Monthly Archives: April 2017

Falling

I sat down to write last night and just stared at the screen. Nothing wanted to be heard, nothing felt right. This morning the same, nothing positive and energizing. Nothing uplifting and joyful. Only anger and resignation that I am wasting my time.

This morning I am angry at the world, I am angry that nothing works. Today I hate the law of attraction. It doesn’t work. I have spent so much of my life trying to be positive, to expect the best, to live in the now and to be happy. Where has it got me?

On the verge of losing my home, no job, no money, my health sucks big time and there is not a damn thing I can do about any of it.

I give up, you win universe. If your plan for me was to break through the bottom of the pit and enter new territory then congratulations you have succeeded. I totally and utterly give up. I have never in my entire life been as low as I am at this moment and I hate it. Every other time I have been this low I have managed to bring myself up and out of it, not this time.

This time I have been completely abandoned. I cannot fight anymore. I sit here in what will soon no longer be my lounge room, wrapped in blankets and gloves because I cannot afford the heat. I have no idea what to do next. I have no hope of rescue and no one to rely on.

There is only me and the huge ball of negativity that has settled over my entire life. I could sell my car to pay the rent, but that won’t last long and I will need my car to sleep in. I have tried selling the things I own and although I have sold some there is still so much that no one wants and it will all end up at the tip.

Everything I own carries the energy of my life and although I have made it to 56 years it has not been easy nor has it been fun. I no longer want nor need the possessions I have spent my life accumulating. I have not and will not talk about all of this in person, my words here are for me to release at least some of the pain that this life has brought to me.

It seems that no matter what I do it is destined to fail. Everything I have tried over the years has failed to some degree. The only positives in my life are my boys, without them I would not have survived this long.

Over the last few months I have been teased with light at the end of the tunnel, but the more I try to get there the more it moves away from me. So universe, do what you will, I no longer care and I will no longer fight. I will stay here at the bottom of my pit until I have the energy to once again fight.

When and if that time comes, I will be a completely different person. You cannot struggle for so long and lose constantly without it changing you. I no longer trust anyone, everyone has an ulterior motive. No one has my best interests at heart. So trust is gone, maybe forever.

There is only me and I can only do what I can with the energy I have now. Energy that needs to be washed clean to begin to rise from the ashes of the past and the now. Tomorrow I may feel better, I may feel worse. I will take what comes for now and allow it all to do what it will and move on again. I have tried for too long to fight it now I shall allow it to run its course and see where I end up.

I wish you all peace and harmony and the strength to live the lives you choose.

Margaret ❤

 

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Trusting The Bigger Picture

I have always been a bit of a loner. Always took the back seat whenever I could. Stayed in the background at parties. Didn’t want to be at the parties. Never had a lot of friends at school or elsewhere. I have one awesome friend who does not live near me but no matter how long it is between speaking, it is as if it was yesterday.

So for me allowing what I am feeling and what is happening in my life to become public knowledge is very hard. I use this blog as a sounding board, a place to let all my inner thoughts come out. I never expected anyone to read it. I never expected anyone to care.

When it comes to my problems, I keep them to myself. My life has been a mixture of the good, the not so good, the bad, the absolute pits and now. Over the years I have tried everything. Law of attraction, thinking positive, affirmations, and although they work for a little while, sooner or later my world comes crashing down again.

I have lived this cycle for so many years it is hard to remember what life was like before it all fell apart. I must have had dreams and goals, plans for my perfect future, but somehow along the way I have given them up. I have always picked myself up and tried again, always.

This time is different. This time I need to end this cycle because this time I haven’t got the energy to get back up. So much has happened in the last two years. Everything that I worked hard for is gone, every dream has evaporated. What is left is complete despair.

Still the inner urge to try one more time is there. I know I need to try again, I just need to know that it is not another waste of time. That when I get myself back up that I will stay there, not come crashing down again.

So how do I trust that things will work out, when they never have before? How do I trust the people around me to do the right thing, when they never have before? How do I pick myself up and start again with the knowledge that this cycle may begin all over again? How do I break this cycle when I am in the midst of the deepest depression I have allowed?

There are those around me with my highest good in their thoughts. Those that have words and ideas, but from behind my wall that is all they are, words. They make no sense to me at the best of times and at the worst make me feel inadequate and useless and a failure.

I understand they are trying to help, but from my viewpoint it feels like a waste of time. In my eyes it does not matter what I do or do not do, this cycle is never ending and I cannot escape. This is my battle and although the help is there if I need it, and I do, I still feel it is my responsibility to handle it.

I got myself into this continuing cycle of misery, ups and downs and I am the only one who can pull myself out of it. Sure there are times when I am up and things appear to be going well, but always in the back of my mind there is the thought that something is coming to destroy it. How can you succeed if you are always expecting failure?

I am currently sitting here with my future in someone else’s hands. I have no control over what will happen to my home, my life, my family. All I can control is my reaction to it all, and at the moment I am weak and that reaction is not helpful nor promising. On top of the depression and the fear there are tablets. More tablets than I have ever taken in my life. Tablets that are supposed to be helping with my rheumatoid arthritis but are also damaging other parts of my body.

These tablets are also affecting my mind, my memory and this upsets, frustrates and scares me. If I come up with a solution that I would like to try, I am told by others that no you can’t do that it won’t work. It’s not going to work unless I try it and at the moment trying is all I have.

I am standing on the edge of a cliff not knowing if what I do will tip me over or what others tell me to do will tip me over. I am stuck, trapped in my own little pit of sadness and helplessness. I need to find a way out and it has to be of my choosing. This I know for certain now. I will listen to what others say, I will be guided by their thoughts and their ideas, but ultimately it is my choice and my decision.

If I am to escape from this cycle it has to be by my own will. I have to stand up once more and try again and again and again. I must never give up, that would just lead to permanent destruction and that is not something I will allow. My stubborness will not allow me to fail no matter how long it takes and how many steps backward I take.

So once again I am standing up and taking a step. Who knows how long this will last, but while it is there I will do it. Each time I must get stronger, right? The aim for now is to try and get one part of my life working again. Any part will do. Then I can take the next step and focus on another part, then another.

Allow me to choose and most of all do not push, for I will fall back to where I was and stay there just to despite myself. Wish me luck.

Margaret ❤

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Floating In Silence

This has been a week of limitations and motivation. I have had the urge to do so much over the last two weeks yet there has been no energy. I have finished the course of steroid tablets I have been on for the last six weeks and am now only taking one methotrexate tablet a week until I see the rheumatologist next week.

The steroids had given me a false sense of healing and when they stopped the pain was once again allowed to be picked up by my brain. So I have spent the week limping, staggering and hurting intensely. It seems the steroids do nothing but block the pain from my brain and the methotrexate as far as I can tell has done nothing.

So this week I tried something new. For christmas from my son and daughter in law I received a 3 pass float tank voucher. This week I finally felt up to trying it out. What I expected and what I experienced were two completely different things.

I had been so looking forward to the sensation of no gravity, or just floating and not having to concentrate on holding my body in a certain position. I cannot float in normal water, for some reason my feet and legs just sink so I didn’t hold out too much hope of floating in the tank.

I found that it was impossible to sink. As I got into the tank I tried desperately to get myself into position without causing pain and all my legs and feet wanted to do was float. It was not a graceful process getting into the tank and getting into position. It would have made a very funny video.

There was music for the first ten minutes then that faded, I had turned the lights out and just relaxed. I tried breathing through my nose but with ear plugs in you hear everything. My nose has been a little blocked lately so all I could hear was whistling. So I focused on breathing through my mouth.

The water is body temperature and is very pleasant, you float very easily and as I lay there I thought about what the outcome of the session might be and what i hoped to achieve while in there. The feeling of weightlessness was one I was so looking forward to but did not get. I know I am overweight, comfort eating and medication and not being able to exercise has made sure of that, but I still thought that I would feel less than I did.

I felt like I was shrugging my shoulders, they were very sore when I went into the tank and even worse when I got out. I even had pain in my butt, it felt as though it was sinking but wasn’t. I am not sure if it was coming from the pain in my hips but it felt very heavy. That combined with my very sore shoulders led me to not being able to relax as I had hoped.

I had read that the time goes very quickly but the longer I floated the more I wanted the music to come back on so it was finished. This is entirely because of the pain I was in, including my elbows which would not straighten out when I had finished. The music finally came back on and I was quite glad to get out, which was even less graceful than getting in.

A quick shower to wash out all the epsom salts and I was done. When I got to the car I felt more relaxed. I know if I had not been in so much pain beforehand then I would have experienced it differently. My body felt less heavy and I felt very tired. The next morning I was back in hell. The pain had come back fully and it was methotrexate day. Which means nothing else for the day. No pain killers.

I am assuming that some of the feeling I had was a detoxification from the epsom salts and that is a good thing. But, I have never been so glad to have my paracetamol on thursday morning, as I was today. It does not stop the pain but it takes a little of the edge off it and allows me to function at least a little.

I will book myself in for another float in the next week or so, after I see the specialist and hopefully get some medication that works. With a little less pain I think I could probably feel a bit more relaxed in the tank. I may even leave the lights on for a bit next time, and see if the cycling through the chakra colors makes a difference.

I am thinking that by the third float I will be much more relaxed and knowing what to expect then I may have a much more meditative experience. I envisioned epiphanies and that doesn’t happen when you are restless. I doubt the stress I am under at the moment is helping but I wanted to come out of the tank in a new frame of mind, ready to take on the challenges that await and I didn’t.

Next time I will know what to expect and make sure I have some sort of pain killers before hand so that I am not concentrating on the pain while I am in there. It was an experience though, that I have never had before and I had put it off for quite a while. I am looking forward to going again and comparing the experience.

Has anyone tried this before? What were your experiences? Would you do it again? Did you expect too much like I did? I would really like to know if my experience was normal. I do tend to expect too much of myself and of the people around me. So when I do something that has been hyped up as amazing, I expect it to be amazing. I don’t want to lower my expectations, I would much prefer them to be exceeded.

Margaret ❤

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Battling The Law Of Attraction

Sometimes you get to a point in your life where you think “why me”. What have I done so wrong that I have allowed myself to get in such a mess?

The law of attraction is very powerful and although we sometimes think it is not working, it is. It always is. What you focus on becomes your reality and I for one have learned this lesson so many times in my life that I should be more careful with my words. As each part of my life falls apart in new and surprising ways I can now pin point the exact moment I made that choice.

Moments of passionate fear and anger help to construct a future moment of helplessness and in the one instant where we can change it, we are so deep into the poor me that we cannot see what we are doing. I, like many, have spoken words in anger, in fear and in desperation that all come back and bite me when I least expect it. Then wonder why this is all happening.

The trick to allowing the law of attraction to bring the good into your life is to closely monitor every thought and every word. For most of us that is impossible. We cannot and should not have to think about each word we say in case it causes more problems. That only helps bring more problems, the fear and worry about what we are saying allows disaster to sneak up behind us and knock our feet out from under us when we least expect it.

So how do you get the law of attraction on your side? How do we continue to live asking for the good but all the while beneath the surface our thoughts are waiting for the ball to drop and it all go wrong. I know for me I can recite affirmations until the cows come home, but my energy is tense waiting for something to go wrong.

A few weeks ago I got an unexpected cheque in the mail. Apparently I had paid too much interest on a credit card I had a few years ago. While I was so happy and excited to receive the cheque deep down I was waiting for something to take it away from me, and so it did.

The battery died in my car and I had to pay for two doctors to fill in insurance forms for me, both of which took more than the cheque that I received. It was given and then taken away just as it always has, because I expected it to. Living in fear that the good will be taken away before you even get it only pushes the good even further away.

At this moment in my life I have some major life changes to think about and decide upon. It is not an easy task and if I could I would just jump on a plane and leave. Much easier than trying to make decisions that, if I am honest, are not going to make everyone around me happy. Someone will be upset with it, someone won’t like it and try as I might I cannot please everyone.

This time I really have to put myself first. I am the deepest into problems than I ever have been in my entire life and because of the fear of making choices, I cannot clearly see a way out that will be for the good of me and all around me. Trying to keep myself positive over the last couple of years has been an extraordinarily hard feat and I have failed more times than I care to admit.

I tend to dwell on the negative parts of the decisions rather than the positives and this only pushes more away. If one thing had fallen apart at a time then maybe I would have found a way out of the mess I am in. I always have come through before, there has always been an answer. But, this time everything has fallen apart. A huge lesson that I am struggling to understand, let alone pass.

There are choices, and all of them are temporary. None of them solve the initial problems only delay them. Making some choices only cause more problems down the road that I may or may not be strong enough to handle. Do I take the chance on an immediate temporary fix? Do I wait for more options? My health, my security and my entire life rest upon the choices that are required. I do not know if I am strong enough to make those choices yet.

Those around me say things will be better, that there is a beautiful new start just around the corner. I too have said that to many people but unless you are actually in the midst of hell, you cannot understand that those words, although given with love, just make it all seem so unattainable, so hard to reach and impossible to dream about, lest it be taken away before it becomes reality.

Depression is a monster that allows you to rise above for just a moment then cruelly drags you back down again. For those in the deepest part of their depression this seems a never ending battle that has no hope of being won. For those of us who have battled long and hard and can see the signs that we are falling, it is a little easier to stop the momentum. I know can see as I drop and although sometimes I find it hard to pull myself out of this, most times I can before it gets too deep.

Depression, negative feelings, expecting the worst are all ways that we sabotage the good in our life. Fear of success, fear of rejection, fear of things being taken away all push the good that comes into our lives back. The one thing I do know for sure is that it always works out. It always has for me and it always will. I may go through hell getting from despair to answer, and when I am stronger I will be able to do that sooner rather than later. Eventually though things fall into place and I wonder why I was so stressed and worried. The trick for me is to see it for what it is much more quickly than I do at the moment and when that happens I shall then keep more of the good in my life.

Until then this battle is real, and I will do everything in my power to pull myself through it all. As things start to fall into place I will relax more and be able to think more clearly and make better decisions. Then universe we are done. I think I have had enough harsh lessons this lifetime. Time for the rest of my life to be breezy and easy. As I say it so it is!

Margaret ❤

 

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