Monthly Archives: February 2017

Starting Point

Well I now have a diagnosis and a new beginning point from which to launch into a new life. I have Rheumatoid arthritis. There is no cure only containment. It means a completely different lifestyle to the one I have lived for the last 56 years. It means tablets, drugs, constant blood tests, xrays, ultrasounds, bone scans. Time spent at the doctors and the specialist. Everything I dislike about health.

I actually felt a little special. When I was being examined by the Rheumatologist she called in a new registrar just to look at my hands. Apparently my inflammation was something of a wonder to both of them. Where there should be knuckles there is a lot of fluid and tiny little bumps that indicate where my knuckles actually are. My feet and ankles are swollen, my knees are worse. The pain in my body after sleeping is so bad that it takes me a few hours to be able to move around in a normal way. Too much rest it seems stiffens up my body to the point that it gets stuck, so bedtime has become somewhat of a nightmare.

I get very tired very easily but the thought of what I wake up to each morning makes me delay sleep for as long as I am able. The specialist assures me that we can control this and eventually if things work out I can go into remission. So many others do, it is just a matter of finding the right treatment. The word she used to describe my arthritis was seropositive. I had to look it up when I got home. It means more severe with more joint damage, disability and inflammation outside of the joints.

It seems when I do something I always take it to the next level. I was expecting the diagnosis, although not quite as severe as that, and while I was prepared I was not prepared for the emotions that have overtaken me since yesterday afternoon.

I cried in the room with the specialist, and I cried when I went to Centrelink today to organize a different payment to the job seeking one I am now on. My age before was a barrier to finding work, as I have been looking since September but have not got even close to an interview. 40 years experience it seems does not count when you are female and over 50. Now until I am well into treatment and the severity of it all settles down, I cannot work. I always thought that there was something I could do but it seems everything at this stage will just cause damage. Having to put my illness on a job application will also get it thrown out before it is even looked at.

So government assistance is what I need at the moment. The job seeking payment I am on does not cover the cost of my monthly rent so I have been selling all my personal possessions to pay bills and utilities. Now the new payment will be more money but I was told today that it takes from 3 to 6 months to be approved. I will run out of things to sell before I even get the new payment. Which by my calculations still will not be enough to pay for everything.

So my breakdowns of the last two days have come from the fact that I have gone from relatively healthy with a job, independent and able to live on a tight budget but still able to manage, to being dependent on a government payment that does not cover basic living expenses and with no way of finding a job to supplement or replace that payment. I am relying on the support of everyone around me, a hard lesson for me to learn.

What I need to do for the moment is to find some focus and make the decisions that need to be made. I will eventually have to move out of my home. I cannot afford it at the moment and most definitely will not be able to afford it for the next 3 to 6 months. There will also be medication, constant trips to the hospital and doctors for which I will need petrol. There is no money for food, or any basic living expenses. So getting my head around all this, while trying to stay at least a little positive and hopeful is going to be difficult but not impossible.

The decisions I make over the next few months will be so very important for the direction that my life will now take. Once the treatment starts to take affect and the pain settles down a bit, I will be able to make better and more long lasting plans.

For now with the support of friends and family around me as well as the doctors and the hospital, I will take each day as it comes. There is a reason for everything and it is now my job to work out what I am to learn from this and how I can help others through my experiences. Not the path I expected my life to take and certainly not the way I had intended to live but I have what I am given and will do with it what I can.

This will teach me to take better care of myself, it will teach me to go within for personal healing and it will take me on a journey to find my inner strength and resilience. At times I feel like just sitting in a corner and fading away, but I will not allow myself to give in that easily. This is a mountain just waiting for me to climb it, and climb it I will.

I am not ready to give up on life yet, and although I may slip back down into depression as I go along this path, I will fight to reach the top of this mountain. I will succeed in living the life that I know I deserve and that I know I can attain.

Margaret ❤

 

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Eclipsing The Darkness

So it seems the latest eclipse has shifted the energy somewhat. I have felt over the last few days a movement of sorts. A lightening up of my mood and what feels like a shift in the road I have been traveling on for the last few years.

I had read earlier last week that the eclipse was the final hurdle to leaving 2016 behind, and for me it seems to be true. I have felt the strangeness, almost, of this new energy and it has an underlying sense of happiness and joy within it. I feel much more inclined to smile than scowl and things have not upset me as much as they have over the last two years.

It is like a gate or a door has opened and the future is shining brightly beyond. All it takes is a simple step to move forward into this newness and accept the new path that is opening before me. This new vibration of lightness is so very strange to me. After living through the darkness of the preceding couple of years, it makes me feel a bit wary. Is it going to last? Is it real what I am feeling? Will I be disappointed again?

It is almost like I am needing proof before I venture beyond the door. The fear of being swept back into the darkness is outweighing the joy that this energy is emitting. While I want to trust that this truly is a new beginning, past experience has me hesitating on the brink.

I am being offered what I have waited for. The opportunities are now before me and yet there is a sense of trepidation. If I run through the open door and fall flat on my face, will I retreat so far back into the darkness that I may never again find the light? What I must and will do, is take that first step and keep going. I cannot and will not allow this opportunity to pass me by. This is the chance for a whole new beginning, a chance to start again on a new path, with new people in a new direction.

Do you feel it? Do you understand what we are being offered here? We must at this time embrace the light that has speared through the darkness. To show us the way out of the depths of unhappiness and misery that we have, honestly, drawn to ourselves out of fear. We know we manifest our reality, we know that what we ask for, good or bad, arrives. Yet we still hesitate.

As the final door closes on the last cycle of nine years, it is time for us to emerge, ready, willing and able to do what we need to do in order to progress. Starting with embracing the feeling of happiness that now permeates the air around us. I feel it, more and more every day. It is lighter, it is happier and it is so very welcomed.

With the lighter energy we tend to focus more upon the good things in our lives, rather than the bad. In turn we draw to ourselves the better things in life. More of what we want instead of what we don’t want. I for one, have focused far too often on what was wrong in my life, rather than feeling gratitude for what I did have in my life. This new vibration has shown me that there is a better way and that I am quite capable of finding it.

For now I will bask in the feelings of happiness and joy, that I had almost forgotten over the last cycle. Memories of good times will now outweigh the memories of the bad times. This is a moment of understanding that has been trying to pierce my mind for so long now, and finally I have recognised it. I sit here, laughing to myself at how good I actually feel, and wonder how I could have allowed the darkness and density of fear take over my life for so long.

I now remember that I am strong, I remember that I am capable. I remember that life is meant to be fun, and I remember that life is what I make it. The circumstances around me are my doing and it is up to me to ensure that my reactions and responses to those circumstances are positive and uplifting.

Do you remember the light? Do you remember how good we had it? Do you remember why we let it all slip away?

Will you join me in rediscovering the joy of life?

Margaret ❤

 

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Resting On A Plateau

When you get so far on your spiritual journey and you feel that you have come to a standstill, what do you do? What do you think? At times I have felt like melting back to most of the population of this planet. Those who live one day at a time, one pay check at a time. Those whose most important decision of the day is what to have for dinner. Those who live with the status quo regardless of whether or not they agree with it. Those who have decided that saving the world is for someone else.

Is there a sense of freedom by not having the worlds very existence on your shoulders? Or are they just still asleep with no need nor want to wake up to what is actually happening around them. Is there less pressure on those who get up in the morning, go to work, come home, have dinner, go to bed and do it all again? Every single day.

Do they not feel the energy in the air around them? Do they not feel the magic that surrounds their very existence? Do they not feel the power that lies dormant within them, itching to be released and let loose upon a world so overdue for their input?

I sometimes wonder if they feel anything at all. I can watch a movie and it activates the empath within me. I cry at parts that have no need for tears, yet they spill forth simply and easily. I can look at a flowers petals unfurling as it blooms for the first time, and see the wonder and the beauty in it. I can sense the almighty power and presence that surrounds me constantly and look on in awe as it weaves its way through the lives of everyone around me.

No, I have no wish to return to the days before it all made sense. I have no desire to live like a rat in a cage doing the same things over and over and over. I have no desire to go back to the not knowing what I am made of, where I have come from and where I am heading.

These small plateaus are needed, they are resting places for our souls. In this time and space where things happen so much more quickly than before. Where our desires are manifested with speed because we truly believe in them. We need these small breaks as a time to see what we have done, to understand what we must do next. To know that we are truly on the right path. They make us think, they make us question. They make us understand the depths we are to strive for and the heights we can achieve.

And so, as I rest upon my plateau and dream of all still to be achieved. I watch the world around me try to break free from the hold of the mundane and the ordinary. I wait to see those souls who finally see the truth of their being come alive, to wake up and be aware of what surrounds them. Then onwards I will go again. Moving towards the next level of my incarnation. The next lesson to learn and achieve and the next plateau of understanding and rest.

Never doubt your journey nor your place. For within these rest periods lie the seeds of the greatness you are yet to become. Be thankful for the chance to stop and see what, where and how you have become you, and to see your next goals and dreams appear before you. Go with the magic that runs through your veins. The power and the passion of the source of all around you. Breathe it in and allow it to merge with your soul as you ride this journey home.

Margaret ❤

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Choosing The Good Thoughts

Well hasn’t this year moved fast? February already and still most of us are trying to process the year just gone. Before we know it we will be celebrating another new year.

When another month begins I always have the feeling that I have wasted the month just gone. I have so many things that I want to do, need to do and plan to do and then time just gets away and the month is over.

I am a list maker, but over the last year or so my list writing has stopped. While I no longer have a pile of exercise books full of my hopes, dreams, wants and needs, I sort of miss the cathartic experience of just writing things down.

Earlier this year I started a the 30 Days to Love Your Life course by Mike Dooley. The creator of Notes from the Universe and the Tut Adventurers Club. While I was excited about it all it went in the end, the same way a lot of things have gone over the last two years. Another pretty notebook with the first 4 days done and then the doubts of what I had written and chosen crept in and I procrastinated on moving to the next lesson.

I still have the links and I really am determined to go through the whole 30 days at some point, but things happening around my family and my health have taken priority for the moment. Still I have used these excuses for so long that anything that I attempt in order to improve my life always falls back on them. I have so many links to websites and You Tube channels, Facebook pages, blogs and courses, that I will probably never have enough of this lifetime to get through them all.

The problem with having so many is that I don’t know which one to start first, and so I attempt to do many at once. All of which leads to a less than determined effort on my part to learn anything from them. There are so many different avenues of self improvement that it is hard to settle on the ones that really stand out for me. I start one and get bored very easily, especially if it is something that I have attempted before or know something about already.

So I have felt for a few months now, more than overwhelmed with my surroundings and my possessions, both physical and virtual. If I could I would just take my most treasured possessions and just walk away from the rest. My home has become cluttered with things I thought I needed or things that might be needed in the future. I look around and feel trapped by what before has brought me joy.

I always said that one day I will win a lottery and buy my own home, and I will get everything new for this home. Only taking that which is special or strongly sentimental with me. I pictured for years the rental homes I have lived in, being upended and everything falling out. Leaving a clean slate in which to start my life over with.

Well the lottery win has not happened, yet! But the urge to upend the house and start again has become much more strong than ever before. Those who know me or read my blog regularly know of my situation and that I am currently selling some of my possessions to cover bills while I sort out my health issues.

Seems to me that I have been again, given what I asked for. I wanted a clean slate and now I have to sell things to survive, which will leave me with not very many possessions at all. Ask and you are given, again I was not specific, another lesson in this.

I have to say though that the thought of everything I own going to a new home and leaving me with the space and sanity to create something new, is exciting. The chance to start my life over, although enforced, is something that I have wanted for such a long time. My life had become monotonous and the rut that I was in was getting deeper and deeper. So the illness, the joblessness and the forced decluttering of my home and mind was something that I had longed for and asked for many times.

Now the challenge lies in taking advantage of this opportunity. I have for months, been in a poor me mentality and finally now I understand the whys of the situation and the possibilities for the future. I have been told there is no cure for Rheumatoid arthritis, but that to me is a challenge and when I am challenged I will try everything I know to succeed.

For now, I will declutter my computer and choose only those files and folders that excite me, sell my possessions that no longer have a place with me and as I clear my life and mind, the new ideas and goals will come into view. As Mike Dooley says, “Thoughts do become things, so choose the good ones” The good ones are what I am now tuning into and what I will achieve.

For those interested in Mike’s Notes From the Universe and other courses and books.

http://www.tut.com/

https://www.facebook.com/mikedooley

Remember to always check your inner thoughts and if it is negative, change it because you always get what you ask for. Good or bad.

Margaret ❤

 

 

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