When the time arrives to make a move, you know it. Boredom begins to set in, there is so much you can do in your day but it just doesn’t get done. You don’t feel like it, you don’t want to, you don’t see the point. This is the time to force yourself to do something, anything. The chances of becoming stuck in the biggest rut of your life strengthens and the longer it lasts the harder it is to shift that energy.
I feel that I am totally at rock bottom now, but it doesn’t feel like I thought it would. I have no money and no job, I am relying on my son the keep a roof over our head and pay the bills. Not a position I have ever been in before and not one that I want to stay in for much longer.
Getting past the thoughts of, no one wants me, I am too old to work, what the hell am I going to do?, takes a bit of effort. Once past those thoughts, there doesn’t seem to be anything else. I really, for the first time in my life, don’t know what to do! I have applied for jobs but get no response, or a generic thanks for your application when we have an opening we will keep you in mind.
It really is the wrong time of the year to be looking for work, but having no choice in the matter makes it even more difficult. I could have stayed at my old job, but they would have made me feel like I had to go. I can’t stay on holidays for ever, I didn’t have enough holiday pay owing. I couldn’t go back until I was 100% fit and that may never happen.
So now I need to look at different options. I tried the selling on Facebook, but that didn’t work. I tried gift vouchers for my readings. Again no one was interested. When I do a crystal reading I get mostly amazing feedback, but still no one wants to buy. So what now? It seems the world of card reading and crystal reading is not for me. If it was, what I offered would sell. Time to put away the tarot and the oracles, time to sell the crystals, and then look for something new to do that will also pay the bills.
What do I have to offer that will help the people who want it and also allow me to live? There must be something that I am good for? There must be something within me that needs to be let out into the world, that needs to be heard or seen. Otherwise what is my purpose. I cannot spend the rest of my life just waiting for something to happen. I need to try something else.
I love to read and I love to write, maybe I could use that as a basis for my own self employment? Maybe what I write appeals to someone, maybe what I write helps someone. A lot of maybe’s but at this point I have tried conventional ways to earn an income and it hasn’t worked, the alternative also hasn’t worked. Nothing I have tried has worked. Is it the options I have chosen or is it me?
It’s hard to try and make an impact on the world around you when the world around you thinks you are too old. It is hard to feel positive and uplifted when everything around you falls apart. I feel defeated, I feel rejected and I feel abandoned, all negative energy that I really could do without at the moment.
So now, before I try something else, I am going to have to work on my energy and my vibration. Try to get it above the misery that I feel and aim for at least the basic level of life. If I don’t then whatever I try is doomed to fail. I cannot hope to rise above my current circumstances with the mindset I am in. My first step is the raise the energy, then to reach deep inside and feel what I am meant to be and do. If I don’t feel it then it is not for me.
I have a few ideas, but have been procrastinating so badly. The negativity has tinged it with feelings of why bother it won’t succeed, you’re wasting your time. But, I feel this idea and it feels right but it is not the right time for it to emerge. If I try now I will sabotage it like everything else.
I spent this morning looking through my emails and facebook and thinking about the people I read about. Why do they have and I don’t, and what can I do about it? I did realise that I am like them, only I do not allow myself to succeed. The victim mentality, although painful, is very much stuck to me and every time I think I am free of it, it returns with a vengeance. This time it has lead to complete emptiness, a lack of worthiness and almost to the point of giving up completely.
This has to stop, the only person I am hurting is myself, but now I am dragging my son into it. He has to work harder to provide for us and that is not his job. It is my job to provide for my family, and no matter how hard it has been over the years I have always done so, until now. Maybe this time I can aim higher than just surviving, maybe this time I will allow myself to succeed. Maybe this time I will get past the “why can’t I”.
It is time for this to stop, and time for me to begin to live my life as it was meant to be lived. Just getting by is no longer suitable, winning at life in some way is. To allow yourself to be, is the most important decision you can make and although it has taken me far too many years, now is the time for me to just be me.
For now, it is a matter of, watch this space.