Today is day one of my time off. A time for me to rest, and repair the damage I have been doing to my body for far too long. So what am I going to do on these most beautiful days. When I have holidays I normally have a list of things I want to get done, so much so that I am exhausted just reading it. Not this time. This time I am going to rest, I am going to spend the time finding me.
For far too long I had forgotten who I was. What I wanted and where I was going. I was wife, mother, ex wife, daughter, employee but never me. Now as I sit and contemplate my two weeks off, I would like to find me again. I have become the thing I most wanted to avoid when I was younger. I hobble around like an old lady and cannot do anything without pain. It needs to stop, now.
I am going to be a Grandmother. I am so excited to meet this new beautiful little being. I want to be able to do things with this child, things normal grandparents do. I don’t want to sit in pain and watch while others get down on the floor to play. I want to get down on the floor and play, I want to run and play in the garden, I want to be a happy part of this child’s life.
So now as I add grandmother to the list of who I am, more than ever I need to find the real me. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to find time to visit. I want to sort out my work life balance now before it is too late. For too long I have put work first. The bills needed to be paid, the rent needs to be paid and I am it where that is concerned.
Manifesting the real me within this new life dream is not going to be easy. I have guilt to release, I have resentment to release. But I have come to realise that I do deserve more than I have and I am. The resentment I feel towards those that have what I feel I want needs to disappear. I can and will have the life I want. The bills will be paid, the rent will be paid, and there will be time to visit my family and their families. I will become a whole part of my boys lives again instead of someone that they see in between my work.
Guilt and resentment have taken over so much of my life that even releasing them will feel like I am losing a friend. They need to go, the sooner the better. Letting them go and replacing them with a feeling of gratitude and worthiness is where I am going. The inner me that for so long has not been able to express her feelings, her love and how proud she is of her family. This me is buried so very deeply but she is emerging, slowly and timidly, but still coming forward towards the life that for so long has been denied.
As this new chapter of my life begins and the excitement of a new baby builds, I will prepare myself to become the mother I should have been, but was always too scared to be, and the grandmother that I want to be and will be. I may have wasted half a life time but there are lessons to be learned within it all. Those lessons will not go to waste, I will and am becoming me again.
This time running back to the comfort of fear is not an option. This time I will break through the barriers I put up so long ago. This time I will succeed. This time is my time and I will no longer waste it. The more I look within, the more I see what I have been and can now release. The more I look within, the more I know I need the changes and the changes appear much more easily than ever before.
This time I am ready!