Lately I have had so many things happen or not happen around me that I feel invisible. A weird feeling at any time but at the moment with so much happening in my life it is something that keeps jumping into the forefront of my mind.
People avoid me as if I am not there, sometimes people just don’t even see me when I am right in front of them. My comments and posts on social media seem to be skipped past quickly and lost in the mists of time. If there is a reply then it has been a couple of words at most and then onto other things.
I feel alone, I feel betrayed, I feel ignored and sometimes feel like yelling out, Hello I am still here! Or maybe I am not. What I am realizing is that I choose to disappear at times to regain my strength, to think things through and to come back with a more centered feeling of wholeness.
My life at the moment is one huge mix of change. Exciting, scary glorious change that will bring me to a new life. It is time for a new start. A new job, a new home, a new mindset, a new physicality and a new way of dealing with disappointment in my life. A new way of dealing with abundance and joy in my life, something that I have always pushed away due to feelings of unworthiness.
At other times I have withdrawn into myself and not come out for a very long time, but this time it feels different. I can see it all happening around me. I feel the emotions before they appear in the physical. I can, if I choose, change it before the physical reality of it hits. Never before have I consciously had this power over my reality. I have always waited for something to “save” me and move me forward onto the new path with as little pain as possible. Not any more. As painful as it is I am in control.
I am the only one who can pull me through, I realize this now more than ever before. I cannot rely on others. They have their own problems, their own lives to sort out and I can not wait for them to “fix” me. This time around I am drawing on my inner strength to pull me through. To help me to understand that everything happening around me is not personal, even if I feel like it is.
Before, during the withdrawal phase, the negativity in my head would accelerate to enormous speed and depth until I felt anger and frustration at all those around me, which in some cases, not all, was not warranted. Now I allow those feelings to emerge, to sit and to release before I do something stupid 🙂
The more opportunity that comes into my life, the more I have always pushed it away. It’s too hard or it’s too scary or there must be something better than that. Now is the time to look more closely at those opportunities and see them for what they are. Rather than skim past them I need to be looking in depth at what is there and then allow my intuition to guide me to the outcomes that are in my best interests.
In these moments of reclusiveness I will dive deeply into my thoughts and feelings and discard all those that no longer fit with my dreams of a new start. I will make plans, real plans, not those made of fantasies that always seem to slip away just as you almost reach them. I will take steps to make my dreams reality. I have wasted far too much time not doing, that it will take an enormous effort to break through, but I will do it. This time I will not allow myself to hold me back. I will take charge, I will honor myself and I will become what I have always been.
I am healed, I am whole, I am loved.
Now and always.