I woke up one morning last week with a few spots on my arms. Ignored them and went on my way. Woke up the next day with a few more and then found them all over myself. So now I have been trying to figure out what has gone wrong this time. I seem to be moving from one illness or pain to another with almost clockwork timing. As one thing clears another begins.
Am I allergic to something or is it something a little more sinister? I have had all the normal things that cause rashes. My boss joked that I was probably allergic to work, and I am beginning to think he is right.
I seem to come up with physical ailments at the drop of a hat this last year or so. Whenever I get a little negative something happens. Whenever I need a rest, something happens. Whenever I am annoyed or angry, something happens. I seem to have a reason for not doing things lately.
I have an excuse for everything. It’s not that I don’t see it or know that I am doing it, because I do, I just can’t control it….yet. Trying to get me out of my comfort zone is like pulling your nails off, just doesn’t happen without a lot of pain. Pain mind you, that if I just took the damn step would not be needed. I know there are changes I need to make, changes that I must make, but taking that first step towards them is a step that seems so big and scary that I am not sure I can do it. So then come all the excuses for not doing it. I can make up an excuse on the spot for almost everything. the only excuse I do not use is the the true one: fear.
I am not really sure why I fear moving forward and doing the things I have always dreamed of doing. I have the most magnificent ideas on what my life would and could be like but fear has always stopped me from going after those dreams. Am I scared of actually getting there? Am I scared of succeeding? If I succeed, what is next, if anything? Do I love the journey more than the goal? The journey should be the best part, but for me the journey stops at step one. I manifested pain in my leg and hip, that stops me from walking properly. Emotionally not being able to move is also physically stopping me from walking.
I can only use these excuses for so long, eventually I will run out and have to actually move from my little spot and go out into the real world. Once I take that step I know it will all be worth it. My life will fall into place and all my dreams will begin to become reality. My spots will disappear and be replaced with something else, until I take that step. For now it seems that I prefer the pain to the changes, and that needs to stop. Changing my life would be far less painful and much easier than it is at the moment. I am letting my pain, and my spots and my excuses take control of everything.
It is time to take back my power. Leave the excuses behind and make a move. I will start with something small, something that does not scare me as much as the bigger things. Just one small thing to set it all in motion. After this things should begin to flow. Everything will fall into place and I will be on my way. It is time to leave behind the spots, the excuses, the maybes and the one days. Now is the time to move, now while I see how I am sabotaging myself and blocking myself.
Are you ready to take that step? I think I am. I know I am.