Well this week has been a doozy. Had everything coming at me all at once. Everyone has an opinion and let me know it. I have gone from feeling excited about the future to depressed because I am not doing what everyone else wants me to do. I am not trusting spirit, I am not trusting myself and I am trying to sort everything out by myself. I should go to the doctors, I should go and get government assistance, I should just take any job that comes along.
What everyone doesn’t realize, is that they are pushing me further into my shell, rather than forcing me to stand up and do what needs to be done. The more I am nagged the more I back away. The more I am pushed the more I retreat. Just going around in circles at the moment and not getting anywhere.
I know they all mean well, they just don’t understand things from my point of view. I think I have felt like a failure for so much of my life that everyone just expects it to happen, me included. I do what I do and wait for it all to fall apart, and because I am waiting for it, like clockwork it all goes downhill.
I don’t want to take just any job, I would really like something that makes me think, that keeps my mind ticking over with possibilities. I would like to do something I am proud of instead of something to just bring in some money. I know if I take a job like that I will get stuck again, I will stay there until like the last job I am forced into leaving. I will get myself into a comfortable position and not move for another 10 years. I don’t want that this time. I want to enjoy my work, I want to achieve something. I want to feel proud of myself because I have done something good.
I had government assistance when I divorced, I stayed on it until my youngest was too old to receive it, I got comfortable and didn’t try to improve myself or my circumstances. There was probably plenty of opportunity to do so, but I got stuck and afraid to move, so I didn’t until I had no choice. When I started working again I vowed I would never go back to government assistance. It made me feel like a failure, I was a failure. I didn’t have to do anything to get it, I just got it. It made me slack, it made me lazy. Not going to do that again. I have every intention, no matter how wild it sounds, to be a completely self funded retiree. Don’t know how, but it is happening, it is what I want and what I want I manifest.
Good or bad, manifesting has always been easy. I only just made this realization in the last few months. When I want something it turns up, usually I really don’t want it so I push it away and then get upset because what I wanted was taken away. The realization that I asked for it to come and for it to be taken away was quite shocking for me to finally understand. I manifested the job I thought I wanted, down to the payrate and the hours and while I waited for it to come to me I thought too much about it. I thought about how I really didn’t want to go back to that industry, that I would become down and depressed if I took it and so with those thoughts I manifested a rejection letter.
As I cried because yet again I had failed, or thought I had failed, I realized that I asked for it. Up until that moment I had not really thought about the power I had to draw things to me and push them away. I always thought others were so good at it and they got everything they wanted and I was bad at it. Until I saw that I too, could be that powerful, I just had to be more specific.
With the trusting of spirit, I do trust spirit. I don’t trust my interpretation of what I am being shown and told. Why, I have yet to figure out, but as everything else is being shown much more clearly to me, I am sure that whatever blockage is stopping me, I will find it soon. I second guess everything and people assume that I don’t trust spirit and what I am being shown to do. Learning to trust the first thought that comes into my mind is very hard for me. It always has been. Again I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of rejection. If I get it wrong I will be rejected, so instead I think and think and ultimately do nothing.
Yesterday morning I woke up feeling horrible and in pain. I had been feeling so good. I was walking a lot and my leg was getting stronger and I could walk without limping, my hands and fingers felt great. I had one day last week where I felt down after the rejection email and it manifested as pain, but I got through that and was feeling good again. I understood why I was rejected and how I had allowed that to happen, so my body started to feel great again. Then yesterday, the energy around me brought me crashing to the ground again.
I don’t even know what triggered it, I just know that I felt like I had been trampled over and everything hurt again. This morning was a little better and now as I write this I feel even better again. I think that this little hiccup was my attempt to get back to somewhere safe. I was safe with my pain, it was mine and it allowed me to not have to function properly. But it also got frustrating, so much more than it had over the last 12 months.
I know I am done with the pain, I am done with feeling sorry for myself and I am done with living like this. I want my life back, in fact I want a better life back. Over the last few days I have reminded myself of one of my grandmothers. She got to the stage where she didn’t move. Every time we visited she would be sitting at her kitchen table. To heavy to move, not caring to move. She didn’t even go to her own son’s funeral. I saw myself becoming the same, I saw myself becoming what I had never wanted to become. Because I thought about it I was manifesting it.
I want to spend the rest of my life playing with my grandchildren, having fun, taking them to places that bring joy to their lives. I want to be a hands on grandma, not a sit at the table and ignore them grandmother. So today I walked again, I didn’t yesterday because I didn’t see the point yesterday. I felt so lost and so overwhelmed yesterday that I didn’t know what to do anymore. Today I walked and I kept walking. I made myself move, I made myself think about what I want, not what I am scared of becoming.
I want to find again, the excitement I felt last week, and I want to run with it. I have plans, I have dreams and all I request is that those closest to me, allow me to follow my dreams., Let me try to find the life I have dreamed of, let me do what I am meant to do regardless of how illogical it may seem. I just want to be me again.