Well it has been another month since I have sat down to write. It seems that the months of this year are flying by so quickly. I have spent the last month or so trying to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life.
Everything up until the last year or two was heading in a certain direction and now I don’t feel the same excitement or anticipation in that path. Things have most certainly changed in my life and now I have the opportunity, within reason, to do anything I want. The problem is that I now have no direction. Things pop into my mind and I feel that it is a good option, only for it to disappear quickly and days go by before I remember that I had a plan.
It seems that the plan for my life is still hidden behind a wall, one that I have not been able to penetrate yet. I understand the wall is of my own making and yet I cannot seem to see beyond that blankness in front of me. As I sit to write I contemplate what has happened in my life over the past few months and still have difficulty in writing about it all.
The financial stresses for the most part have eased and now I find myself trying to focus on the future with apprehension. My health dictates what I can and cannot do at the moment and that weighs heavily on my mind. Before this illness I had plans for the future, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be, and now that those plans have dissolved I feel lost.
I am beginning to feel a little robotic, in that I wake in the morning, spend far too much time on the computer and then it is bed time. The days are slipping away and I have nothing to show for it. I have written before of my penchant for list writing, but even that does not produce any viable options.
I have been pushed so far out of my comfort zone that I feel that I am slipping back into a life of meaninglessness. My mind craves expansion and recreation of the memories of wonder and learning. If I do not have purpose in my life then I have nothing and fear that I will slip into the monotonous drudgery of the majority of humans upon this planet.
Without purpose and reason we have the tendency to drift along on the currents of life, until we find ourselves a few years or decades down the track waking from the dream of routine and regret. It is so easy to slip into this comfortable space and dream our dreams, but, we need to ensure that we take the action that these dreams require.
The challenge now for me, is to find something to focus on that can grow into a life that I can be proud of. Where my dreams and goals once again take a step forward. Although I have an illness that prevents me from living the life I had envisioned, I now have the opportunity to move onto a new and full life.
I have said once before that this period of my life would be a lesson that I would be grateful for in the future, and I still believe this. It is up to me to stir from the slumber I have drifted into and bring the new opportunities forward. Once again I must make a commitment to finding my life’s purpose.