Self love and self esteem are something I struggle with.
Feelings of being unworthy and not good enough run through my mind
at the slightest feelings of rejection.
Others may not even mean or realise what I have felt but still it affects me
more than I care to admit.
Why do I care what others think?
Why do I need constant confirmation that I am worth something?
And even when I get the confirmation I make little of it and dismiss it as unimportant.
What am I missing within that would clear up these feelings in an instant.
Allowing all the inner thoughts to come out and share with anyone is
something so terrifying that it brings on anxiety.
What if I am wrong?
What if people don’t like that?
What if people don’t approve?
What if, what if, what if?
Feeling equal with everything and everyone around me should be natural,
but those inner negative thoughts keep coming up and saying, here I am.
Why do I feel less than?
How can I find balance with my inner thoughts and my outer expression.
Outerwardly you would not see the pain and suffering I put myself through.
Inwardly I am screaming for the ability to be able to show how I feel.
But again the fear of rejection is too strong to let go.
My outer expression is the same regardless of my inner feelings.
Anger, pain, terror, and grief all look the same to those around me.
Rather than risk my anger they avoid me when all I really need is understanding
and compassion, a little love maybe even a hug.
I miss hugs.
But my outer expression is the same so it’s better to avoid than take a chance
of doing or saying the wrong thing.
I have kept my feelings close to myself for so long it’s hard to show them.
So how do you find balance.
How do you bypass the automatic reactions and bring in responses instead?
How do you allow your feelings to come out without scaring the crap
out of those around you?
Love is what i need to come back to.
Self love, for without it nothing else matters.
My negativity will continue without it.
My outer expression will remain the same without it.
Now how do I find that which is bottle up so deeply within myself and give it
Realising that I need to change is the beginning.
Consciously watching and listening to myself and my feelings is the next step.
I have to be vigilant.
I have to watch every move I make and every thought I have to ensure that I
can recognise and respond to all those emotions until it becomes automatic.
Hard work? Yes definitely.
Worth it? Most definitely.
Finding balance and manifesting all that is good in my life is the aim and it will
not come easily.
There will be slip ups, falling back into established beliefs will happen.
But being able to recognise this is the first step to bring the love I deserve
to feel within back to me.
Becoming all of me is my journey.
Expressing who we really are without fear is our right.
One step at a time, one day at a time, one emotion at a time.