So it seems the negativity of my writing of late has had an impact on me. When I read back what I write, I cry. Not for what I have written and what I have been through, I cry because I have released it. Without the writing that I do, all of this bad energy would still be stuck inside me and growing. It always feels much better to let it all out.
In the past I have always kept everything to myself. It didn’t matter what it was, I never let others know how I was feeling. This blog was my opportunity to express my fears, my pain and my negativity. It allowed me to work through it all as I wrote. I never expected anyone to read it, and if I did, then it would not have been as honest as it is.
Sharing what you feel and how you respond and react to what happens around you, is a very personal and humbling experience. It takes me down to my lowest and allows me to make space for the highest to enter. What I write helps me, and if it helps one other person on the planet then it is all worth it.
Last night after writing and posting I felt horrible. I felt the negativity of my energy and of my thoughts. I felt bad that I had unleashed it on the world. I felt bad that others had read it. It all contributed to even more negative energy and when I went to bed last night, it manifested as pain. An ache in every part of my body, and nothing I did helped until I took pain killers. Although I dislike taking anything, I felt I had no choice.
The pain killers allowed my body to relax and allowed me to sleep deeply and when I woke I felt much better. As I fell asleep I also visualized the bad energy and the pain lifting from my body. So today I am one step up from where I was yesterday.
Never, ever underestimate one step up. The miracle that if affords does more than anything else ever could. Although it may not look like it to those around me, I have changed overnight. That one little step up has lightened the load considerably. I am no longer rock bottom. I am no where near the top but I am one step closer to it.
Today I have decided that feeling sorry for myself will no longer do. Today I have decided that there is a future for me. Today I have decided to live. Today I will make new plans, chase new goals and ensure I do something, anything, everyday to make those plans my reality.
I know deep inside me there is something I can offer the world. My fear and negativity has blocked it for so long that finding it again may take some time. But, find it I will and this time do something with it. I have allowed my emotions to control my existence for so long that I always second guess everything. I make a choice that I know is right for me and then spend so much time thinking, is this right? Did I do the wrong thing? What if I made a mistake?
I need to learn to trust my intuition, to go with my first instincts. The second guessing is where it all falls apart. So listen, and act and go with your first thoughts. See how far you can take it and then and only then can you be sure. Deciding then second guessing without even trying is just a waste of time and leads to failure. If you don’t try you will never know and then will spend your life regretting it.
Yesterday I wrote that I had an idea, one that felt right for me. I also felt that it wasn’t time. Second guessing again. Today I am going to revisit that idea and take it that one step up and see where it leads me. I will take all my notes and put them into somewhat of an order. A base from which to expand and develop my idea into something concrete. I will get excited and I will use that excitement to push me to keep going.
And tomorrow, I will take another step up.