Monthly Archives: October 2016

Hiccups On The Path

Well this week has been a doozy. Had everything coming at me all at once. Everyone has an opinion and let me know it. I have gone from feeling excited about the future to depressed because I am not doing what everyone else wants me to do. I am not trusting spirit, I am not trusting myself and I am trying to sort everything out by myself. I should go to the doctors, I should go and get government assistance, I should just take any job that comes along.

What everyone doesn’t realize, is that they are pushing me further into my shell, rather than forcing me to stand up and do what needs to be done. The more I am nagged the more I back away. The more I am pushed the more I retreat. Just going around in circles at the moment and not getting anywhere.

I know they all mean well, they just don’t understand things from my point of view. I think I have felt like a failure for so much of my life that everyone just expects it to happen, me included. I do what I do and wait for it all to fall apart, and because I am waiting for it, like clockwork it all goes downhill.

I don’t want to take just any job, I would really like something that makes me think, that keeps my mind ticking over with possibilities. I would like to do something I am proud of instead of something to just bring in some money. I know if I take a job like that I will get stuck again, I will stay there until like the last job I am forced into leaving. I will get myself into a comfortable position and not move for another 10 years. I don’t want that this time. I want to enjoy my work, I want to achieve something. I want to feel proud of myself because I have done something good.

I had government assistance when I divorced, I stayed on it until my youngest was too old to receive it, I got comfortable and didn’t try to improve myself or my circumstances. There was probably plenty of opportunity to do so, but I got stuck and afraid to move, so I didn’t until I had no choice. When I started working again I vowed I would never go back to government assistance. It made me feel like a failure, I was a failure. I didn’t have to do anything to get it, I just got it. It made me slack, it made me lazy. Not going to do that again. I have every intention, no matter how wild it sounds, to be a completely self funded retiree. Don’t know how, but it is happening, it is what I want and what I want I manifest.

Good or bad, manifesting has always been easy. I only just made this realization in the last few months. When I want something it turns up, usually I really don’t want it so I push it away and then get upset because what I wanted was taken away. The realization that I asked for it to come and for it to be taken away was quite shocking for me to finally understand. I manifested the job I thought I wanted, down to the payrate and the hours and while I waited for it to come to me I thought too much about it. I thought about how I really didn’t want to go back to that industry, that I would become down and depressed if I took it and so with those thoughts I manifested a rejection letter.

As I cried because yet again I had failed, or thought I had failed, I realized that I asked for it. Up until that moment I had not really thought about the power I had to draw things to me and push them away. I always thought others were so good at it and they got everything they wanted and I was bad at it. Until I saw that I too, could be that powerful, I just had to be more specific.

With the trusting of spirit, I do trust spirit. I don’t trust my interpretation of what I am being shown and told. Why, I have yet to figure out, but as everything else is being shown much more clearly to me, I am sure that whatever blockage is stopping me, I will find it soon. I second guess everything and people assume that I don’t trust spirit and what I am being shown to do. Learning to trust the first thought that comes into my mind is very hard for me. It always has been. Again I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of rejection. If I get it wrong I will be rejected, so instead I think and think and ultimately do nothing.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling horrible and in pain. I had been feeling so good. I was walking a lot and my leg was getting stronger and I could walk without limping, my hands and fingers felt great. I had one day last week where I felt down after the rejection email and it manifested as pain, but I got through that and was feeling good again. I understood why I was rejected and how I had allowed that to happen, so my body started to feel great again. Then yesterday, the energy around me brought me crashing to the ground again.

I don’t even know what triggered it, I just know that I felt like I had been trampled over and everything hurt again. This morning was a little better and now as I write this I feel even better again. I think that this little hiccup was my attempt to get back to somewhere safe. I was safe with my pain, it was mine and it allowed me to not have to function properly. But it also got frustrating, so much more than it had over the last 12 months.

I know I am done with the pain, I am done with feeling sorry for myself and I am done with living like this. I want my life back, in fact I want a better life back. Over the last few days I have reminded myself of one of my grandmothers. She got to the stage where she didn’t move. Every time we visited she would be sitting at her kitchen table. To heavy to move, not caring to move. She didn’t even go to her own son’s funeral. I saw myself becoming the same, I saw myself becoming what I had never wanted to become. Because I thought about it I was manifesting it.

I want to spend the rest of my life playing with my grandchildren, having fun, taking them to places that bring joy to their lives. I want to be a hands on grandma, not a sit at the table and ignore them grandmother. So today I walked again, I didn’t yesterday because I didn’t see the point yesterday. I felt so lost and so overwhelmed yesterday that I didn’t know what to do anymore. Today I walked and I kept walking. I made myself move, I made myself think about what I want, not what I am scared of becoming.

I want to find again, the excitement I felt last week, and I want to run with it. I have plans, I have dreams and all I request is that those closest to me, allow me to follow my dreams., Let me try to find the life I have dreamed of, let me do what I am meant to do regardless of how illogical it may seem. I just want to be me again.

Margaret ❤

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My Time Is Now

So what do you do when you have the freedom to do anything you want? Do you look for something safe and predictable or go after long held dreams that always seemed so far away?

I have before me now choices. Which way do I go, how do I get from where I am now to where I would like to be? How do I decide where I want to be, when I am not really sure of anything?

Lots of questions and not too many answers coming at the moment. An income is most definitely required but how to earn that income is not as forthcoming. I have time, but not forever. There is no point leaving everything until the last moment. That just causes stress and anxiety which is of no help whatsoever.

Ideally I would like to work for myself, doing what, I am not sure. With a choice like that other problems then appear. Will I make enough to support myself? Will what I choose to do be wanted by anyone at all? Am I willing to compromise on what I offer just to make enough money?  All valid questions to which I have no answer.

So what to do. For the moment I am not in panic mode, which is very strange because I feel I should be. I have a house to run, I have bills and like everyone else I have a life that requires a certain amount of financial support. I have been independent for so long the thought of having to rely on someone else to help me get through is a little depressing.

I have decided that all of the above, the anxiety, the stress and the way I have lived so far has to change. There is opportunity here to make changes of monumental proportions, if only I let go and allow them to appear. Faith and trust that what is right for me will appear is high at the moment.

I have worked in basically the same industry for all of my working life. Not what I wanted while I was at school, not what I wanted my entire life. I chose this industry because I didn’t think I could do what I wanted. Wasting so many years doing what I disliked has worn down my enthusiasm for life in general. Yet I find myself thinking and looking for more jobs in the same line. I know if I choose one I will be unhappy, but ingrained feelings of not being good enough for anything else compels me to look at them.

I have the luxury of a little bit of time so I intend to look further afield in my search for meaningful work. Can I build a home run business within the next few weeks, and will it have the possibility to be successful? If I don’t try then I will never know. I will however still look for outside work, no point in ruling anything out. My experiences in the world of retail have been diverse. Some happy times, some stressful times and some disappointing times. But, overall I have amassed a huge variety of skills that can be put to use in a variety of ways.

How I choose to use these skills now is something that will require a lot of thought and a lot of soul searching. How can I turn what I have learned over the years into a meaningful career, instead of just another job to pay the bills? A million dollar question if ever there was one. I would really like, this time, to choose rather than make do. Making do leads to more disappointment and unhappy work spaces.

So for now, my search will continue. While I wait and dream of what I would like to do, I put it out into the universe that I am open to something new, something that will elevate my essence and change the way I think and feel. It is time for me to live my dream. I know the dream will come true now, I feel it with every breath I take. Even though I am not completely sure what the dream is, I know that when it appears I will know it. It will bring me a joy that I have longed for, and that I have kept at arms length for far too long.

It is time, now, my time.

Margaret ❤

 

 

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Fractured Employee Loyalty

Yesterday was my last official day at my job. Due to the medical issues I have faced for the last 18 months or so, I have had a lot of time off. I have worked 4 days in the last 8 weeks and have used up all my holiday pay. I still have long service leave to come, which should have been paid yesterday, but that’s another story.

For 10 years I have worked there, the longest I have stayed in the one place. I amazed myself by being so loyal to one company. Why, I have no idea. It seems the more loyal I am the more I feel disillusioned and defeated. I have spent many moments over those 10 years wondering why, if I worked so hard, was I rewarded with having the rug pulled out from under me. I came to understand that it made no difference at that work place, nor would it make a difference at any other workplace. Money is the bottom line and if you have working hours that can be targeted and reduced easily, then you are the target.

It’s a small company and you would think that the staff members would, after all this time, be closer than those working in multi national companies. I know I have written before about not feeling part of the family. That feeling has been strengthened by the last two months. Not one person checked to see if I was ok, or if I was healing. I saw the boss once a week to collect my pay and that was it.

Now it is all over and I just have one more amount of money to collect. I am not surprised, but a little disappointed, that I could spend ten years with these people and not one of them cares enough to even say goodbye and good luck. Reinforces the feeling of being the outsider, which is what I have felt deepen over the last few years.

Will I be as loyal in the next job I take? Probably not. I have said that before though. I promised myself before I began this job 10 years ago that I would never again work hard for someone who does not appreciate what I do. I don’t need to made a fuss of, I don’t need to have certificates that prove how well I can do my job. I just wanted to know that my work was appreciated and not repaid with less hours because I was an easy target.

I have had so much time to think about my life and what I want to do with it, but it kept been intruded upon by thoughts of that job. Would anyone else put up with the things I put up with, just to be loyal to the company. Instead of being paid out on my final day like all employees should be, I am being made to take it weekly. I even have to sort out how much it is and how it is taxed etc. I understand that they may not have the cash flow available with which to pay me all I am owed, but I am very sure that they would not ask anyone else to do it this way.

Am I such a pushover?  Why do I continue to be loyal to those who no longer want me around and those who never made me feel welcome in the first place? Yes I did resign my job, but I felt that there was no choice in the end. The healing that is needed is taking much longer than I expected and once again hours were to be cut, which typically meant me first and me the most because mine are the easiest hours to eliminate. My chiropractor and I have finally sorted out where the original injury occurred. It was at work. I fell off a pallet last year. I thought I was okay so didn’t get it checked out. That in hindsight was a huge mistake. If I had myself checked I could have had the treatment needed and would now be alright, but instead, I thought about the company first and myself last. The injury is recorded in the injury book and had a witness but now it is much too late to do anything about it.

The new job I have applied for, has a medical examination connected to it. I am not sure if I could pass a physical at the moment. I am slowly getting better and my strength is coming back, but some days are still hard. even though this job is still retail it is not as physical as the one I have just left. Today the thought of going back into retail depressed me in a way that I haven’t felt for a long time. Would I get the job? Today not likely. Would I take the job? Probably, so I could relax about the money side of life. Would I be happy? No definitely not.

I am thinking that just maybe I could work for myself. I have some plans and if they come off, then life will be wonderful. I have to put a lot of effort into it to get it started but the effort is mental, spiritual and heartfelt, not physical. I do know that my loyalty would not be abused if I worked for myself, so it is an option.

For now I will still apply for outside jobs as I work on what I have planned in my mind. I will remember the last 10 years, not for the people I worked with, but for the experience I gained. I will move on completely and leave it all in the past, which is where it now resides. Even though I never felt it, I know I was a valuable member of the staff. No one can ever take that away from me, but I will never have the level of trust in someone again. That is a lesson I have learned completely this time around.

For me, this is a time of huge transformation. A time where I can map out and work towards a new life. one in which I am in control of what I do and how I do it. One where the trust is with myself and with the faith that I am capable of much more than I have done in this lifetime. Whether it is part of a team or by myself, I know I will be much more guarded and aware of what is happening around me. I will not trust that things will be done the right way. I will protect myself and my rights. This job has made me realise that hard work gets you nowhere. I had it proved over and over again and still allowed it happen. From this moment on I will work smarter instead.

Margaret ❤

 

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The Perfection In A Moment

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Sitting at my desk today, watching the rain fall outside my window. The beads of raindrops sitting on each leaf of the bushes, all of them perfect in their own special little way. Perfection is something that we all think about a lot. Are we perfect? Are those around us perfect? What do we really think perfection is, and does the person standing next to you feel the same way?

As I watch the raindrops land, sit for a moment, then roll of the leaves, I see that the perfect of a moment ago change into the perfection of now.

Perfection changes from moment to moment. Each fraction of time holds a something that once gone is never repeated again. Each moment is different, each thought, each action, all different. Yet all perfect in their own way. When we look at something that we love, we can often want for that second of time to stand still.That one moment is something that we would, if we could, keep for eternity, As that now passes and a new now appears, it all changes into something else and again we wish for time to stand still in order to relish the perfection which now stands before us.

So often we grieve for those moments gone, the times when we think we have it all. Then something else comes along and we get caught up in the majestic dance of perfection all over again. If only we could be and stay grateful for each of those moments. We would never have to grieve for them again. If we could come to the point where we expect each moment to come, to be something filled with joy and beauty, then we would never again mourn what has passed.

Each moment is stored in our memories, in our hearts and never forgotten. Just filed away until we call upon the emotion that filled that special instant of now. That emotion of joy, of beauty and of love that can change things so quickly. Now is where we are, now is all there is. Now is what we must focus upon. To fill each moment of now with love and the emotions of joy, is something we should all aspire to. To live now, is to forgo worry about the past or the future. The past has gone, you can only change your memories of it. The future is yet to be and that is totally your choice. The decisions and choices you make now, form the future that is yet to be.

There is no point to wishing for something tomorrow, or to have something next week. You do not control what happens then you only control what happens now. Open yourself up to allowing now to be more important. Ask yourself, what can I do now that ensures I can have the life I want? Feel the energy of the life you want, now. Feel the emotions of the life you want, now.

Living in the future, wanting for the future only reminds us of the life we have now. If you are not happy now then wishing for things to be different in the future won’t change anything. Feel the joy now, feel the perfection of the moment now. Understand that each moment is different but each moment is perfection in itself. Life can be nothing but perfect, it is up to us to open our eyes and see it.

Watching the raindrops roll off the leaves, I now understand. Each raindrop has become something new in each moment since it fell from the sky. It has changed from what it was to what it is and although it is different it is still perfect. Each of us are as perfect as that raindrop, and now is the time to see it and understand it. We may change from day to day but each moment of our existence is perfection. No exception.

Try it for yourselves. Choose a moment and see the perfection instead of any imperfection you would normally focus on. How does this change what you see and what you feel?

The perfection of a moment is all it takes to change the world.

Margaret ❤

 

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