Hello, it’s been a while 🙂 I could give you a long list of excuses as to why I have not been here, but I will spare you. I ran through them all in my head, and they are a cop out. Mostly they are to try and relieve my guilt, and garner sympathy.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. My life is changing again in many ways and I am finding it hard to accept and cope with these changes. So many negative thoughts run through my mind, and I find myself taking a step back and returning the inner talk with my own unsympathetic backlash.
Many times I have caught myself saying “blah, blah, blah” to the incessant chatter that runs through my head. It is a strange feeling, like being out of my body and seeing all this negativity in action. Quite the eye opener!
The most positive part of all of this, has become my new ability to see it all for what it is. Self pity, when you understand your own, is really an excuse to not do the work, not take a step, not take control. When you sit and say to yourself, “nobody cares, I am all alone, what am I supposed to do”, you are taking away your own power. Negating your very being and for me, it has to stop.
With the changes that are now occurring, I have the opportunity to do something with my life. To be who and what I have always wanted to be. So why then, do I hesitate? At times I feel powerful and ready to take on anything, but when it comes to the crunch, I shrink back into my shell and stay there.
Why all the fear? Do I not want to be me? Why do I fear the strength within myself? Why do I care so much what others think? Why am I embarrassed to be me?
Seriously, the thoughts that run through my mind at times, are downright depressing. In my mind molehills always become mountains. The simple things become more complicated, and all because I allow my mind to have it’s way. What am I, if I have nothing to complain about, nothing to stress about?
I think I have always been a “gonna” person. I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna do that. Yet I never seem to do anything. I have written before about my list writing, and I have tried so hard to not do that for a while. I find that I feel lost without my lists. Why does the act of writing a list feel like I have achieved something, when in reality I have achieved nothing?
The fact that I am now becoming aware of all of this, has to be an improvement. When I start to think of something negative and it starts to snowball into something resembling an avalanche, I find that I am now able to stop it from getting out of control. Has to be an improvement, doesn’t it?
Having the ability to stop when you are running out of control, is like a miracle. Being able to stop it all from tumbling into a session of self pity and crying, is empowering. I am strong, I can do this. The more I am able to stop and rethink my thoughts, the easier it will become to stay positive and happy.
For now, I feel like I have shrunk those mountains a little, and regained some control. Next step is to discover why I fear being successful, fear being happy, and fear being me. I have a long way to go, but allowing myself to think of being something other than a mother, is exciting and scary. Everything I do, and have done has always been for others. Now it is my turn.
Can I do for myself, just because? Time will tell, but I intend to push myself as much as I need to, in order to be happy and to be the real me. Wish me luck, I am going to need it!