The fog is finally beginning to clear from my mind and body. For so long I have felt guilt with everything. Guilt for being me, guilt for not being me. Guilt for not doing enough, guilt for doing too much. Guilt for not being good enough, guilt for being too good. Whatever the situation, I have attached guilt to it in some way.
I have sabotaged myself and my happiness in so many ways over the years. I don’t allow myself to have fun, because I cannot afford it. Even though most things that would make me happy cost nothing. I overwork myself because I feel that I am needed and that is the only way to be appreciated. I have worked my body and mind so hard in order to achieve appreciation? a thank you? not even sure any more what I have worked so hard for. All I have is nothing to show for it.
I don’t have my own home, most of my “stuff” is second hand. I rarely have any money for emergencies let alone something fun for myself. I surround myself with other peoples stuff and other peoples crap and other peoples problems and then wonder why I am poor, tired, in pain and not able to get ahead. Who’s fault is it? Mine of course, which only now has hit me full on in the face. Of course I think I always knew that, but it was just a concept in the back of my mind which was not allowed out to be worked on and released.
A little earlier today I was coming back from the shops and I looked at the houses in the estate that I live in. Some are beautiful, they have gardens and an aura of prosperity and abundance. As I looked I felt my energy drop, but then something went ding in my brain and suddenly my energy soared. I too could have that abundant and prosperous feeling.
As I thought about having what I always wanted to have, feelings of guilt started to intrude. Not this time, back off, I am enjoying this feeling of freedom. I realised that I could have what I wanted, I could be what I wanted to be and I could feel how I wanted to feel, if only I release the guilt associated with it all.
Mind you that will be much harder than thinking it and writing it. Guilt has a sneaky way of sliding into cracks in your mind when you are not concentrating. It hides and jumps out at you when you least expect it and when it can do the most damage. The trick is to see it and deal with it as it happens. I know I will slip and feel unworthy again, it’s only human to slip back into patterned behavior. My patterns are decades old and deeply entrenched and will take a monumental effort on my part to release.
I will from now on attempt to focus on what I want not what I don’t want. I will think about and feel the happiness that comes with achieving my dreams and goals, and I will at every opportunity kick guilt out of my head and heart and not look back. I know I am not alone, there are so many of us that feel we do not deserve anything nice, or good luck or happiness. But we do, all of us. We are not better people if we have nothing. We are not better people if we think that by saying no we are better than others, stronger than others. No, it makes us weaker, it makes us and those around us unhappy and makes them feel unworthy and sad.
Negativity has a way of expanding rapidly and taking down all those around us, if we let it. Positive energy on the other hand expands much more rapidly and reaches so many more people and raises the energy of everything around us. We deserve this feeling, we deserve this expansion and most of all we deserve to be who and what we are. We deserve the love that is just sitting there waiting for us to say yes, the love that will allow us to accept ourselves and all that is good around us.
So no more guilt. Replace it with gratitude, replace it with joy. Replace it with “stuff” good stuff not other peoples bad stuff. Whatever makes you happy, whatever gives you joy, whatever releases the guilt that is not needed. Do it. Right now, just do it and watch the world around you come to life. Happiness and joy are our birthright, they should be expected and not something that only other people have. We deserve and so shall we have.