Facing The Truth

It has been over a month since I have sat down to write and still I am not sure what I can write about. The last few months have become so dreamlike as I work to keep myself in reality. The time has flown by so quickly. I almost feel like I have taken a holiday from the real world.

Even sitting here now I do not feel totally here. This disease and the financial and medical issues that go along with it have taken its toll. I go through days of wishing to have my old life back, which is not an option nor is it one that truthfully I want, to trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life.

The old life was a job I grew to dislike intensely and so this disease whilst painful and limiting also served to push me from the comfort of that unwanted life. Although we say we want change, we want the new, it is still a very hard job trying to get yourself to take that step. The fear that goes along with the new can sometimes keep us trapped in situations we no longer want but leave us frozen in a space that feels comfortable.

While I did desire a new beginning and a new life I could not take that step out of fear of failure, fear of not having enough money, even fear of what a new life would bring me. In the end because I could not take that step myself, the choice was taken away from me. I was forced into a new way of being, which was painful on so many levels.

Now I face a future where nothing is guaranteed. I feel like a teenager about to leave school and wondering what do I want to be, what do I want to achieve in this lifetime. I have pondered these thoughts constantly over the past few weeks and although ideas pop into my head, none of them seem to be achievable at the moment.

I struggle daily with the lack of independence, with the lack of choice and with the problems of a body that is not able to be and do what my mind knows is possible. The intention of doing some housework or something creative or even go for a walk is destroyed by the fact that my body is not capable of it. To go from being independent and able and in control to fatigue, constant pain and the anger that comes with it, is stressful and soul destroying.

I know there is something out there for me to do, I just need to find it. When I do I know that the sense of purpose will return and my life will once again have meaning. Until then I try to defeat the negative thoughts and try to stay as positive as possible.

My withdrawal from the world and the reality around me is serving to at least allow me to think a little more clearly than I have over the last year. As things fall into place around me and I understand what my life now is, I begin to come to terms with it. Once I have control of my thoughts and feelings then my life’s purpose will appear and I will embrace the meaning and lesson of this disease and its role in bringing the changes that were so desperately needed.

I will eventually give thanks for this time in my life as the catalyst to a new and beautiful time. Remember to always be careful with your thoughts and words. If you cannot take the steps to go after what you want, that choice will be taken out of your hands. You will get what you want but it may be in a completely different way to what you envision.

Margaret ❤

 

 

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Facing The Truth

  1. Hope all becomes clear for you soon. It’s been a long road. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Deborah

    I was so pleased to see your blog today. Facing a new reality one in some ways you don’t recognise but then on the other hand one that feels too familiar filled with pain & strife. It’s hard to have been thrown into this situation following unhappiness at a job you disliked. The reality of moving away from this but then open world to a completly unknown path.

    I can honestly say stick with it, as this is all you can do at the moment, bide you time Margaret and have faith that nothing stays the same and this situation is temporary for you….. I know you are ” digging deep” that’s all you can do. Visualise a better life style even though this may seem unacheivable, I believe you have been placed on this difficult situation for reasons that are just not apparent yet, keep as positive as you can when you can and at some point the sun ☀️ will shine down on you and all will become clearer. I send postitive blessings to you my friend.🦋

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Deborah. I do finally understand that I am moving to a different life and it is time to release the old one. It has been hard work but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for being a regular reader, I write to release all that is within me in the hopes that it helps someone else along the way. ❤

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      • Deborah

        Hi Margaret yes it certainly has been a major challenge for you, I am sure you are over the worst & going into the new.

        Your blog always helps me Margaret as we have similar difficulties & situations so keep writing whenever you feel inclined.

        Sending blessings and abundance in all you do 🦋

        Liked by 1 person

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