Monthly Archives: September 2015

Changes Changes Changes

What do I want to do?
Where do I want to go?
I wish I knew the answers to those questions but if I do then they are hidden away deeply inside.
I know I need change, I hunger for it.
Life is letting me know in no uncertain terms that it is time.
The reasons for staying where I am have all but disappeared and now there is nothing left but misery.
Misery I am perpetuating by not making the changes that need to happen.
The excuses, I have millions. A big bag of excuses that I pull out every time I am scared of making a change.
None of them hold water anymore. There is no excuse anymore, there must be change to survive otherwise I shall sit and rot away.
I used to love change. I changed my furniture around constantly. I moved house every 12 to 18 months.when I couldn’t have the furniture a new way I moved. I loved the idea of being somewhere new of being able to set things up again in a different way.
But something happen and I began to settle.
The house leases became longer. the furniture didn’t move as much.
Why I don’t know.
Is it age?
Do I feel like I have to settle to fit in with other peoples expectations?
Did I just get lazy? Or did I just settle for what I thought was security?
Or was it fear that crept in unexpectedly and kept me nervous and afraid of not being secure?
Whatever happened, happened in a big way.
Enough to keep me in the same place for far too long.
My work that I loved now brings depression before I walk in the door.
There is no pleasure in it anymore.
I feel like a robot just doing what needs to be done and then get the hell out before I explode in a ball of flames.
My body is showing me that change is inevitable.
The more I resist the more it hurts.
The more it hurts the more angry I get with myself.
The more frustrated and annoyed I get.
I have no idea of what to do.
I know I need to do something.
If I leave it too much longer I will become like a petrified tree unable to move and will just go back into the deep sleep that some of us go into for most of our lives.
Get up in the morning, go to work. go home have dinner, go to bed.
Then get up and do it all again the next day.
that’s not living, that’s existing.
It’s what I am doing, existing.
But I want to live.
I want to feel pride in what I do.
I want to experience joy in what I do.
I want to be appreciated and know that I am doing great work.
Now is the time for major changes before I slip into a depression that could see me not escape the day to day drudgery for years.
What to do?
I have no idea at the moment.
I just know that there is a need and it is growing inside me.
A step in any direction will be a start.
A plan, an idea, something that motivates me, something that gets my excitement stirring.
I know it will come and I know it will be big.
Are you doing what you love?
If not don’t allow yourself to become stagnant and fearful and angry.
Take a step, make that plan.
Anything that helps you to move out of the stupor of false security and into the joy of living is a great start.

Margaret ❤

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