Another day another doctors appointment. This being ill is exhausting work. So much easier to be healthy and fit. Between doctor’s appointments, chemist visits, and reading up on the new drug they want me to take, I feel like I have run a marathon.
It’s so very easy to take your health for granted. When you are ill it seems like a never ending road. My rheumatoid arthritis is not improving as I had hoped, my medication is not reducing the inflammation as it should. So, now onto a new drug, another one that is supposed to reduce inflammation and lessen the possibility of damage.
I am developing a powerful dislike to the chemicals that they wish to bombard my body with. I started with one problem and the medication for it causes other problems which then need another medication to counteract that problem. It feels like a never ending cycle of more and more drugs.
This new medication is for at least the next two months, at which time the specialist would like to put me onto a biological medication. The thought of this scares the life out of me. In order to have this medication I now need to have a vaccine for shingles, because this new biological drug can cause chicken pox!!
It seems pointless to keep giving drugs that cause other major problems and then have to take yet another to fix it. I already take two different types of medication and the third starts in the morning. Unless I can get this disease under some sort of control, then the fourth will become needed in a few months time.
I feel like I am going around in circles. Any wonder I have always stayed away from doctors unless it was absolutely necessary. I am having doubts that all this is the way I should be handling this disease. Yes, without the medication I cannot move but there must be a better way.
My new goal now is to make sure that I do not need the biological drug and to find a more natural way to deal with the damage being done to my body. I know my body is capable of repairing itself, I have faith that the natural way is the best and most effective. Yet still I hesitate and procrastinate. The drugs I currently take are stopping my body’s natural repair functions from activating.
There are also other considerations, financial and well as emotional to take into consideration. Yes it is easier to take the medication and just get on with life, but even this is affected by my emotional and mental state. Do I take what I am told to take and cover up the real enemy destroying my body, or do I dig deeper and discover the answers that are just below the surface.
I have spent years reading spiritual literature, trying different things to see what fits and what doesn’t. I know the answers are inside me, I know I need to find them and deal with them. I know what I have to do, yet I sit and wait for someone to come and do it for me. Procrastination and fear have kept me from following any and all of my dreams.
Now this disease is here to shake me up and get me to do what I have waited to do for my entire life. Will I wait longer or will I take up the challenge and do what needs to be done? I always remember my paternal grandmother having this disease. I never understood it, I was too young to know how she really felt. All I remember is not wanting to end up just like her, and guess what, here I am all these years later, just like her.
I have the advantage of knowing that I did indeed draw it to myself in my efforts to push it away. I have a much more sympathetic understanding of this woman who seemed distant to her own children and grandchildren. The pain that she must have felt, mirrors my own. Whether or not she let others know how she felt, I do not know but I have tried to keep it more to myself rather than explain it all.
While I am surrounded by those with a little pain that they turn into something huge, I have sat back and let them say, you only have a bit of arthritis, nothing like what I have. If only they understood what this disease is and what it does and how it affects the body, then maybe I would be more open about it.
For now I have my goals, reaching them is something that I will have to focus on with a strength that I have not yet found. Pushing myself to be more than I have ever been and to take the chances that appear no matter how fearful I become is something that I need to find. I know it is there I just need to reach in and dig it out.
My procrastination is so deeply entrenched that I face a huge battle, but my independence, my mental state, my emotions and indeed my entire life, rest upon this journey. To become all I can be and to overcome the blockages that I myself have put before me is the ultimate goal. Health, wealth and happiness will then be the byproduct.
Don’t let things get you down, don’t allow the negativity to take a foothold. Don’t allow yourself to get to the point where you regret not doing anything earlier. Sweep it all away with love, joy and a happy heart and soul. I know I can do it, and I know you can too.