As i sit to write this I am slowly feeling the effects of the pain killers and vitamins I have just taken. As my pain subsides I begin to see much more clearly than I did whilst in the midst of extreme pain. Unable to walk properly or to sit or stand without intense pain, I had the most depressing and victimizing thoughts of “why me?” ” what have I done now to deserve even more pain?
The last few months for me have been an onslaught of pain in different parts of my body, and as each begins to clear another one takes it’s place. It is so very easy to slip into a space of self pity when you do all you can to alleviate pain and it returns again with a vengeance in another part of your body.
I have once again felt alone and invisible to the world around me as I try to work through the reasons for the pain I am suffering. I thought I was doing things the right way. I have lost weight, I have exercised and become fitter. None of which matters as the pain becomes unbearable again. Thoughts of just running away begin to surface in my mind as they have in the past. To take my pain and sit in a corner and cry until someone notices and takes pity on me. Pity that I would then push away because I am strong and I don’t need it, while secretly craving more.
I have traveled that road so many times before, it is like an old friend, something to cling to when I feel alone, taken for granted or just ignored. This time I must fight, for my sanity and for my life. Nothing will ever change unless I take that first step to owning my pain and my thoughts.
Recognizing all this is the first step and allowing the pain killers to do their job so I can think more clearly is helping to make that possible. My desk is littered with vitamin bottles and pain killers as I attempt to find something to blame for all I go through. This looking outside is not where I should be, inside is where it started and inside is where I will finish it.
I am a spark in the darkness awaiting my turn to shine brightly. Knowing this is the easy part, allowing this is the test. The pain that I punish myself with must give way to the freedom of knowing that I am emerging into the light with a full heart. This is what I must concentrate on, this is what I must allow, this is what I must believe.
Find your spark, allow it to grow and shine. Be you as only you can be and allow the world to open up for you.