Another Christmas has come and gone and while for me it would have to have been the worst one ever, I hope that everyone else has had a beautiful time with family and friends.
I spent the morning alone thinking about what has happened in my life over the last two years. While a lot has been just horrible, a lot has been a blessing. I thought about the lessons I had learned and the light within the dark times and what I am grateful for.
I learned that the work colleagues I spent the most time with over the last ten years were not as they appeared. It may have taken me a very long time, but I finally see the truth of who they were. What I did, I did because I cared, about my job, about the business. What was never returned was loyalty and support. The bullying, the abuse and just the lack of respect hit me hard and when I was at my lowest they hit me even harder. But I learned that I trust too much.
Now, anyone I come into contact with will have to earn my trust, it will not be given so easily. I will never again allow someone to make me feel less than, to make me feel as though I am not good enough, not working hard enough. There will be a distinct separation between my work life and my private life. There will be no socializing with employers and employees. There will be no speaking of personal matters. I will be professional and keep to myself.
At first I blamed myself, that I allowed it to happen. I did allow it, but it was not my fault. I did not ask to be used abused and bullied. The lesson I have learned is to be able to see what happened and ensure that it never again happens. There will be a wall placed and only those who earn my trust will be allowed behind that wall. It will not under any circumstances include work colleagues. That special place in my heart is reserved for family and friends that stand by me, no matter what.
I finally let go of my old job. I ran the Facebook page, I deleted myself as admin and unliked the page. I removed all those in my phone contacts connected with it. I threw out my uniform and unfriended the boss. It felt like a release, the last step in letting go of ten years of my life that had highs and many lows. Now it is all released and this writing finishes it.
Ultimately I do understand that the wall I place will come down. As I grow stronger and learn to protect myself and put in place guidelines for interaction with other people, then the walls will come down. I know eventually I will have the strength to again trust, but it will take time.
I also learned that I am not as strong as I thought. But, in understanding that my strength returned and gave me the reason to keep going. I am going to the Doctors again this week to find out once and for all what is causing the pain I still feel constantly, day by day. In order to move forward fully I have to release whatever is keeping that pain close. I know I will uncover it and when I do, nothing will stop me from living the life I have longed for.
I learned that I now have the freedom to do what I have always wanted to do. I have blocked it for so long that it took a major reorganization of my life for it to come about. Although it has not been pleasant, it was needed. It has been the only way for me to actually take notice of what life had intended for me. When you ignore the signs, life has a way of kicking your butt onto the right path.
This last week of 2016 will be spent releasing as much baggage, physical, mental and emotional as I can. So then as 2017 begins I will be ready to take on the challenges of beginning that new life. I am looking forward to starting afresh. One part of my life has now ended and the new awaits. As much as I have been fearful over the last few months, there is also an excitement. Wondering what to expect, what is coming and where I will be at the end of 2017.
I have plans for the new year. From expanding my blog and writing more, to creating a course and book on potential. Which I will be living as I write. To creating an email list, a new Facebook group and page, as well as expanding my Crystal Path To Spirit page. I have had this page for over three years now and have not as yet done much with it. I intend to change that in 2017.
I am aiming to direct my life towards where I want to be, not where others choose to push me. I intend to manage my life my way, to take control and push myself to achieve all that I have dreamed of. My health, my finances and my work will all come under scrutiny in the new year. All is due for change and all must change in order to not repeat the last 9 year cycle. This new cycle is one that I have longed for, one that has been inching closer and closer with every dream shattered, every ache and pain and every thought of failure.
As I release 2016 and let the past retreat, I expect and welcome new opportunity, new goals, new challenges and new life. I have lived the same way for so long, and now that is obsolete. The new beckons and with it inspiration and hope.
Onward to a new era, I stand at the precipice of a brand new life, and welcome it with open arms.