your time, from before your conception and birth into this incarnation. You are now at the point of this life where things become much more meaningful and deeper for you.

Your purpose, your entire reason for being is now underway and yet you still resist. The pain of this transformation is intense, we understand this, but you are strong enough to succeed. You asked for it to be this way, as it is the only way you understood your human existence, could and would, know it for what it is.

Step aside from the human standpoint for just one moment and know this to be true. You are meant to be where you are. We understand that it is unpleasant to your human self, but your spiritual self looks forward to the challenge and the growth that will occur. From this perspective, this is one of many lessons you have chosen for this lifetime and you have succeeded in all the rest, have you not?

Why should this experience be any different? What you learn from this experience, as an experience is all that it is, will help your human side to deal with things much more easily. Each time you come to a crossroads and a turning point, a new road, a change in dimension and level of planetary change you shall resist less. Be aware that although there is pain and anger and frustration that these are human emotions and not worthy of elongating the experience.

The more you understand this the more you can trust that your spiritual core knows what is happening and it is doing, and understand completely that this is important at this time. Understand that this is so necessary now, be grateful for this experience of the darkness, as once your emerge into the light, the darkness shall vanish forever.

This is your final hurdle to the experience of true light living. Once you are there, your human side will wonder why you worried so. All falls into place in a perfect scenario of steps and movement. Be still and listen to what is inside you, your core central truth of who you are, knows this truth and it is time for you to release it into your physical surroundings.

Your purpose is to shine the light on the darkness. This is a beautiful and cleansing experience. Your presence is till required on this plane, there is no other choice than to be who and what you are. You stifle and block from fear of your power. We ask that you unleash your powerful true being and shine the light upon the darkness of this world, for it is sorely needed.

This moment in your incarnation is important in many ways for you, and for those around you and indeed for the world in which you are physical. Many are following your journey, some ahead, some behind and all guide each other along the way.

We are here to assist you as you ask, we are to guide as needed, we are here to just be within your essence. To bask in the journey that you so bravely have undertaken. Be strong, be brave, be whole and be heartened by the fact that your journey through treacherous waters is nearing it’s end. You will emerge, dear one, into the light of knowledge and joy. Safe in the knowing that all is worth the effort and what you have learned you are to share and to guide others who so fear the darkness.

Your journey has been hard, this we acknowledge, but again you knew from the beginning that it would not be easy and that is why you chose this body and this lifetime.

Remember you are loved immensely and we are always here behind you, in front of you and beside you. Protecting and shielding and guiding. Remember you are love and as such a most spectacular and beautiful part of the essence of soul.”

It seems I once again forgot my journey and allowed the fear to overtake it. Rereading these words has spurred me to once again take steps to live my purpose. I hope it moves you enough to do the same.

Margaret ❤

 

 

 

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Lessons On The Path

Another day another doctors appointment. This being ill is exhausting work. So much easier to be healthy and fit. Between doctor’s appointments, chemist visits, and reading up on the new drug they want me to take, I feel like I have run a marathon.

It’s so very easy to take your health for granted. When you are ill it seems like a never ending road. My rheumatoid arthritis is not improving as I had hoped, my medication is not reducing the inflammation as it should. So, now onto a new drug, another one that is supposed to reduce inflammation and lessen the possibility of damage.

I am developing a powerful dislike to the chemicals that they wish to bombard my body with. I started with one problem and the medication for it causes other problems which then need another medication to counteract that problem. It feels like a never ending cycle of more and more drugs.

This new medication is for at least the next two months, at which time the specialist would like to put me onto a biological medication. The thought of this scares the life out of me. In order to have this medication I now need to have a vaccine for shingles, because this new biological drug can cause chicken pox!!

It seems pointless to keep giving drugs that cause other major problems and then have to take yet another to fix it. I already take two different types of medication and the third starts in the morning. Unless I can get this disease under some sort of control, then the fourth will become needed in a few months time.

I feel like I am going around in circles. Any wonder I have always stayed away from doctors unless it was absolutely necessary. I am having doubts that all this is the way I should be handling this disease. Yes, without the medication I cannot move but there must be a better way.

My new goal now is to make sure that I do not need the biological drug and to find a more natural way to deal with the damage being done to my body. I know my body is capable of repairing itself, I have faith that the natural way is the best and most effective. Yet still I hesitate and procrastinate. The drugs I currently take are stopping my body’s natural repair functions from activating.

There are also other considerations, financial and well as emotional to take into consideration. Yes it is easier to take the medication and just get on with life, but even this is affected by my emotional and mental state. Do I take what I am told to take and cover up the real enemy destroying my body, or do I dig deeper and discover the answers that are just below the surface.

I have spent years reading spiritual literature, trying different things to see what fits and what doesn’t. I know the answers are inside me, I know I need to find them and deal with them. I know what I have to do, yet I sit and wait for someone to come and do it for me. Procrastination and fear have kept me from following any and all of my dreams.

Now this disease is here to shake me up and get me to do what I have waited to do for my entire life. Will I wait longer or will I take up the challenge and do what needs to be done? I always remember my paternal grandmother having this disease. I never understood it, I was too young to know how she really felt. All I remember is not wanting to end up just like her, and guess what, here I am all these years later, just like her.

I have the advantage of knowing that I did indeed draw it to myself in my efforts to push it away. I have a much more sympathetic understanding of this woman who seemed distant to her own children and grandchildren. The pain that she must have felt, mirrors my own. Whether or not she let others know how she felt, I do not know but I have tried to keep it more to myself rather than explain it all.

While I am surrounded by those with a little pain that they turn into something huge, I have sat back and let them say, you only have a bit of arthritis, nothing like what I have. If only they understood what this disease is and what it does and how it affects the body, then maybe I would be more open about it.

For now I have my goals, reaching them is something that I will have to focus on with a strength that I have not yet found. Pushing myself to be more than I have ever been and to take the chances that appear no matter how fearful I become is something that I need to find. I know it is there I just need to reach in and dig it out.

My procrastination is so deeply entrenched that I face a huge battle, but my independence, my mental state, my emotions and indeed my entire life, rest upon this journey. To become all I can be and to overcome the blockages that I myself have put before me is the ultimate goal. Health, wealth and happiness will then be the byproduct.

Don’t let things get you down, don’t allow the negativity to take a foothold. Don’t allow yourself to get to the point where you regret not doing anything earlier. Sweep it all away with love, joy and a happy heart and soul. I know I can do it, and I know you can too.

Margaret ❤

 

 

 

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Rejecting The Rejection

Over my years on Facebook I have met a lot of wonderful people. A lot have come into my life and a lot have left. At first I got upset when I felt I had been abandoned, but now I have come to understand the difference in being rejected and just moving on.

People come into your life for various reasons, some for a short time, some forever. That’s the way life goes. You learn a lesson or two and move onto the next part of your life story.

I have learned a lot about myself over the last year or two. Dealing with financial issues, health issues and general upheaval that goes on in everyone’s life. Most people take you at face value, what they see is what they assume, but we are much deeper than that and most people don’t see the truth of the person beyond their physical being.

I know I look fine, overweight yes but nothing physical stands out, yet beneath the surface an insidious disease is eating away at my joints and my bones. The damage may not be seen outwardly for years, yet I feel every excruciating pain of each joint. The treatment itself causes even more damage to other parts of my body that are not connected with the disease itself. Yet for now I have no choice in how I treat this.

The same thing occurs with friendships, romances and relationships of all kinds. What you see in front of you does not always show the truth beneath. People keep their deepest emotions to themselves and rarely do we get a glimpse of just how they feel or what they think.

To outsiders things may look wonderful but deep inside something that starts off small and insignificant grows and grows until everything falls apart and shocks everyone with what they think is the speed of it all. Unless you allow those small seeds of discomfort an escape then it will build and build until they have no other recourse than an emotional explosion.

I have taken a step back and watched myself do this very thing. I have always taken everything that happens around me very personally, but these last 12 months I have been able to almost step outside my body and watch my actions and reactions.

The way I judge myself and others has been a standout lately. The times I have taken, so very personally, something that had nothing to do with me has opened my eyes to the way my personality operates.

It causes upset, disappointment, anger and even fear. All contributing to even more health problems, when really I should just back away. Do what I need to do, mind my own business and let it all work out accordingly.

The same with my journey through Facebook. As people grow and expand their dreams, desire and objectives change. They become different to what you yourself are trying to achieve. The more people around me that changed and moved on the more I thought there was something wrong with me. Now I know and understand that it is all just progression. We all expand and develop at different paces, depending upon our goals.

With some I am left behind, with others I move quickly forward. It does not mean that these relationships have to end, but they do change. This I am discovering is a good thing. In order to develop we need to have new options, new quests and a new way of relating.

Take a step back, look at how you respond or react to what others around you are doing. Look at your emotional responses and choose what is right for you in this moment. If others move on from you then that leaves a space for someone new to arrive. Someone who might have the experience or the actions that help you move into the next part of your life.

Be happy for the relationships that come and go. Be grateful for the illness that forces you to re evaluate. Remember the experiences that brought joy into your life and those that caused pain and most of all celebrate that you had that experience in the first place. For without it you would not be who you are today. There is always something deeper than what appears to be, there is always purpose, there is always growth.

Not everyone has an ulterior motive, not everyone hates you or likes you, but everyone and everything  that comes your way has a purpose. It is up to you to understand that purpose, deal with it and use it to become more of who you really are.

My illness and the people who have joined me on my journey all have shown me the way. It is now up to me to understand it, deal with it and follow it up with decisive action, in order to grow. Can you see the same for your life?

Margaret ❤

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The Essence Of Life

Wow it has been a while. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Year.

Since I last wrote I have spent time getting to know my first grandchild. The time spent with him helped me to understand things about my own life in a completely different way.

The innocence of a child makes you re evaluate how you feel about almost everything in your own life. He helped me remember what it is like to see something for the first time, to experience the joy of achieving something for the first time and to see everything without fear.

Watching him learn to move independently, to see the joy on his face when music moved him, and the happiness when he saw me first thing in the morning, was without doubt the most incredible experience. Something I had not felt since my own children were born.

You forget as they grow older what it felt like when they were small and just learning to make their own way in this world. My grandson brought  those memories back with waves of emotion that shook me to my core. When you have your own children you think that nothing will ever make you feel that love again. When you meet your grandchild for the first time and start to get to know them, all that love pours back into your heart and soul.

Just sitting here writing these words, the emotions are so strong that I have tears. I had forgotten what true love felt like. What a world this would be if everyone could feel this beautiful emotional response all the time. Far too many of us keep these emotions bottled up, afraid to let it out, afraid for it to be rejected, closed off to the very basic essence of life.

It has taken some time for all these emotions to settle, my world has been changed forever. I look at the photos I have of him and smile to myself, what has this child done to me? I had closed off my heart for so long, it was cold and it was empty. Now once again it is full and overflowing.

I understand not everyone can have children or grandchildren, but for every one of us there is something that can trigger this deep love. One thing that reaches out to our hearts and in an instant transform us from fear to love.

You will know when you find yours, it will wash over you with a power that you have no control over. Every molecule of your body will respond and in that moment your life will transform. You will look at everything with new eyes, with renewed hope and with love. Everything will change in that one instance of recognition and you will never be the same again.

Every moment is a choice, every moment you have the means in which to transform your reality. Every moment you can choose to allow love in or keep it out. Every moment you can take the hard road or the easy road. Every moment your reality changes, every moment! Every decision you make changes your path.

Choose the one that moves your heart, choose the one that triggers the feelings of lightness, of hope and of expectation. Choose the one that brings tears of joy, the one that makes you stop and go wow.

Margaret ❤

 

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Stirring From The Slumber.

Well it has been another month since I have sat down to write. It seems that the months of this year are flying by so quickly. I have spent the last month or so trying to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Everything up until the last year or two was heading in a certain direction and now I don’t feel the same excitement or anticipation in that path. Things have most certainly changed in my life and now I have the opportunity, within reason, to do anything I want. The problem is that I now have no direction. Things pop into my mind and I feel that it is a good option, only for it to disappear quickly and days go by before I remember that I had a plan.

It seems that the plan for my life is still hidden behind a wall, one that I have not been able to penetrate yet. I understand the wall is of my own making and yet I cannot seem to see beyond that blankness in front of me. As I sit to write I contemplate what has happened in my life over the past few months and still have difficulty in writing about it all.

The financial stresses for the most part have eased and now I find myself trying to focus on the future with apprehension. My health dictates what I can and cannot do at the moment and that weighs heavily on my mind. Before this illness I had plans for the future, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be, and now that those plans have dissolved I feel lost.

I am beginning to feel a little robotic, in that I wake in the morning, spend far too much time on the computer and then it is bed time. The days are slipping away and I have nothing to show for it. I have written before of my penchant for list writing, but even that does not produce any viable options.

I have been pushed so far out of my comfort zone that I feel that I am slipping back into a life of meaninglessness. My mind craves expansion and recreation of the memories of wonder and learning. If I do not have purpose in my life then I have nothing and fear that I will slip into the monotonous drudgery of the majority of humans upon this planet.

Without purpose and reason we have the tendency to drift along on the currents of life, until we find ourselves a few years or decades down the track waking from the dream of routine and regret. It is so easy to slip into this comfortable space and dream our dreams, but, we need to ensure that we take the action that these dreams require.

The challenge now for me, is to find something to focus on that can grow into a life that I can be proud of. Where my dreams and goals once again take a step forward. Although I have an illness that prevents me from living the life I had envisioned, I now have the opportunity to move onto a new and full life.

I have said once before that this period of my life would be a lesson that I would be grateful for in the future, and I still believe this. It is up to me to stir from the slumber I have drifted into and bring the new opportunities forward. Once again I must make a commitment to finding my life’s purpose.

Margaret ❤

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