There are times where I push myself to my very limits. I put myself and my physicality last just to make sure that I don’t let anyone down. This, not surprisingly, leads inevitably to an illness or pain. Why do i do this, why do we do this? Is there some sort of button that switches on inside some of us that will not allow us to do what we need to do to honor our own health and wellbeing? Guilt? Are we letting someone down? Or is it that we feel that others cannot cope without us there, or cannot do what we do, so we need to do it?
Each time I resist honoring myself I end up in pain, or ill or completely exhausted and usually for no reason other than my stubborness. Everyone manages, everyone copes. No one misses me if I am not there, everyone does what is needed. Then I have the opposite reaction. what is the point of me being there in the first place Either way I am not looking after me.
Being as whole as we can be is the only way it should be. If we are not whole then everything we do will only be half hearted, or cause us more stress and pain. Some may call it selfish, but being true to yourself is the only way that we can be of full service to others. If we are not at full strength then we cannot give all that others need us to give.
I have a really bad habit of letting things get to a point where I have no choice. Instead of honoring the frailty of my body at times, I keep going until I do so much damage that I am forced to stop. If I just take the time to take care of me, then things would not get out of hand so much and then I would be able to keep doing what I am doing without causing more problems.
I have to learn to ask for time to heal, instead I always wait until I am told to stay away until I am healed. No matter how many times I try to ask for time to heal I cannot get the words out. I suffer through the day trying not to let anyone know or see how much pain I really am in. If someone asks, I’m ok, even though I am far from it.
I have spent the last 3 or 4 months in pain from Sciatica and a twisted pelvis. I didn’t take any time off work, I didn’t seek treatment. I thought I would be ok, I didn’t need help, I will manage at work. But in the end it all got too much until I was sent home so many times that I had no choice but to find help. Which I did and am now recovering nicely. It could have been different, I could have allowed what I saw as a weakness, not get to me and seek help earlier. It would have saved a lot of pain and stress. What I did instead, was allow myself to keep going and in doing so caused more damage than there should have been.
Each time I do this I say that from now on I will honor myself and take care of me and each time I forget those words and do exactly the same. Until once again there is no choice but to give in and try to heal the damage. I am discovering that by doing this each time I am causing more problems for those around me. They have to pick up the slack that I am incapable of doing. They have to watch me struggle to do something that normally is very easy for me. Some care, some do not, but all are inconvenienced by my stubborn protests that I am ok.
Will I take heed of the words I have written here next time? Probably not, and probably not the time after but eventually I am going to get to a place where honoring myself must come first. While my mind and soul are ready willing and able, sometimes the frailty of the human body is forgotten. I need to rest and relax, I need to heal from the days adventures. I need to take care of me because no one else will.
Honor yourself because you are no good to anyone unless you are good to yourself.