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Stirring From The Slumber.

Well it has been another month since I have sat down to write. It seems that the months of this year are flying by so quickly. I have spent the last month or so trying to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Everything up until the last year or two was heading in a certain direction and now I don’t feel the same excitement or anticipation in that path. Things have most certainly changed in my life and now I have the opportunity, within reason, to do anything I want. The problem is that I now have no direction. Things pop into my mind and I feel that it is a good option, only for it to disappear quickly and days go by before I remember that I had a plan.

It seems that the plan for my life is still hidden behind a wall, one that I have not been able to penetrate yet. I understand the wall is of my own making and yet I cannot seem to see beyond that blankness in front of me. As I sit to write I contemplate what has happened in my life over the past few months and still have difficulty in writing about it all.

The financial stresses for the most part have eased and now I find myself trying to focus on the future with apprehension. My health dictates what I can and cannot do at the moment and that weighs heavily on my mind. Before this illness I had plans for the future, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be, and now that those plans have dissolved I feel lost.

I am beginning to feel a little robotic, in that I wake in the morning, spend far too much time on the computer and then it is bed time. The days are slipping away and I have nothing to show for it. I have written before of my penchant for list writing, but even that does not produce any viable options.

I have been pushed so far out of my comfort zone that I feel that I am slipping back into a life of meaninglessness. My mind craves expansion and recreation of the memories of wonder and learning. If I do not have purpose in my life then I have nothing and fear that I will slip into the monotonous drudgery of the majority of humans upon this planet.

Without purpose and reason we have the tendency to drift along on the currents of life, until we find ourselves a few years or decades down the track waking from the dream of routine and regret. It is so easy to slip into this comfortable space and dream our dreams, but, we need to ensure that we take the action that these dreams require.

The challenge now for me, is to find something to focus on that can grow into a life that I can be proud of. Where my dreams and goals once again take a step forward. Although I have an illness that prevents me from living the life I had envisioned, I now have the opportunity to move onto a new and full life.

I have said once before that this period of my life would be a lesson that I would be grateful for in the future, and I still believe this. It is up to me to stir from the slumber I have drifted into and bring the new opportunities forward. Once again I must make a commitment to finding my life’s purpose.

Margaret ❤

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Facing The Truth

It has been over a month since I have sat down to write and still I am not sure what I can write about. The last few months have become so dreamlike as I work to keep myself in reality. The time has flown by so quickly. I almost feel like I have taken a holiday from the real world.

Even sitting here now I do not feel totally here. This disease and the financial and medical issues that go along with it have taken its toll. I go through days of wishing to have my old life back, which is not an option nor is it one that truthfully I want, to trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life.

The old life was a job I grew to dislike intensely and so this disease whilst painful and limiting also served to push me from the comfort of that unwanted life. Although we say we want change, we want the new, it is still a very hard job trying to get yourself to take that step. The fear that goes along with the new can sometimes keep us trapped in situations we no longer want but leave us frozen in a space that feels comfortable.

While I did desire a new beginning and a new life I could not take that step out of fear of failure, fear of not having enough money, even fear of what a new life would bring me. In the end because I could not take that step myself, the choice was taken away from me. I was forced into a new way of being, which was painful on so many levels.

Now I face a future where nothing is guaranteed. I feel like a teenager about to leave school and wondering what do I want to be, what do I want to achieve in this lifetime. I have pondered these thoughts constantly over the past few weeks and although ideas pop into my head, none of them seem to be achievable at the moment.

I struggle daily with the lack of independence, with the lack of choice and with the problems of a body that is not able to be and do what my mind knows is possible. The intention of doing some housework or something creative or even go for a walk is destroyed by the fact that my body is not capable of it. To go from being independent and able and in control to fatigue, constant pain and the anger that comes with it, is stressful and soul destroying.

I know there is something out there for me to do, I just need to find it. When I do I know that the sense of purpose will return and my life will once again have meaning. Until then I try to defeat the negative thoughts and try to stay as positive as possible.

My withdrawal from the world and the reality around me is serving to at least allow me to think a little more clearly than I have over the last year. As things fall into place around me and I understand what my life now is, I begin to come to terms with it. Once I have control of my thoughts and feelings then my life’s purpose will appear and I will embrace the meaning and lesson of this disease and its role in bringing the changes that were so desperately needed.

I will eventually give thanks for this time in my life as the catalyst to a new and beautiful time. Remember to always be careful with your thoughts and words. If you cannot take the steps to go after what you want, that choice will be taken out of your hands. You will get what you want but it may be in a completely different way to what you envision.

Margaret ❤

 

 

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Living The Lessons

The days seem to be flying at the moment. Almost half way through the year and the more I think about it, the more I feel that I have wasted so much time. The plans that were made at the end of the previous year all fell by the wayside quite quickly.

I had so many dreams and goals for this year. Especially after the year from hell that was 2016. Yet 2017 which promised a new beginning and a fresh new start, continued the same energy of last year. The more I tried to plan the more things went down hill.

Before you know it, the year is half way through and nothing has been achieved. I feel as if I have spent an enormous amount of time doing nothing and then feeling regret for letting this time slip away. Now is the time for me, and anyone else feeling the same way, to make a concerted effort to spend the rest of this year fully engaged in living in a more authentic way.

I find for myself if I decide that I am going to do something that I need to do it immediately. Otherwise it ends up being put on the back burner, along with so many other thoughts, dreams and goals. I am a list maker. I find myself lost for hours when I write lists of what to do, where to go, what to buy.

I recently cleaned out a chest in my room that was full of lined exercise books. These books were filled with list after list of my hopes and dreams, none of which came to fruition. All left to gather dust in a dark place. My habits seem to push me into this dark place where I am allowed to dream but not allowed to bring these dreams to life.

So how do you change the habits that have been with you for a lifetime? No matter what you read or who you ask, it is not a simple thing to release these habits and change your life in a quick and easy way. It takes discipline to change a habit. It takes repetition to change a habit.

After everything that has happened in the last two years, I now have an opportunity to make these changes. Knowing where to start is a problem though. I am so stuck in my ways that even now that I no longer can work, I still wake at the same time of the morning, I still shower as if I am preparing to go to work. Then I find myself sitting at the computer and getting lost in whatever I decide to look at.

Before I know it, time has slipped by and it is dinner time, and another day has been wasted. The first thing I need to do is to understand that I am not and have not wasted this time. I have spent so much of the last two years in pain that my body requires this slowing down. I need to adapt to how my life will be from this moment on. I can no longer do what I have always done.

The physical limitations have sapped my energy and the resulting frustration makes me give up at times. Now though as I find different ways to do the things I need and want to do, I tend to push myself a bit more. There is always a way to do something and if there is a way I will find it. I refuse to live the rest of my life missing out on the things I have always loved to do and the things that that I have always wanted to do.

If anything, this disease has taught me to find a new way of living, a way that very clearly I needed to understand. I fought against this for so long, but now as I make the changes needed in order to live, I have come to understand that all is not lost. I can still have the life I have always wanted, I just need to go about it in a different way.

This has been a huge lesson for me. From the pain to the financial problems to the everyday physical limitations, all this has taught me that there is a way and there always will be a way. You just have to find what suits you and how you can arrange things so you don’t feel like you are missing out on something.

As my life falls into place in a new way I look forward to the new opportunities that this disease will bring to me. It has served to push me out of my comfort zone and out of my habitual brain dead life. My hope is that the rest of this life is spent discovering new ways of being and new things to learn.

My time of giving up is over and now as I work towards making the changes that are so overdue in my life, I intend to take each step slowly and with the knowledge that I am giving myself the absolute best chance of a beautiful life.

I wish you all good living, good learning and good loving. Take a chance, make a change and look forward, no matter what, to the rest of your incredible life.

Margaret ❤

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One Step Forward Two Steps Back


Another week another conundrum to sort through. My financial situation improved a little finally in the last week, with a payment from my superannuation company. Income protection which I had never really thought about before has finally managed to come through. Now the problems begin. I am currently on a newstart payment from Centrelink. I have applied for a disability pension for which I finally have an appointment tomorrow. The superannuation company has also approved the total permanent disability claim but that does not necessarily mean that Centrelink will do the same.

While I do not know what will happen with the TPD claim, it has to go back to the superannuation company for final approval, the income protection payment causes another problem. As I have been on the newstart payment since late December, I will now owe them a debt for overpayment. At the same time they will owe me a debt for backpayment for the disability pension if and when it goes through. So to my mind they should both even each other out.

The problem is that neither company will make it that easy. I am worried that the stress that will now come will overshadow the last 6 months of stress, worry and fear. There will be a period of back and forth as each changes their payments to cover the over payment and what the other is paying me.

At this moment in time I would give anything to have my health and my independence back. Having to rely on a government payment for the last 5 months, that didn’t even cover my rent, has severely eroded my confidence and my ability to see a future. I cannot support myself now and the chances of being employed are very low. I doubt there is a company out there that will employ someone with an incurable disease that has health issues that do not stand up to a full days work.

My life as of now consists of constant pain, an ever evolving array of drugs that do little to help my condition and do even more damage to other organs in my body. Without the drugs at the moment I cannot move, with them I am destroying other parts of my body that will lead to an ongoing cycle of disease and pain with no hope in sight.

There has to be a better way. I had an appointment with the Infectious disease people at the local hospital who wanted me to go on more drugs for 9 months because of the chance of the drugs I am on and others further down the line activating another disease. If I take them I am doing more damage to my body if I don’t I risk another disease. It is a no win situation. I decided against the 9 months of drugs because I do not see the point in stopping one thing while activating another.

So I have been doing a lot of my own research into rheumatoid arthritis and its causes and the drugs that I am currently on and those that the doctors assume I will take later on. I have decided that a more natural way is the way to go. With the doctors I have no chance of a cure only containment and so in order to rid myself of this horrible disease I am going to take matters into my own hands.

While I research and adapt myself and my diet to work towards a better outcome I will still take the tablets I am on, but no more than that. I have already decided that I will not take them beyond the end of this year. The pain of this disease is undeniably horrible but it is much better than the odds of the chemicals I now take causing cancer and liver damage.

I am convinced that my diet, or rather lack of healthy eating over the years has along with a case of glandular fever in the early nineties has been a basis for what now ails me. Glandular fever is an infection caused by the epstein barr virus. A nasty virus that from my research continues to live on in your body long after you assume it has gone.

This may sit in your body and do no harm for the rest of your life but can be retriggered again with a lot of stress and anxiety. The pain of rheumatoid arthritis started for me during a time almost 2 years ago when I was diagnosed with a possible cancer of the cervix, uterus or ovaries. The stress and fear that I went through over almost 6 months of testing and surgeries did a lot to undermine my emotional wellbeing. In the end it was discovered after a full hysterectomy that there was never any cancer in the first place and it was just a pathology mistake.

Not long after the final surgery the pain began, slowly at first, one hip then my feet and onwards until my whole body was in constant pain. I made the assumption that it was sciatica and did not seek any treatment other than chiropractic and osteopathic. Neither of which eased my pain. After living on codeine for 9 months and finally being told by my employer to go home and not come back until I was 100% healthy, did I finally decide that I needed to sort this out.

There was some sort of relief after the diagnosis of RA was returned but still left me with not much of a life to speak of, only pain and stress and anxiety. I am firmly convinced that this all triggered the virus to begin its destruction of my health again. So in the simple language of one not trained in medicine, in order to rid myself of my health problems the epstein barr virus must be dealt with first.

As my digestive system begins to work more efficiently my body will respond with more and more healing. Because of the drugs I am currently on, which supress the immune system, my body cannot help itself as efficiently as it normally could. So my first step is to heal my digestive system and focus on only filling my body with that which is good for it.

No more processed foods, only healthy fruits and vegetables to cleanse and clear my system, in order to allow it to fight the virus that is trying to destroy me. From my research so far it does not seem that there is a lot of medical people who will agree. If it cannot be fixed by pill or surgery then they deny that it can be cured. So alternative methods are becoming much more interesting and informative.

I started reading books by Anthony William, the Medical Medium. The more I read the more I sat there nodding my head. It made so much more sense than anything else I had found. So tomorrow will be day one of the protocol he suggests to clear my body and begin to heal. This is not just any diet, this is for me, the difference between life and death. I have no wish to live this way any longer and so I will begin a new life with the expectation of less toxic drugs and a more healthful existence.

Margaret ❤

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Back On Track?

It has been almost a month since I have posted on my blog. The negativity I had been feeling was getting to be quite overwhelming and although writing about it was cathartic, it was far too much to put it out there.

I am still in the same position as I was in April, but I feel much better about my situation. The depths that I fell to during the last month was scary to say the least. Going from being able to support yourself and being healthy and have  goals to being dependent on others just to survive has been an experience that I would have preferred not to have gone through.

As I have come to terms with this new life I have been given, I have discovered a few things that before this I would not have considered. The fear in situations like this is almost paralyzing and makes everything seem so much worse that it could actually be.

Now that I can think more clearly, I can make plans and once again reach for the goals that have eluded me for so long. I know that I do not want to live the rest of my life this way, and so now I can begin again to take the small steps that can put me back on the path that I choose rather than the path that I have allowed to overtake me.

I have consciously been sending love to everyone and anyone that has a part in my new life. Although I did not expect it to have a bearing on the outcome of anything, it actually has. The doors that kept closing on me and the people who told me one thing and then did another became much more easier to work with.

There is still some way to go with my health and my financial situation but I don’t feel that I will have to live in my car in the foreseeable future. I am not sure where I will end up, but I know it is not where I am currently. I am finally taking the road that allows what is right for me to appear as and when it should.

I still intend to sell my belongings, or at least those that are no longer relevant in my life. As I go through the house to see what I have actually accumulated for all these years, one thing becomes clear. There is so much that I do not use, that I do not want, that I do not need. There are boxes that have been packed away for the last almost 5 years in this house and 5 in the one before.

Why do I hold onto all these things? My security up until now has been in possessions, but not anymore. Although there is a lot that I wish to keep because it is useful and because I love it, the rest must now move on to its new home.

I have moved my desk and computer into my bedroom, and spend most of my time there. My son spends most of his time in his room. We have a small electric heater that we use to keep these two rooms warm and that is making things much easier. The house has ducted heating but it is not a viable option when you cannot afford to pay for it. So the small heater makes life a little bit warmer and easier.

By doing this I have discovered that I do not need a lot of possessions or things. I do not need a lot of space. We rarely get visitors so this has not been a problem yet. We are warm and comfortable and that is all we need.

So now my next goal is to manifest in some way the perfect home for us to live in. I have no expectations of what or where, but I do know that it will be perfect for us and it will appear when the time is right.

Until then I will continue to send love out to the universe around me and also to myself. The more I do this the more will be returned to me in many different ways. Each day I intend to improve my situation even if it is just by a little bit. The more good I expect the more good will appear. I have finally decided that the universe knows what it is doing with me and it is time for me to have faith in that.

Margaret ❤

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Falling

I sat down to write last night and just stared at the screen. Nothing wanted to be heard, nothing felt right. This morning the same, nothing positive and energizing. Nothing uplifting and joyful. Only anger and resignation that I am wasting my time.

This morning I am angry at the world, I am angry that nothing works. Today I hate the law of attraction. It doesn’t work. I have spent so much of my life trying to be positive, to expect the best, to live in the now and to be happy. Where has it got me?

On the verge of losing my home, no job, no money, my health sucks big time and there is not a damn thing I can do about any of it.

I give up, you win universe. If your plan for me was to break through the bottom of the pit and enter new territory then congratulations you have succeeded. I totally and utterly give up. I have never in my entire life been as low as I am at this moment and I hate it. Every other time I have been this low I have managed to bring myself up and out of it, not this time.

This time I have been completely abandoned. I cannot fight anymore. I sit here in what will soon no longer be my lounge room, wrapped in blankets and gloves because I cannot afford the heat. I have no idea what to do next. I have no hope of rescue and no one to rely on.

There is only me and the huge ball of negativity that has settled over my entire life. I could sell my car to pay the rent, but that won’t last long and I will need my car to sleep in. I have tried selling the things I own and although I have sold some there is still so much that no one wants and it will all end up at the tip.

Everything I own carries the energy of my life and although I have made it to 56 years it has not been easy nor has it been fun. I no longer want nor need the possessions I have spent my life accumulating. I have not and will not talk about all of this in person, my words here are for me to release at least some of the pain that this life has brought to me.

It seems that no matter what I do it is destined to fail. Everything I have tried over the years has failed to some degree. The only positives in my life are my boys, without them I would not have survived this long.

Over the last few months I have been teased with light at the end of the tunnel, but the more I try to get there the more it moves away from me. So universe, do what you will, I no longer care and I will no longer fight. I will stay here at the bottom of my pit until I have the energy to once again fight.

When and if that time comes, I will be a completely different person. You cannot struggle for so long and lose constantly without it changing you. I no longer trust anyone, everyone has an ulterior motive. No one has my best interests at heart. So trust is gone, maybe forever.

There is only me and I can only do what I can with the energy I have now. Energy that needs to be washed clean to begin to rise from the ashes of the past and the now. Tomorrow I may feel better, I may feel worse. I will take what comes for now and allow it all to do what it will and move on again. I have tried for too long to fight it now I shall allow it to run its course and see where I end up.

I wish you all peace and harmony and the strength to live the lives you choose.

Margaret ❤

 

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Trusting The Bigger Picture

I have always been a bit of a loner. Always took the back seat whenever I could. Stayed in the background at parties. Didn’t want to be at the parties. Never had a lot of friends at school or elsewhere. I have one awesome friend who does not live near me but no matter how long it is between speaking, it is as if it was yesterday.

So for me allowing what I am feeling and what is happening in my life to become public knowledge is very hard. I use this blog as a sounding board, a place to let all my inner thoughts come out. I never expected anyone to read it. I never expected anyone to care.

When it comes to my problems, I keep them to myself. My life has been a mixture of the good, the not so good, the bad, the absolute pits and now. Over the years I have tried everything. Law of attraction, thinking positive, affirmations, and although they work for a little while, sooner or later my world comes crashing down again.

I have lived this cycle for so many years it is hard to remember what life was like before it all fell apart. I must have had dreams and goals, plans for my perfect future, but somehow along the way I have given them up. I have always picked myself up and tried again, always.

This time is different. This time I need to end this cycle because this time I haven’t got the energy to get back up. So much has happened in the last two years. Everything that I worked hard for is gone, every dream has evaporated. What is left is complete despair.

Still the inner urge to try one more time is there. I know I need to try again, I just need to know that it is not another waste of time. That when I get myself back up that I will stay there, not come crashing down again.

So how do I trust that things will work out, when they never have before? How do I trust the people around me to do the right thing, when they never have before? How do I pick myself up and start again with the knowledge that this cycle may begin all over again? How do I break this cycle when I am in the midst of the deepest depression I have allowed?

There are those around me with my highest good in their thoughts. Those that have words and ideas, but from behind my wall that is all they are, words. They make no sense to me at the best of times and at the worst make me feel inadequate and useless and a failure.

I understand they are trying to help, but from my viewpoint it feels like a waste of time. In my eyes it does not matter what I do or do not do, this cycle is never ending and I cannot escape. This is my battle and although the help is there if I need it, and I do, I still feel it is my responsibility to handle it.

I got myself into this continuing cycle of misery, ups and downs and I am the only one who can pull myself out of it. Sure there are times when I am up and things appear to be going well, but always in the back of my mind there is the thought that something is coming to destroy it. How can you succeed if you are always expecting failure?

I am currently sitting here with my future in someone else’s hands. I have no control over what will happen to my home, my life, my family. All I can control is my reaction to it all, and at the moment I am weak and that reaction is not helpful nor promising. On top of the depression and the fear there are tablets. More tablets than I have ever taken in my life. Tablets that are supposed to be helping with my rheumatoid arthritis but are also damaging other parts of my body.

These tablets are also affecting my mind, my memory and this upsets, frustrates and scares me. If I come up with a solution that I would like to try, I am told by others that no you can’t do that it won’t work. It’s not going to work unless I try it and at the moment trying is all I have.

I am standing on the edge of a cliff not knowing if what I do will tip me over or what others tell me to do will tip me over. I am stuck, trapped in my own little pit of sadness and helplessness. I need to find a way out and it has to be of my choosing. This I know for certain now. I will listen to what others say, I will be guided by their thoughts and their ideas, but ultimately it is my choice and my decision.

If I am to escape from this cycle it has to be by my own will. I have to stand up once more and try again and again and again. I must never give up, that would just lead to permanent destruction and that is not something I will allow. My stubborness will not allow me to fail no matter how long it takes and how many steps backward I take.

So once again I am standing up and taking a step. Who knows how long this will last, but while it is there I will do it. Each time I must get stronger, right? The aim for now is to try and get one part of my life working again. Any part will do. Then I can take the next step and focus on another part, then another.

Allow me to choose and most of all do not push, for I will fall back to where I was and stay there just to despite myself. Wish me luck.

Margaret ❤

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