Monthly Archives: June 2016

Moving On

When does it become apparent that it is time to move on? How do you know for sure that what you are feeling is right? Are you imagining what is going on around you? How uncomfortable do you have to be before you finally realise and say enough?

I have been in the same job for 10 years. It has changed a lot over those 10 years. The things I loved to do were taken away from me. Not because I did not do my job properly or that someone else was better at it, but because they are family and family has to come first. So I moved on to other duties and responsibilities and again they were taken away from me. Still I persisted and accepted the other jobs until I am at the stage where I am so unhappy and so uncomfortable that there seems to be no other choice but to leave.

For a long time I felt like those I worked with were friends, I was wrong. I have been left out of so much and never even knew it. I didn’t know when someone was going on holidays or where they were going. Everyone else did. I didn’t know the boss’s son was engaged, everyone else did. I didn’t even know one of the girls moved house, everyone else did. When I find out anything at all it is from the customers. It makes me feel so sad inside to finally understand that I am not and never have been a part of the family.

My job now consists of cleaning up after everyone else, and I mean everyone. I am so low on the ladder that I cannot even see the bottom rung anymore. If I don’t do what the others expect of me I get lectured. Not by the boss mind you, but by another staff member. It does not matter that I have been in constant pain 24 hours a day 7 days a week for over 6 months. No, I am not pulling my weight. I am not doing their work so they can have it easier.

I am at the point where I feel sick when I arrive in the carpark. I dislike walking into the shop. I watch the clock intently waiting for it to be home time, so that I can go somewhere I feel comfortable. My energy evaporates and what strength I currently have leaves me as soon as I walk in the door. My mind goes to the cleaning I have to do, the mess that needs to tidied up and put away. The bending and stretching that is required but causes pain.

So how do you move on from that, how do you stop and understand what is going on around you and make the changes required. I know I need to leave, for my own well being and sanity. I should have left a long time ago but felt obligated to stay. I felt like I was letting people down. Mostly I thought I was helpful and doing my job but all the while others were knocking my feet out from under me without me even noticing.

So now it is time for change. Not sure what to do and how to even begin to make the changes. I cannot simply up and walk away, life as it is forbids this. There are bills to pay, the landlord would like his rent paid, food to buy, and other commitments that cannot be just let go of.

For now, while I decide what it is that I want to do, as opposed to what I need to do, I will become stronger. I will keep to myself. If my colleagues do not wish to share with me, then so be it. I will make my plans and will execute them at the appropriate time. I will strengthen my energy field so that when i walk in the door a wall of doubt and negativity does not hit me in the face.

I will choose to have the life I want to have. Because choosing is the only way for it to happen. Wishing and dreaming do not have the power to make the major changes I am considering, it must be a choice. A soul based, heart led choice. One that will elevate my vibration and lead me to that which is waiting for me to accept it.

I will concentrate on the positive parts of my life. I will accept my pay check with gratitude and humbleness. I will pay my bills and my landlord with thanks for what they provide me. I will make my plans, I will make my changes, i will succeed in living the life I know I can have.

I have allowed this lower energy to suffocate me for far too long and now it must change. I see it and I feel it so deeply that it must be so. A new beginning is here and it is time to embrace it and to run with it. If you feel as stuck as I have then there is no other choice but to make that move, take a step. I will let go of the old and allow the new to enter. Now.

Margaret ❤

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Letting Go To Heal

When you get to a point in your life that every thing seems so hard to let go of, what do you do? I have held so tightly to my pain for the last 12 months that it is like tearing my heart out to release it and let it go.

My pain is like a friend, a best friend. Something I could count on to always be there. It serves a purpose, although not a healthy purpose, a purpose none the least. It enable the victim in me to be in her glee. The poor me to surface at the most appropriate time for maximum benefit. It allowed me to wallow in self pity, and all the while, underneath, it slowly did more and more damage. Damage to my self esteem, damage to my body and damage to my mind.

Today I had the most amazing healing session. It is called Ortho Bionomy, which is a healing process using gentle manipulation and pressure. It incorporated Reiki and Energy Healing. The difference between this healing and the Osteopathic treatments I have had for the last few months is astounding.

I came out feeling much more relaxed and more pain free than I have for such a long time. I could feel when I tensed up and could release it, I let it go as much as is possible for me at this time. I realised that breaking away from this relationship with my pain is for the best. It has held me too tightly for too long. I need to let it go and move on.

The gentleness of the treatment allowed me to clear a little of the madness in my mind. I cannot meditate, I fidget, I get itchy, my mind thinks of everything at once and then some. But, today I stayed still and allowed the energy to calm me and make me feel relaxed and not as anxious as normal. Although anxiousness was the first thing that was felt before the session even started, I think that by the end I felt a little less stressed.

I also managed to say out loud a few things about myself that in other circumstances would never see the light of day. That was eye opening and since my biggest problem apart from pain is my lack of trust, then trusting that speaking those words out loud was something huge for me.

Trust for me is, along with honesty, the most important thing in my life. If I can’t trust then there is nothing, and at the moment I don’t trust my body and this is why my pain is not leaving. It knows I am expecting it and so it arrives.

When I walked in the door I felt at home. It felt good, it felt peaceful it felt soft. As I drove home I realised that this was what was missing in my own home. I rent and so don’t feel attached to where I live. This is another way for me to be able to just run away when I need to or when I want to. I understand now how sterile my house feels. It is not a home it is a house and this also needs to change. I have what I need to make it a home, it is all packed away in cabinets and boxes, waiting for the elusive “when I get my own home” or “when this happens then I’ll” which in my current mindset is always in the future.

Letting go and allowing my body to heal, and to dig deeper into my own thoughts and feelings is something that needs to be done. Now rather than later. By consciously letting go of everything that I have felt and thought up until now, slowly at first, then the trust that I so desperately need will surface. It begins with turning my house into my home. By allowing all the things that bring me joy to actually bring me joy.

As I let go of the old and the pain I allow space for everything I have ever dreamed of to manifest. A new life is coming and the only thing blocking this is me. To heal fully I need to let go and so I start with something easy like my surroundings. Something not so big and scary that will have me running away to find cover. One step at a time, I am becoming me again. Fully trusting myself and allowing life to find me again.

Margaret ❤

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

The Art Of Choosing.

When I look back over my life and the choices I have made, I wonder what on earth I was thinking at the time. Some have been great choices, some have been bad choices and some have been in the “what the hell, why not” category. Most have led me to where I am now, and although I sometimes complain about things, I do know that I am exactly where I am meant to be.

The lessons I have learned from the choices I have made have been huge. I am independent, mostly, and can tackle most things without worrying if they will turn out or not. But, there are times where I have made choices, and they were good choices, and I didn’t follow through with it all.

Why do we get ourselves to a point where we know what we want, how we want it and sometimes even how to get it and then just let it all slip away? Is it the thrill of the wanting, but the actual getting is not important? Is it fear of the actual getting? Why would we be scared of getting what we hope and dream for?

My hopes and dreams are all written down in lists. Multiple lists. I have lists for everything. They all sit neatly in a pile of exercise books and collect dust. I write them down and get all excited about the possibilities, then put the book away and promptly forget all about it.

I choose to choose but do not choose to reach. I choose to choose but do not choose to try. I choose for the sake of choosing. Then I choose not to proceed. My art of choosing needs serious updating.

So how to get from the choosing to the reaching and succeeding. Do I have to force myself to watch every moment to make sure I am not forgetting my chosen choice? That will only make the choice something that I will end up despising at most or a chore at the least.

For me, at this time in my life, focus is going to be very important. I have always flitted from one thing to another. Always chasing the elusive something that will make everything perfect, and in doing that missing all the important small stuff that goes on around me.

So now I am going to throw out the lists, all of them. They only serve to remind me of the failures and the lost opportunities that I have let slip through my fingers. Then I am going to choose.

Happiness, joy, love and abundance.

That is the only choice I really need to make. When I succeed at allowing these into my life, then anything else will follow naturally. No pushing, no fighting, no chores and no lists required. It’s all there, all I have to do is accept it all. Allow them to enter my life and ask them to stay. Simple.

Life does not need to be a big dramatic series of events. It merely needs to be allowed to flow. It needs to be. When you wake in the morning let your first words to yourself be words of encouragement, words of happiness and words of expectation of all that you can be.

What will you choose today?

Margaret ❤

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Honoring Yourself.

There are times where I push myself to my very limits. I put myself and my physicality last just to make sure that I don’t let anyone down. This, not surprisingly, leads inevitably to an illness or pain. Why do i do this, why do we do this? Is there some sort of button that switches on inside some of us that will not allow us to do what we need to do to honor our own health and wellbeing? Guilt? Are we letting someone down? Or is it that we feel that others cannot cope without us there, or cannot do what we do, so we need to do it?

Each time I resist honoring myself I end up in pain, or ill or completely exhausted and usually for no reason other than my stubborness. Everyone manages, everyone copes. No one misses me if I am not there, everyone does what is needed. Then I have the opposite reaction. what is the point of me being there in the first place :/ Either way I am not looking after me.

Being as whole as we can be is the only way it should be. If we are not whole then everything we do will only be half hearted, or cause us more stress and pain. Some may call it selfish, but being true to yourself is the only way that we can be of full service to others. If we are not at full strength then we cannot give all that others need us to give.

I have a really bad habit of letting things get to a point where I have no choice. Instead of honoring the frailty of my body at times, I keep going until I do so much damage that I am forced to stop. If I just take the time to take care of me, then things would not get out of hand so much and then I would be able to keep doing what I am doing without causing more problems.

I have to learn to ask for time to heal, instead I always wait until I am told to stay away until I am healed. No matter how many times I try to ask for time to heal I cannot get the words out. I suffer through the day trying not to let anyone know or see how much pain I really am in. If someone asks, I’m ok, even though I am far from it.

I have spent the last 3 or 4 months in pain from Sciatica and a twisted pelvis. I didn’t take any time off work, I didn’t seek treatment. I thought I would be ok, I didn’t need help, I will manage at work. But in the end it all got too much until I was sent home so many times that I had no choice but to find help. Which I did and am now recovering nicely. It could have been different, I could have allowed what I saw as a weakness, not get to me and seek help earlier. It would have saved a lot of pain and stress. What I did instead, was allow myself to keep going and in doing so caused more damage than there should have been.

Each time I do this I say that from now on I will honor myself and take care of me and each time I forget those words and do exactly the same. Until once again there is no choice but to give in and try to heal the damage. I am discovering that by doing this each time I am causing more problems for those around me. They have to pick up the slack that I am incapable of doing. They have to watch me struggle to do something that normally is very easy for me. Some care, some do not, but all are inconvenienced by my stubborn protests that I am ok.

Will I take heed of the words I have written here next time? Probably not, and probably not the time after but eventually I am going to get to a place where honoring myself must come first. While my mind and soul are ready willing and able, sometimes the frailty of the human body is forgotten. I need to rest and relax, I need to heal from the days adventures. I need to take care of me because no one else will.

Honor yourself because you are no good to anyone unless you are good to yourself.

Margaret ❤

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized