Better Out Than In…

Life sometimes has a way of making you feel so defeated, but when you sit back and really look at it, the good is always there. Taking a step back and seeing your life or circumstance from a different perspective helps you to understand the truth behind your perceived reality.

If we are truthful with ourselves, we always highlight the negative and don’t give the positive the respect it deserves. How many times have you said, thanks but it was nothing, or brushed off a compliment or praise? We tend to put more emphasis on what happens that causes pain, anguish and trauma than we do when something awesome occurs.

I am getting to the stage where I am understanding that my life really is a product of the things I say and do. I achieve something that I think is amazing and it is ignored, but if I make a mistake then everyone sees it and comments on it. Do I expect more people to see all my negative moments? Do I feel unworthy of the awesome moments of my life?

The way you feel in different situations and how you react brings more and more of that into your life. I expect to have something go wrong when things are going right, and they do. I expect to stay in the background and I do. I expect to fail and I do. When I do succeed I am incapable of accepting the goodness that comes with success.

What am I afraid of? Am I more afraid of failing or succeeding? Is there too much pressure on me to keep succeeding if I do it once? What if I fail after a huge success? Unconsciously we all have these thoughts go through our minds. Some focus on the positive and some on the negative. Our emotions sabotage what we are trying to achieve just to keep us where we expect to be.

I know what I want to do with my life, I know where and how I want to live my life, but deep down inside there is a little voice that keeps telling me I am not good enough. That even if I succeed I will inevitably fail the next time. That tells me, who do you think you are to even contemplate success like that. Then reminds me that I am not like all those successful people. So once again I take a step back and wallow in the self pity that comes forth.

The thoughts I think are stuck in my mind, and they go around and around constantly, but when I write them all down they appear to belong to another person. While I write, I can sort them into categories, into their respective places. Writing them all down helps to shift the focus away from  “poor me”  to creative ideas on how to deal with and remove them completely from my inner self.

As I write, it is like reading a story, someone else’s story. I am then able to find solutions to the problems. As I write the weight of all these thoughts reduces, and is then replaced with ideas, dreams and goals. It doesn’t seem as hard as it does when I just think the thoughts.

When you are down, just a little sad or completely beside yourself with worry and anxiety, get out a pen and some paper. It doesn’t have to be fancy. You just need something to write with, and something to write on. The important part is getting it out of your mind and onto the paper. No one has to see it or read it, you don’t have to keep it. The act of releasing it from your inner thoughts to paper, helps you to focus on the thoughts rather than the emotions behind the thoughts.

Try it for yourself when you feel a little sad, and see how much your emotions shift. The old adage, better out than in, certainly applies to your thoughts. The more you shift within, the more the outer world falls into line with how you really want to be.

Margaret ❤

 

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A New Reason For Being

Life has taken another amazing turn, just when I needed it the most. My second grandson was born this week and I am so happy.

What started as an exciting moment, turning quickly into worry and then returning once again to joy, his birth was not an easy introduction to the world. Very long labor, emergency c section and into ICU, made for a very stressful time, but they made it through and are now at home with their beautiful little boy.

Watching a video of my first grandson waving and kissing the screen when he saw his cousin for the first time was a wonderful experience. They live in different states but are going to be great friends. A plus for me is that they will be down soon to meet Lincoln and so I get to see Freddie again.

Facebook messenger is great, I get to see him and talk to him but having him here is extra special. Now I have two beautiful grandsons and life is getting better and better every day. More photos to take, more cuddles to have and watching them both as they grow into wonderful young men.

After the stress of the last few months, illness and worry, I am very happy to have something so beautiful to take my mind of the bad stuff. Although I did just receive a monster gas bill in the mail, but this weeks events have softened the reaction on that.

I have been doing a lot more thinking, sorting and dreaming lately. It is always good to have something on your mind that makes you feel good. Life’s crap can sometimes get you down to the point where you don’t want to get up again. I have had far too many of those moments and not enough of the good ones. Still life has a way to force me into action.

I have always thought that talking things over in my mind, with myself, was enough to shift some habits, but I have discovered that I tend to dwell on the bad things for far too long without letting it all go. I have started a journal, just an exercise book and a pen. Writing down my thoughts and posing questions to myself and answering them has helped to lighten things up a bit.

It is amazing that when you think you have nothing to write about, you end up with 5 pages. All your thoughts, worries and stresses find their way onto that piece of paper. The act of physically writing brings clarity and answers, that I never would have found by just thinking about things.

I have wanted to start my own business for so long. I have been writing a book and a course to go with it for so long. I always find an excuse to not do the work, but writing in the journal has pushed me to want to try harder. I had worried that no one would be interested or that no one would buy what I had to offer, but by writing all these fears down, I have gained some answers.

Looking out and seeing so many people successfully living their dream, sometimes makes us (me), feel less than. It’s these thoughts that kill the desire to write and to create, it’s these thoughts that keep me pinned under a rock, far too scared to venture out. It is now these thoughts written down and explored that are urging me to do what needs to be done. To come out from under that rock and express my creativity.

The joy that my grandsons bring to me, makes me want to be successful, to be a role model for them. To show them that no matter who you are, you can be successful. It is my greatest hope that they grow into strong, resilient men, with hopes and dreams that they can achieve because they have been shown the way.

I take a step forward for them, and for myself. I am ready to share with the world what I have to offer. I am ready to show them that life is what you make it when you have hope and dreams and are willing to allow the real you the freedom to pursue them.

Margaret ❤

 

 

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Back From The Brink

I have done a lot of soul searching over the past few weeks. I had completely lost control over my life. My future has been in the hands of an insurance company and Centrelink. Not a happy place to be in.

I have not slept well over the last week or so, still tossing and turning at two and three in the morning. Pain, anxiety and fear all overwhelming me. At 3 am this morning I made a life changing decision. At 9 am I cancelled my Centrelink allowance.

I am now back in control of my life. No more living in a negative, poverty conscious state. While on these payments, you are made to feel useless, a burden on society and lower than anyone deserves to experience. Relying on a government payment with an invisible illness is, to say the least, depressing.

When the system makes mistakes, and you are sent somewhere that is not helpful nor an option, it only serves to lower your already dwindling self esteem. These mistakes have far reaching affects, on everyone involved.

As most of you know, I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. It is a disease which causes inflammation and joint pain and damage. It is in a lot of cases, an invisible disease, until the damage becomes so bad that you require assistance to live. There is no known cure, nor do doctors know what causes it.

When you have a disease like this but you look normal, you are made to feel like a liar or “faking it”. “It’s just a bit of arthritis, get up and move you’ll be fine”. Attitudes like this and being told I am lazy and don’t want to work, cause far more damage than the RA itself. When I am treated like this, I tend to push myself more.

Last week we had a rental inspection. It happens every six months and while my son does all the housework, he does have to go to work. So last week I decided I would wash the floors. I have a special mop, it has a bottle where you put the detergent and pads on the bottom. All I have to do is squeeze the trigger to wet the floor and run the pads over.

I spent the next 24 hours in so much pain, and most likely did more damage. My lower back and my right arm would not move and it took quite a lot of pain killers as well as my normal medication to be able to move again.

The mistake that Centrelink made, sent me to an employment agency, one that caters for normal healthy unemployed people. I was made to fill in a survey, which was not read, and which I found out later will never be read. Therefore my current physical condition was not discussed nor taken into account. I was told I was to apply for 20 jobs per month and if I did not my payment would be stopped.

Now 20 jobs per month is a lot but just imagine applying for all these jobs and because of illness you are rejected from every single one. Imagine what that would do to your self image and to your health. I immediately flared, all my joints were swollen and the pain doubled.

Luckily I was not on a full government payment. I have income protection and will have it for another 2 years, unless a cure is discovered. The difference between the two payments and the departments involved is massive. The government one does not care about anything other than getting you off the payment. The insurance company gets all the details of your illness, they make their determination based on the physical evidence and the advice from medical experts.

You are treated with dignity and with care, during what is a very stressful time. So now without the stress and pressure, I am now back in control of my life. I can now focus on dealing with my illness in the best way, to ensure the best outcome possible. I will most likely return to working life at some stage, but the work will be based upon my illness requirements and my physical condition.

I think what I am trying to say here is, don’t allow others opinions of you and your circumstances to control your very existence. No one sees you as you really are, they see you as they are. The is a huge difference. Be gentle with yourself and do what needs to be done to ensure that you are the very best you that you can be.

Take back control, it is your life and you deserve to have the life you want.

Margaret ❤

 

 

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Excuses, Excuses.

Hello, it’s been a while 🙂 I could give you a long list of excuses as to why I have not been here, but I will spare you. I ran through them all in my head, and they are a cop out. Mostly they are to try and relieve my guilt, and garner sympathy.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. My life is changing again in many ways and I am finding it hard to accept and cope with these changes. So many negative thoughts run through my mind, and I find myself taking a step back and returning the inner talk with my own unsympathetic backlash.

Many times I have caught myself saying “blah, blah, blah” to the incessant chatter that runs through my head. It is a strange feeling, like being out of my body and seeing all this negativity in action. Quite the eye opener!

The most positive part of all of this, has become my new ability to see it all for what it is. Self pity, when you understand your own, is really an excuse to not do the work, not take a step, not take control. When you sit and say to yourself, “nobody cares, I am all alone, what am I supposed to do”, you are taking away your own power. Negating your very being and for me, it has to stop.

With the changes that are now occurring, I have the opportunity to do something with my life. To be who and what I have always wanted to be. So why then, do I hesitate? At times I feel powerful and ready to take on anything, but when it comes to the crunch, I shrink back into my shell and stay there.

Why all the fear? Do I not want to be me? Why do I fear the strength within myself? Why do I care so much what others think? Why am I embarrassed to be me?

Seriously, the thoughts that run through my mind at times, are downright depressing. In my mind molehills always become mountains. The simple things become more complicated, and all because I allow my mind to have it’s way. What am I, if I have nothing to complain about, nothing to stress about?

I think I have always been a “gonna” person. I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna do that. Yet I never seem to do anything. I have written before about my list writing, and I have tried so hard to not do that for a while. I find that I feel lost without my lists. Why does the act of writing a list feel like I have achieved something, when in reality I have achieved nothing?

The fact that I am now becoming aware of all of this, has to be an improvement. When I start to think of something negative and it starts to snowball into something resembling an avalanche, I find that I am now able to stop it from getting out of control. Has to be an improvement, doesn’t it?

Having the ability to stop when you are running out of control, is like a miracle. Being able to stop it all from tumbling into a session of self pity and crying, is empowering. I am strong, I can do this. The more I am able to stop and rethink my thoughts, the easier it will become to stay positive and happy.

For now, I feel like I have shrunk those mountains a little, and regained some control. Next step is to discover why I fear being successful, fear being happy, and fear being me. I have a long way to go, but allowing myself to think of being something other than a mother, is exciting and scary. Everything I do, and have done has always been for others. Now it is my turn.

Can I do for myself, just because? Time will tell, but I intend to push myself as much as I need to, in order to be happy and to be the real me. Wish me luck, I am going to need it!

Margaret ❤

 

 

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One Moment In Time

Another month has passed and this year seems to roll on so quickly. It seems that I stop to think and a week goes by. My first instinct when this happens is that I am running out of time! I’ve wasted another month, haven’t moved forward with any of my plans, and then start to feel a little down again.

This last month though, has felt different. I find myself constantly going deeper with my thoughts. Evaluating each of them on a one to one basis. It has helped to make this time so clearly different to the beginning of the year.

Where before, I allowed the thoughts to pull me down and keep me there, this time I find it more illuminating. The thoughts I have are cross examined to test their authenticity, and more often than not they have failed.

I have risen above the normal responses that I fall into so often and so the time has been well spent. It has showed me that the things I have wanted, needed, dreamed and desired, are notions based in desperation. Getting older, not starting, not doing, all this and more have, in the past, kept me safely stuck in fear. Now with stepping back and really understanding my thoughts, I have been able to see things for how they are, not what my mind perceives them to be.

I feel a little proud of myself for finally having the ability to be conscious in my thoughts. Where before I allowed the feelings to take over, now I assess each thought to find a better perspective. No longer do I aimlessly fall within the security of fear, now I rise majestically to find the higher vibration in each thought.

There comes a time, in everyone’s life, where the old no longer has control. You wake up one day and things feel different, look different and are different. It just happens! Your ideas and thoughts just move up a notch into a better place and suddenly it is not scary, it feels right. It feels better and it feels natural.

I lament all the time I have tried to force myself to change. A waste of energy, when clearly I was not ready for the change. Trying to force yourself into anything turns it into a chore. It’s not fun, it’s not positive and it’s not going to help you do what you need to do. When you are ready it all works.

Everything I have done for almost all my life, has been forced. I had to do it, I need to do it, I want to do it, but I was never ready to do it. It feels like a great weight has been lifted. I now understand that everything will be okay. I end up where I am meant to be and I do what I am meant to do, and it all feels good.

There is a difference in the things I now want to do and be, and it all comes down to the energy of it all. What I thought I wanted slips away easily, to be replaced by new ideas, new plans and it all feels lighter. It feels joyful, I feel the sensation deep in my solar plexus. It is a good feeling.

Whenever I made plans I got excited, but that is as far as it went. The feeling disappeared quite quickly to be replaced by another idea, and another, until there was a mix of ideas that were never going to be achieved. As I released them and allowed my energy to grow and expand, new ideas took their place. These ideas, however, felt different. They did not slip away into the pit of unrealised dreams like before. The energy that accompanies them is stronger and more realistic.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have to make myself take a step, but when I do things flow. If it does not flow then it will never flow. Before, everything felt like it had to have a process, a strict one. Like writing a list and following it to the letter, instead of just allowing one step to follow another naturally.

During the last month as I stepped back, I began to see a pattern to my behavior. It definitely was an eye opener. To see yourself as you really are is quite an experience. I remember sitting in bed one night. I had planned to write a list, again. This list was to be a list of lists I needed to write. As I sat with pen and paper in hand, the notion of what I was about to do, hit me. I laughed out loud. I thought, wow, I have moved to a new level of procrastination, that if I did not stop it, I would be trapped in this energy forever.

The act of writing lists, now seems to me, to be a way of putting off taking that first step. A way to prolong my own victimization, my own feelings of unworthiness. Instead of a list, I just began to write. Whatever came through my mind was put down on that paper. A few days later, I sat and read what I had written and got such a shock.

I got so excited by the words that I almost talked myself into believing they had been written by someone else. What I had written had raised my energy so much, that I again started to write. These words will, eventually, become a book and course, but for now they inspire me to keep writing and to keep dreaming and to keep the flow going.

All it takes is just one moment in time, to completely change your outlook. Never underestimate what you truly are capable of. When that moment hits you, it really does hit you, and you will never be the same again. Take steps to achieve your dreams, if it feels good, keep going. If not, take a step in a different direction. Eventually the one moment in time will occur and your life will take off.

Margaret ❤

 

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Remembering The Plan

It has once again been quite a while since I sat to write. No excuses this time. I just haven’t felt the need to express my feelings to the world. It is after 7pm where I am now, and not usually a time I would focus on writing, but things can change in a moment.

I found some of my writings from the past year or two and decided to read through them. Just to see what has changed in the physical and the mind. I came across a question I had asked of my spiritual team. As I read the page, my emotions welled up and began to overflow. Things have a way of arriving just when you need them, and today is one of those days.

I would like to share the question and answer that came through and hope that it, in some way, helps those that need it at this moment in time.

What to do?

“Be guided by the darkness that surrounds you, allow it to run its course and be released. This darkness is a necessary step for you. When you work through what the darkness gives you, then you will emerge into the light. This is a time of enormous change for you, but you already know this. Why do you resist the changes?

You understand that they are required and you understand that it must be so in order for you to grow. Fighting against the lesson only serves to slow things down and there your frustration begins to grow. If you relax and allow then the frustration will lift, as will the darkness. You know this to be so, so do not resist.

Look deep within the darkness that surrounds you, for within it are the answers to your new beginning. This has been planned by you for this moment in your time, from before your conception and birth into this incarnation. You are now at the point of this life where things become much more meaningful and deeper for you.

Your purpose, your entire reason for being is now underway and yet you still resist. The pain of this transformation is intense, we understand this, but you are strong enough to succeed. You asked for it to be this way, as it is the only way you understood your human existence, could and would, know it for what it is.

Step aside from the human standpoint for just one moment and know this to be true. You are meant to be where you are. We understand that it is unpleasant to your human self, but your spiritual self looks forward to the challenge and the growth that will occur. From this perspective, this is one of many lessons you have chosen for this lifetime and you have succeeded in all the rest, have you not?

Why should this experience be any different? What you learn from this experience, as an experience is all that it is, will help your human side to deal with things much more easily. Each time you come to a crossroads and a turning point, a new road, a change in dimension and level of planetary change you shall resist less. Be aware that although there is pain and anger and frustration that these are human emotions and not worthy of elongating the experience.

The more you understand this the more you can trust that your spiritual core knows what is happening and it is doing, and understand completely that this is important at this time. Understand that this is so necessary now, be grateful for this experience of the darkness, as once your emerge into the light, the darkness shall vanish forever.

This is your final hurdle to the experience of true light living. Once you are there, your human side will wonder why you worried so. All falls into place in a perfect scenario of steps and movement. Be still and listen to what is inside you, your core central truth of who you are, knows this truth and it is time for you to release it into your physical surroundings.

Your purpose is to shine the light on the darkness. This is a beautiful and cleansing experience. Your presence is till required on this plane, there is no other choice than to be who and what you are. You stifle and block from fear of your power. We ask that you unleash your powerful true being and shine the light upon the darkness of this world, for it is sorely needed.

This moment in your incarnation is important in many ways for you, and for those around you and indeed for the world in which you are physical. Many are following your journey, some ahead, some behind and all guide each other along the way.

We are here to assist you as you ask, we are to guide as needed, we are here to just be within your essence. To bask in the journey that you so bravely have undertaken. Be strong, be brave, be whole and be heartened by the fact that your journey through treacherous waters is nearing it’s end. You will emerge, dear one, into the light of knowledge and joy. Safe in the knowing that all is worth the effort and what you have learned you are to share and to guide others who so fear the darkness.

Your journey has been hard, this we acknowledge, but again you knew from the beginning that it would not be easy and that is why you chose this body and this lifetime.

Remember you are loved immensely and we are always here behind you, in front of you and beside you. Protecting and shielding and guiding. Remember you are love and as such a most spectacular and beautiful part of the essence of soul.”

It seems I once again forgot my journey and allowed the fear to overtake it. Rereading these words has spurred me to once again take steps to live my purpose. I hope it moves you enough to do the same.

Margaret ❤

 

 

 

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Lessons On The Path

Another day another doctors appointment. This being ill is exhausting work. So much easier to be healthy and fit. Between doctor’s appointments, chemist visits, and reading up on the new drug they want me to take, I feel like I have run a marathon.

It’s so very easy to take your health for granted. When you are ill it seems like a never ending road. My rheumatoid arthritis is not improving as I had hoped, my medication is not reducing the inflammation as it should. So, now onto a new drug, another one that is supposed to reduce inflammation and lessen the possibility of damage.

I am developing a powerful dislike to the chemicals that they wish to bombard my body with. I started with one problem and the medication for it causes other problems which then need another medication to counteract that problem. It feels like a never ending cycle of more and more drugs.

This new medication is for at least the next two months, at which time the specialist would like to put me onto a biological medication. The thought of this scares the life out of me. In order to have this medication I now need to have a vaccine for shingles, because this new biological drug can cause chicken pox!!

It seems pointless to keep giving drugs that cause other major problems and then have to take yet another to fix it. I already take two different types of medication and the third starts in the morning. Unless I can get this disease under some sort of control, then the fourth will become needed in a few months time.

I feel like I am going around in circles. Any wonder I have always stayed away from doctors unless it was absolutely necessary. I am having doubts that all this is the way I should be handling this disease. Yes, without the medication I cannot move but there must be a better way.

My new goal now is to make sure that I do not need the biological drug and to find a more natural way to deal with the damage being done to my body. I know my body is capable of repairing itself, I have faith that the natural way is the best and most effective. Yet still I hesitate and procrastinate. The drugs I currently take are stopping my body’s natural repair functions from activating.

There are also other considerations, financial and well as emotional to take into consideration. Yes it is easier to take the medication and just get on with life, but even this is affected by my emotional and mental state. Do I take what I am told to take and cover up the real enemy destroying my body, or do I dig deeper and discover the answers that are just below the surface.

I have spent years reading spiritual literature, trying different things to see what fits and what doesn’t. I know the answers are inside me, I know I need to find them and deal with them. I know what I have to do, yet I sit and wait for someone to come and do it for me. Procrastination and fear have kept me from following any and all of my dreams.

Now this disease is here to shake me up and get me to do what I have waited to do for my entire life. Will I wait longer or will I take up the challenge and do what needs to be done? I always remember my paternal grandmother having this disease. I never understood it, I was too young to know how she really felt. All I remember is not wanting to end up just like her, and guess what, here I am all these years later, just like her.

I have the advantage of knowing that I did indeed draw it to myself in my efforts to push it away. I have a much more sympathetic understanding of this woman who seemed distant to her own children and grandchildren. The pain that she must have felt, mirrors my own. Whether or not she let others know how she felt, I do not know but I have tried to keep it more to myself rather than explain it all.

While I am surrounded by those with a little pain that they turn into something huge, I have sat back and let them say, you only have a bit of arthritis, nothing like what I have. If only they understood what this disease is and what it does and how it affects the body, then maybe I would be more open about it.

For now I have my goals, reaching them is something that I will have to focus on with a strength that I have not yet found. Pushing myself to be more than I have ever been and to take the chances that appear no matter how fearful I become is something that I need to find. I know it is there I just need to reach in and dig it out.

My procrastination is so deeply entrenched that I face a huge battle, but my independence, my mental state, my emotions and indeed my entire life, rest upon this journey. To become all I can be and to overcome the blockages that I myself have put before me is the ultimate goal. Health, wealth and happiness will then be the byproduct.

Don’t let things get you down, don’t allow the negativity to take a foothold. Don’t allow yourself to get to the point where you regret not doing anything earlier. Sweep it all away with love, joy and a happy heart and soul. I know I can do it, and I know you can too.

Margaret ❤

 

 

 

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