What do you do when you allow things to get to you so much that you end up depressed and very down? It is such hard work pulling myself up from the bottom of the barrel every time I drop. Through everything that has happened in the last 18 months, I have tried to stay positive. Everything will work out, it will all fall into place. I have believed that up until yesterday.
Yesterday started out okay, I woke up early and feeling good. I got out of bed and had my coffee. My son went to work for the day, my parents came and dropped some more of their belongings off to store while they move house. Then they went home. I spent the rest of the day alone.
Yesterday was my birthday.
The one day of the year that I look forward to, and the one day of the year that always lets me down. I try to think positively and expect a good day. Deep down inside I expect it to be like every other birthday and it is. The one day of the year that makes me cry and that I want to forget the minute it is over.
Combined with the energies of the super full moon, it made yesterday and today very emotional. Adding emotional stress to my already sore body and mind. It makes me put out a vibration of pain, fear, aloneness and unworthiness like no other day of the year.
Every year I tell myself it will be different. I will be happier, I will be gentle with myself and every year I get a little depressed and bring the walls crumbling down around me. As the poor me energy washes over me while I try desperately to climb above it all, I feel helpless and useless all at once. I know to expect this energy, I know to prepare myself, but every year I am always unprepared for the depth of feelings that this day brings.
Adding to the stress I am already under with my health issues and lack of a job, it is something that I just do not need at the moment, and it undermines what ever strength I have left to fight. Writing it all down helps, it makes me see how I feel and what I am feeling. It helps me to understand that I can get through it, it is not as bad as I think it is.
Everything around me points to prosperity and abundance, the right job and income will appear, things will fall into place easily and quickly. But all I see is a wall, I cannot seem to get around it and take what is being offered. I don’t know which way to turn to find the way through. I am stuck in a maze of illusion and self pity. I smell the victim in myself and yet cannot do anything to push through it all.
There must be a way to get through, and when I do find it I will wonder why I did not see it before. I am allowing the wall of defeat to block me, I am allowing my stress and fear to overcome me. I am allowing all that is good in my life to slip past me, the opportunities not seen, nor taken. I cannot go on like this. I must make a stand, for my sanity and for my health.
I must dig deeper than the victim, deeper than the self pity and dig myself out of the hole that no one but me can see. Everyone around me can see what lies before me, but me. I am blind to what awaits me and the blindness is fear. I sit and laugh at the thought of being fearful of having what I want. What is so scary about being successful? What is so scary of having the life I have always dreamed of? Why do I feel I need to stay stuck in this big deep hole?
As another birthday passes, and more opportunities are frittered away, I wonder what my purpose is. What do I gain from wasting my life being afraid? Why can’t I take that chance, grab it with both hands and run with it? What do I need to push me to take that one small step that will set everything on course for the life of my dreams?
Next year my birthday will be different. Next year I will celebrate like I never have before. Next year I will not allow it to be as it always has. One step is all it takes, one little, big fat scary step. One step that I must take to escape from the prison I have confined myself to. That step is to believe, just believe.