Monthly Archives: November 2016

Hello, Is Anyone There?

How many times when you think it just cannot get any worse, it does. From health issues to no job and as of this Sunday, no money, to my parents selling their home and not found a new one yet. Now my mother has ended up in hospital with an infection, but they don’t know where. My parents have been very stressed with all this house selling business. At their ages, 80 and 77, and having been in the current house for 18 years, this is a huge step for them.

The accumulation of stuff after 18 years has become overwhelming for both of them, not to mention my son, who every time they bring something else over to our home to store, wonders what on earth they kept that for. Their home sold within a week and I think it shocked them so much, they were unprepared for what that meant and the strain is showing with huge emotions and now illness.

She will be okay, just staying in overnight as a precaution, until they find the infection and treat it. All this on top of their worrying about me and what my son and I will do if I don’t find a job by Friday just adds to the mess that we have all found ourselves in.

It will all work out, of that I am sure, but in the mean time there is way too much stress and far too much emotion around for my liking. I am worried about my parents as well as worried about how I will pay my bills after next week. I have been here before, it wasn’t fun then and sure is not fun now. Last time something came up with moments to spare and I am sure the same thing will happen again.

While I wait for either the earth to open up and swallow me or a job to appear out of nowhere, I sit and listen to those around me. All with well intentioned advice and support. I keep being told something will turn up, but nothing is. It is so easy to sit back and give someone support, but not knowing the intense emotions and the fear that washes through me the moment I wake in the morning, makes it hard for them to truly understand what I am going through.

I have been told to apply here, apply there, all well and good, but here and there do not have any current openings, but check back every 6 weeks we may have one then. I have applied for jobs and amongst the rejection emails are the ones saying thank you for applying we will keep you in mind. My age it seems is a barrier to any sort of work, the experience is fine and if I had that experience and was 15 I would get every job on the internet.

I tried something different. I have always read tarot and oracle cards, sometimes I have been paid but more often not. So why was  not doing that, you know you can do it so go and do it. another brilliant idea that would solve a lot of problems if it were achievable. There are so many out there who love to get card readings and some pay enormous amounts of money to do so. So I thought okay it is time for me to get out there and do it. I made a fancy little picture with what I offer and how much and posted it to my Facebook page.

I made the prices so cheap that a lot of readers would not bother answering their phones for, but I thought, cheaper is better until people get to know my reading style. Three people liked my post. One of my sons, a friend and a liker on my page who has had two readings from me. None of whom are in need of a reading at the moment. My picture will float about in the ether until I get so sick of looking at it with no comments of yes please I would love a reading. Then delete it in disgust and give up on reading again ever.

I tried to sell the things I own, but no one wants what I have. Sometimes I think I missed the boat completely on what is valuable to others. The things that brought me joy, don’t seem to appeal to others. Not even at fifty cents a pop. Another let down in the making and another reason to just give up.

For the last few months I have been working on writing a course. A 10 lesson course on finding and living your potential. Each time I write more within it I get excited. I love what is coming through me and being put to paper. Unfortunately it won’t be ready by Sunday, or the next Sunday. I also have no idea whether anyone would be interested. It may be another one of those things that excites me but others couldn’t care less about. Only time will tell with the course, but I know that if I tried to rush it then it would sit like my offerings of readings, somewhere out there, forgotten and lost.

So what to do now. I have tried almost all there is, the only thing left is government support, which is better than nothing but not enough to cover the rent. So still leaves me in distress and with the possibility of living in my car. It would be a total last resort and one that I do not wish to pursue.

I have been blocked at every corner lately and do not understand why. The Universe must have plans for me but as to what they are, I am in the dark. I can only hope that a miracle occurs and life can try to return to normal. These last two years have taken so much away from me and given me nothing in return. It seems that currently, my life has no purpose and seemingly no hope. I have been through enough and I am done.

So Universe, if you are listening, then I am ready. Ready for my world to bloom again. Ready to take on the new. Ready to start again. Ready willing and mostly able.

Hello? Is anyone there? Can you hear me?

Margaret ❤

 

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Coming Into Alignment

When there comes a time for all of mankind to understand what this world is truly about, then all will fall into place. Until that time there is much to learn and much to begin understanding. When you are ready on a level of frequency then it shall all fall into place. When mind, body and spirit are all in alignment then you will be ready for each step that is required to elevate your consciousness to a new level.

This may sound like hard work, but truly it is not as hard as you would imagine. It is a matter of first allowing yourself to want to know, and then allowing your frequency to fit in with what you need and want to do. We all have our own special gift, something that no one else in any time past, future or present can do or be. You are all unique, there has never been and will never be another you. So how you look at things and how you interpret things is specific to you.

Many people may look at one thing and all may see something different. It is the same with spiritual work. Some may see spirit as human figures, some as energy, and it is all true. Your perspective is what counts, how you as an individual see spirit is what counts.Each persons own vibration aligns with what they feel comfortable with seeing and feeling. What you feel is the most important thing. Seeing with your physical eyes does not show you the truth as it is. Only by feeling can we see the truth of our surroundings and our lives.

What do you think would happen if everyone saw the same thing? If everyone, for instance, saw what they were told or what they felt was Archangel Michael standing before them. Would they all see the very same image? No, they would not. some would see him as a masculine, armor wearing, sword wielding angel with huge wings. Others would see him as pure blue energy and yet again others would feel an energy force around them that equates to what they perceive as Archangel Michael. So you see you are all different, one is not right nor wrong all is truth as it is perceived by the individual. Each of us is born with that little spark of uniqueness that allows us to navigate this world and this life as an individual entity, yet we are still unconsciously connected to all others on the planet.

Each person we meet has something to show us, either physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually. What we see in others is what we can see in ourselves. When you find someone that you really do not understand why they make you uncomfortable, then it is to show you that something about yourself is making you uncomfortable. When you see something in others that you find beautiful, then it too, is showing you something beautiful within yourself.

Having this independence as well as connectedness is something that allows us to be free to experience minute details differently to other sparks of source around you. Your unique perception is what makes us all different, yet still a part of the whole. How often do you look at other people and think, wow, I wish I could do that? The very fact that you recognise what they have and that you want it means that it is available to you also. All you need do is align yourself with the energy of the want and the want has no choice but to emerge into your reality.

So how do you find this alignment? This is the hard question, there are many who teach how to do this yet some are successful and some are not. Why is this? It is our perception and inner most beliefs that make things different for all. If you truly believe that you are not worthy, then you will not be worthy and no matter how hard you try you never will be worthy. There are those who look at others with jealousy and resentment, and they too are pushing away what they want so much. The jealousy and the resentment are aligned with your feelings of low self esteem and unworthiness and so you match perfectly.

To make the change you must change the first feeling. When you look at someone or something with distrust and jealousy and resentment then that is the feeling that becomes your belief. This feeling if not checked grows to become an inner value that you live by and one that becomes, over time, so very hard to shift. If you could just suspend your thoughts momentarily when you look at something, take a breath and see the beauty of what it is, then your thoughts will change over time.

I do know this is so very hard to do, and quite often and many times you will fall back into the first feeling of negativity. But, if you practice seeing the positive at first glance then eventually that is all you will feel and perceive. Make it a practice every day to look at something , no matter how small or how large that you associate with negativity and see if you can find some beauty, some love and some joy within it.

With people that have what you truly wish to have, see their joy at being so abundant and prosperous and try to take that feeling within yourself. Hold that feeling as long as you can and try to totally disconnect with the person themselves, just go with that feeling and see how much lighter and happier you are. Do you notice the difference? Keep practicing this daily, until the first instinct is positive and loving.

This is the feeling and the vibration that will bring you the life you want and the things you want. Being angry and jealous that someone has what you want only pushes it further away. See the joy that other people feel when they have what they want and when they achieve their goals. This is the frequency you want to align with, and this is the frequency that allows all to fall into place easily and smoothly, with no effort.

Margaret ❤

 

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A Taste Of Belief

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What do you do when you allow things to get to you so much that you end up depressed and very down? It is such hard work pulling myself up from the bottom of the barrel every time I drop. Through everything that has happened in the last 18 months, I have tried to stay positive. Everything will work out, it will all fall into place. I have believed that up until yesterday.

Yesterday started out okay, I woke up early and feeling good. I got out of bed and had my coffee. My son went to work for the day, my parents came and dropped some more of their belongings off to store while they move house. Then they went home. I spent the rest of the day alone.

Yesterday was my birthday.

The one day of the year that I look forward to, and the one day of the year that always lets me down. I try to think positively and expect a good day. Deep down inside I expect it to be like every other birthday and it is. The one day of the year that makes me cry and that I want to forget the minute it is over.

Combined with the energies of the super full moon, it made yesterday and today very emotional. Adding emotional stress to my already sore body and mind. It makes me put out a vibration of pain, fear, aloneness and unworthiness like no other day of the year.

Every year I tell myself it will be different. I will be happier, I will be gentle with myself and every year I get a little depressed and bring the walls crumbling down around me. As the poor me energy washes over me while I try desperately to climb above it all, I feel helpless and useless all at once. I know to expect this energy, I know to prepare myself, but every year I am always unprepared for the depth of feelings that this day brings.

Adding to the stress I am already under with my health issues and lack of a job, it is something that I just do not need at the moment, and it undermines what ever strength I have left to fight. Writing it all down helps, it makes me see how I feel and what I am feeling. It helps me to understand that I can get through it, it is not as bad as I think it is.

Everything around me points to prosperity and abundance, the right job and income will appear, things will fall into place easily and quickly. But all I see is a wall, I cannot seem to get around it and take what is being offered. I don’t know which way to turn to find the way through. I am stuck in a maze of illusion and self pity. I smell the victim in myself and yet cannot do anything to push through it all.

There must be a way to get through, and when I do find it I will wonder why I did not see it before. I am allowing the wall of defeat to block me, I am allowing my stress and fear to overcome me. I am allowing all that is good in my life to slip past me, the opportunities not seen, nor taken. I cannot go on like this. I must make a stand, for my sanity and for my health.

I must dig deeper than the victim, deeper than the self pity and dig myself out of the hole that no one but me can see. Everyone around me can see what lies before me, but me. I am blind to what awaits me and the blindness is fear. I sit and laugh at the thought of being fearful of having what I want. What is so scary about being successful? What is so scary of having the life I have always dreamed of? Why do I feel I need to stay stuck in this big deep hole?

As another birthday passes, and more opportunities are frittered away, I wonder what my purpose is. What do I gain from wasting my life being afraid? Why can’t I take that chance, grab it with both hands and run with it? What do I need to push me to take that one small step that will set everything on course for the life of my dreams?

Next year my birthday will be different. Next year I will celebrate like I never have before. Next year I will not allow it to be as it always has. One step is all it takes, one little, big fat scary step. One step that I must take to escape from the prison I have confined myself to. That step is to believe, just believe.

Margaret ❤

 

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Sunshine Dreaming

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Sitting outside this afternoon in the sun, I fell asleep. It was so warm and I gently drifted off. Not something I normally do but it just overtook me, until I felt my neck starting to ache, then I woke up. I spend most of my time inside, I never used to. When I was a teenager I would lay in the backyard on a towel when it was warm. Covered in coconut oil and tanning up slowly. I think I have been deathly white for the last 30 years.

On my days off when I was working I would stay inside. On the computer, doing housework and anything else that needed to be done. I had so many plans but never managed to get to them. I am not the type of person who can just sit still. I sit at the computer but I am doing way too many things at the same time. When I go to bed to watch tv, I have my phone, I have at least one book and I have a pen and exercise book, in case I want to write anything down. I cannot meditate, I get all restless. I need to be doing something. It has made me think about why everything is so quick. The days fly by, people want everything done yesterday, there is never enough time to do something for me.

When I actually thought about it, I realised that there is plenty of time. I waste so much time planning and never doing. I can sit for hours making plans and look up and the whole day has gone. I haven’t done anything I wanted to do and then get frustrated because there is not enough time. More action, less planning is called for.

When you actually sit back and look at how you do things, how you spend your time, how you plan. What actually fills your day is a lot of nothing. A lot of thinking and a lot of not doing. I am a first class procrastinator. If there is a way to stall I will find it, if there is an excuse to put something off, I have it. Funny you never notice things like this about yourself until you actually take the time to stop and look.

I find that I feel I am wasting time if I am not doing at least two things at once. I cannot even sit still for a movie anymore because I feel like I should be doing something more productive. When did I get so hard on myself? When did I decide that I am not important? When did I decide that taking care of me was a waste of time?

I am tired and up until now had no reason to be. I have been off work for over two months now and have no excuse to be tired. Although I am still healing, which is frustrating at the least and making me more angry than I care to admit. How did I allow my body to let me down, why didn’t I notice the warning signs, why didn’t I put myself first when I needed to? There has always been a sense of guilt over taking care of myself. Someone else has it worse than me, there are more important things to do than sitting down and resting. Why do I need to go to the doctors, I am only taking up the space of someone who is legitimately sick.

I gave in this week and got more pain killers. My legs are working fine, I was told to walk, so walk I did. Lots of walking and the walking was great for my legs, gave me some strength that I had sorely missed for so long. It also gave me sore ankles, swollen ankles, locked ankles and so much pain that I almost cried in the chemist waiting for some codeine to take away the pain. I don’t like to rely on pain killers, I don’t like to take medication period. I have no need to, so I thought, but at the moment it is what is keeping me sane and not so angry.

I keep all my pain to myself. The last 18 months have been such a ride for me. From a cancer diagnosis, to surgery to remove my insides because of it, only to find that there was nothing there all along. How I felt during this whole time, I have mainly kept to myself. Crying as I write this, as the emotions wash over me. I was scared but didn’t let it show, I knew I would be okay but you still have that little fear niggling away. The physical issues coming from all of it are dragging on. I should be back to being me. I should be running on the treadmill again, instead I have put on 14 kilos from hobbling around, eating sugar to comfort me and generally feeling sorry for myself.

So sitting in the sun today, was something that I would normally not do. I did have my phone with me, but put it down before I drifted off. I had no intentions of just sitting, but sit and drift I did. I think my legs got burned through my pants, but it was worth it. Just that 30 minutes or so of just doing nothing has made me re evaluate a few things. I am fed up with being unable to do what I used to do. I am angry that I let myself down. I am frustrated that everything I have done has not helped.

I need to change my attitude about my body and how I treat it. I need to change my busyness, I need to stop and just be at least once a day. I may need to put post it notes everywhere. Stop, take 5 minutes. Have you rested today? Time for a break. Changing your habits is something that takes time and energy and is, if successful, always for the best.

Time to let go and just be. Time to give myself permission to heal.No more don’t worry about me I’m fine. I’m not fine, I need to heal and now I want to heal and heal so I shall.

Margaret ❤

 

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Navigating Change

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It’s been a very long and draining week. Feeling like I need a holiday to just get away from all the stress and worry. This week has been full of ups and downs and I think I am ready for some gentle energy to wash over me and everyone around me.

I woke up this morning feeling okay, thought it was Saturday and not sure why. It is a public holiday here for the Melbourne Cup so that must have had some influence on where my thoughts were when I awoke. The energy around me lately has been really good, very upbeat and positive but this morning when I woke I felt flat and could feel myself slipping even lower. Luckily I can see this happening now, and can attempt to pull myself back up again. It has taken me all day though. I have been a little over emotional and cried at a few things I read on Facebook. I feel overly tired even though I have not done a lot in the past few weeks.

I have however, walked a lot. My legs are getting stronger and my wrists feel a lot better today than they have for quite some time. I can now pick things up without dropping them, my fingers also have more strength. This healing of my body has taken so long and there is still more to go, but I think I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. The walking has done me so much good, it has been hard and I am sore when I finish but it has loosened the muscles a little and I feel stronger.

On top of all of this, my parents sold their home and now we need to pack it all up. My parents have stuff, lots of stuff. Not much of it useful but just collecting dust stuff. All of which needs to be packed up and stored at my house and my sisters house until they find somewhere new. My ex husband ended up in hospital having blood transfusions, so my boys have all been stressed and worried. All of it contributing to one very long exhausting week.

Apart from the lowered energy of the day, things seem to be easing off a bit. Hopefully at the weeks end things will be back to a relatively normal state. In the mean time I am working on trying to keep myself one step ahead of the emotions that are threatening to take over. If the last year and a half has taught me anything, it is, that I am much stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. The ability to see how I react and respond to what is around me has allowed me to make changes that were well overdue.

When you finally begin to see who and how you really are it can be very eye opening. I now see things I do that make me cringe and wonder why I had not noticed it before. It gives me the opportunity to learn more about myself and to understand why I do what I do. This is something that I feel everyone should have the opportunity to do, but most never get the chance. Some are just so deeply ingrained in the version of reality that they have chosen, that they rarely see how they are.

If everyone could, just for one moment, actually see how they are, I am sure they would take a step back like I have, and make the changes to bring their lives into a more balanced friendly space. The world would look so different if everyone of us lived at the right level of energy. Imagine how beautiful it could be.

For the rest of this week I am going to concentrate on raising my energy to a level where I feel wonderful. It is going to take some effort but I am determined to get there. No more allowing the world around me to bring me down. I will continue my walking, because it gives me strength and helps me to heal and the sooner I heal, the sooner I will be able to work again. As to what work I will be doing, I am not sure yet. Unfortunately there are not a lot of jobs around for older women. Experience seems not to count in the field I have worked in for so long, youth and cheaper pay rates are more important. I will not allow it to get me down.

I have faith that something will arrive when I am strong enough to do it. I am open to any type of job at the moment as long as it challenges my mind and does not bore me into a stupor. I like the idea of learning something new and adding to my skill set. I do not, however, want to be put into a position of having to do something that makes me depressed and lowers my energy. I have spent far too many years doing what I needed to do and now I would like to do something that makes me jump out of bed in the morning and to look forward to the work day.

I know it is out there and I am totally manifesting it into my space.

Margaret ❤

 

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