Another month has passed and this year seems to roll on so quickly. It seems that I stop to think and a week goes by. My first instinct when this happens is that I am running out of time! I’ve wasted another month, haven’t moved forward with any of my plans, and then start to feel a little down again.
This last month though, has felt different. I find myself constantly going deeper with my thoughts. Evaluating each of them on a one to one basis. It has helped to make this time so clearly different to the beginning of the year.
Where before, I allowed the thoughts to pull me down and keep me there, this time I find it more illuminating. The thoughts I have are cross examined to test their authenticity, and more often than not they have failed.
I have risen above the normal responses that I fall into so often and so the time has been well spent. It has showed me that the things I have wanted, needed, dreamed and desired, are notions based in desperation. Getting older, not starting, not doing, all this and more have, in the past, kept me safely stuck in fear. Now with stepping back and really understanding my thoughts, I have been able to see things for how they are, not what my mind perceives them to be.
I feel a little proud of myself for finally having the ability to be conscious in my thoughts. Where before I allowed the feelings to take over, now I assess each thought to find a better perspective. No longer do I aimlessly fall within the security of fear, now I rise majestically to find the higher vibration in each thought.
There comes a time, in everyone’s life, where the old no longer has control. You wake up one day and things feel different, look different and are different. It just happens! Your ideas and thoughts just move up a notch into a better place and suddenly it is not scary, it feels right. It feels better and it feels natural.
I lament all the time I have tried to force myself to change. A waste of energy, when clearly I was not ready for the change. Trying to force yourself into anything turns it into a chore. It’s not fun, it’s not positive and it’s not going to help you do what you need to do. When you are ready it all works.
Everything I have done for almost all my life, has been forced. I had to do it, I need to do it, I want to do it, but I was never ready to do it. It feels like a great weight has been lifted. I now understand that everything will be okay. I end up where I am meant to be and I do what I am meant to do, and it all feels good.
There is a difference in the things I now want to do and be, and it all comes down to the energy of it all. What I thought I wanted slips away easily, to be replaced by new ideas, new plans and it all feels lighter. It feels joyful, I feel the sensation deep in my solar plexus. It is a good feeling.
Whenever I made plans I got excited, but that is as far as it went. The feeling disappeared quite quickly to be replaced by another idea, and another, until there was a mix of ideas that were never going to be achieved. As I released them and allowed my energy to grow and expand, new ideas took their place. These ideas, however, felt different. They did not slip away into the pit of unrealised dreams like before. The energy that accompanies them is stronger and more realistic.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have to make myself take a step, but when I do things flow. If it does not flow then it will never flow. Before, everything felt like it had to have a process, a strict one. Like writing a list and following it to the letter, instead of just allowing one step to follow another naturally.
During the last month as I stepped back, I began to see a pattern to my behavior. It definitely was an eye opener. To see yourself as you really are is quite an experience. I remember sitting in bed one night. I had planned to write a list, again. This list was to be a list of lists I needed to write. As I sat with pen and paper in hand, the notion of what I was about to do, hit me. I laughed out loud. I thought, wow, I have moved to a new level of procrastination, that if I did not stop it, I would be trapped in this energy forever.
The act of writing lists, now seems to me, to be a way of putting off taking that first step. A way to prolong my own victimization, my own feelings of unworthiness. Instead of a list, I just began to write. Whatever came through my mind was put down on that paper. A few days later, I sat and read what I had written and got such a shock.
I got so excited by the words that I almost talked myself into believing they had been written by someone else. What I had written had raised my energy so much, that I again started to write. These words will, eventually, become a book and course, but for now they inspire me to keep writing and to keep dreaming and to keep the flow going.
All it takes is just one moment in time, to completely change your outlook. Never underestimate what you truly are capable of. When that moment hits you, it really does hit you, and you will never be the same again. Take steps to achieve your dreams, if it feels good, keep going. If not, take a step in a different direction. Eventually the one moment in time will occur and your life will take off.