I am very logical. I write lists, I plan things carefully. I park in the same place in carparks. I put my shoes on the same foot first and my socks and my pants. When I tap my fingers on the table, it is in an order, not random, a pattern. Everything from the head, not from the heart.
I was reminded today by a wonderful lady and healer, that I need to work from the heart. I’m not sure I know how. I get so used to things being the way they are that I forget what the other options are. For those that read my blog, you will know I have had physical problems with my leg and hip for the past year. I am getting to the stage where I can walk almost normally, but I am finding that doing that is not as easy as it should be.
I can feel and see myself limping when I know I don’t need to, not always at least. I think I have forgotten what normal feels like. I know I still have the fear that my leg will not hold me up and with that uncertainty there may be pain. I do not trust my body to work in the way that it should. Fear is still a huge factor in my life and with that fear and lack of trust I have become a stagnant little pool of helplessness.
Everything is out there just waiting for me to say yes, and I say no by retreating back into the comfort of pain and misery. Why would I want to stay in pain and misery, because it is known. Because it is safe. Because I know where I stand. Because I am afraid to take that step towards my dreams. So today’s reminder of my readiness for the new life I envision, is once again an opportunity to make the changes needed.
I have had so many opportunities over the past few years to make these changes, but I always manage to crawl back to the safety of my cage. A cage built from fear and unworthiness. A cage that must, this time, be demolished once and for all. I can no longer retreat for I see now, finally, what I am doing to myself. Before I never saw it until after I was safely back in my cage, and then felt a disgust for myself and a pity that one should never feel for themselves. Now I see it as it happens. I can stop myself, although not completely yet, from retreating back completely. Rather than pity, I try to boost myself. I am proud of the fact that I have come far enough to see the damage I do to my self esteem and my emotions as it occurs.
Now it is time for that next tentative step. One small step that has the potential to change everything. One that will open my life and my eyes, one that will allow my dreams to finally come true. One that will allow me finally to be the person I have always had hidden away behind a thick wall of fear. One step, that is all it takes, just one small step full of fear and anxiety, but one that must, this time, be taken. For without this step I will forever be trapped in a self made cage of plans and dreams that have no chance of ever becoming real.
Am I scared? Absolutely! Am I afraid of what others will think? Absolutely! Am I afraid of what others will say? Most definitely! For me it is now or never. I must move now, there is no other way for me to go. I must have faith in those in spirit around me, those who guide me and love me no matter what. Most of all I must trust that all will work out in a way that has been a long time coming. Most of all I must allow.
Fear rises up as I type this. It sits on my chest like huge weight. I am tense but I am breathing and I will release this weight and allow my life to be as it will.