Tag Archives: Gratitude

Facing The Truth

It has been over a month since I have sat down to write and still I am not sure what I can write about. The last few months have become so dreamlike as I work to keep myself in reality. The time has flown by so quickly. I almost feel like I have taken a holiday from the real world.

Even sitting here now I do not feel totally here. This disease and the financial and medical issues that go along with it have taken its toll. I go through days of wishing to have my old life back, which is not an option nor is it one that truthfully I want, to trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life.

The old life was a job I grew to dislike intensely and so this disease whilst painful and limiting also served to push me from the comfort of that unwanted life. Although we say we want change, we want the new, it is still a very hard job trying to get yourself to take that step. The fear that goes along with the new can sometimes keep us trapped in situations we no longer want but leave us frozen in a space that feels comfortable.

While I did desire a new beginning and a new life I could not take that step out of fear of failure, fear of not having enough money, even fear of what a new life would bring me. In the end because I could not take that step myself, the choice was taken away from me. I was forced into a new way of being, which was painful on so many levels.

Now I face a future where nothing is guaranteed. I feel like a teenager about to leave school and wondering what do I want to be, what do I want to achieve in this lifetime. I have pondered these thoughts constantly over the past few weeks and although ideas pop into my head, none of them seem to be achievable at the moment.

I struggle daily with the lack of independence, with the lack of choice and with the problems of a body that is not able to be and do what my mind knows is possible. The intention of doing some housework or something creative or even go for a walk is destroyed by the fact that my body is not capable of it. To go from being independent and able and in control to fatigue, constant pain and the anger that comes with it, is stressful and soul destroying.

I know there is something out there for me to do, I just need to find it. When I do I know that the sense of purpose will return and my life will once again have meaning. Until then I try to defeat the negative thoughts and try to stay as positive as possible.

My withdrawal from the world and the reality around me is serving to at least allow me to think a little more clearly than I have over the last year. As things fall into place around me and I understand what my life now is, I begin to come to terms with it. Once I have control of my thoughts and feelings then my life’s purpose will appear and I will embrace the meaning and lesson of this disease and its role in bringing the changes that were so desperately needed.

I will eventually give thanks for this time in my life as the catalyst to a new and beautiful time. Remember to always be careful with your thoughts and words. If you cannot take the steps to go after what you want, that choice will be taken out of your hands. You will get what you want but it may be in a completely different way to what you envision.

Margaret ā¤

 

 

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A New Era

Well it has been a week of freaky energy. One minute I feel positive and uplifted, the next I am thrown down into the depths again. The energy of the new moon has thrown things up in the air and allowed it all to fall mish mashed all over the place as it lands.

The stress and energy required to keep myself on an even keel throughout the financial and health issues that seem to not be getting anywhere, has taken it’s toll this week. I will not be able to stay in my home. That has become apparent and no matter what I try or how hard I try it will not change this situation.

So now I am faced with the task of deciding which of my possessions are important enough to keep and which can be sold, given away or thrown away. I have tried since December to keep the rent and bills paid by selling my beautiful crystals and books but it is not enough. I cannot sell enough to cover what I need anymore and I have no one left to borrow from.

This puts me in a position that I have never been in before. I have always made do before, always just had enough to get by and always paid my bills. The thought of not being able to keep up with these is upsetting me more and more each week. I have income protection and total permanent disability insurance within my superannuation and have applied for both, but as those who have dealt with insurance companies know, they are quick to take your money but unbelievably slow to give it back when needed.

I had hoped that something would have come through by now, but they are slowly going through my applications and I will find out something soon, sadly not in time to save my home.

I am however taking this as a sign that this home is no longer for us. We have been here for just over 4 years and in that time we have lost our rabbit, our cat, my last car and both our jobs as well as my health. The last two years have been testing to say the least but I am still breathing so cannot complain too much.

This situation has now given us an opportunity to begin again. My son and I have been through a lot in the last two years and now with having to sell almost everything we own we are faced with a complete new beginning. We have decided to move in with my parents for as long as they can handle us šŸ™‚ until we get back on our feet.

We need this time to make some decisions without the possibility of eviction hanging over us. My health cannot improve with all this stress and although there is no cure for rheumatoid arthritis I hope that one day I will be able to live without constant pain.

I actually get excited by the thought of beginning again. Most of our belongings are second hand, full of the energy of those who owned them before and the energy of not being wanted. I had not thought of this before but in buying second hand furniture and other things we are buying items that have been given away or sold because they are of no use anymore. This energy stays with the item and transfers it to the new owners.

Imagine living with the thought that you are not wanted or needed anymore. How would you feel? What sort of energy signature would you give out? Living surrounded by all that negative energy and having it soaking into my and my sons energy fields has been heavy and suffocating. so now we have the opportunity to bring new energy into our lives with, when we can afford it and have somewhere to put it, new furniture and household items.

Because of this reason the things I am selling are being sent to their new owners with love and the hope that they are loved and cherished. They are sent knowing that they were wanted but need to move onto others who will love them as we have. It still makes it very hard to decide what to keep and what to let go of. We will be moving a from a three bedroom house into two bedrooms at my parents home and so must be very careful with what we take.

Only those things that I cannot bear to part with will be staying, the rest will be sent onwards with love and gratitude. Remember when you buy second hand goods to bring them into your life with love, clear and cleanse them of the old energy and welcome them into your life with joy. Everything has energy whether you think so or not so being careful with what you bring into your space will ensure that negative energy is kept to a minimum.

Be aware of how you feel when you buy and sell and allow that energy to dictate whether or not you accept it into your life. Use your feelings rather than the visual look of the items to decide whether or not they are for you. How you feel around something is much more important than what something looks like and always will be.

Here’s to a brand new start, renewed health and optimism and the start of a new era.

Margaret ā¤

 

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Choosing The Good Thoughts

Well hasn’t this year moved fast? February already and still most of us are trying to process the year just gone. Before we know it we will be celebrating another new year.

When another month begins I always have the feeling that I have wasted the month just gone. I have so many things that I want to do, need to do and plan to do and then time just gets away and the month is over.

I am a list maker, but over the last year or so my list writing has stopped. While I no longer have a pile of exercise books full of my hopes, dreams, wants and needs, I sort of miss the cathartic experience of just writing things down.

Earlier this year I started a the 30 Days to Love Your Life course by Mike Dooley. The creator of Notes from the Universe and the Tut Adventurers Club. While I was excited about it all it went in the end, the same way a lot of things have gone over the last two years. Another pretty notebook with the first 4 days done and then the doubts of what I had written and chosen crept in and I procrastinated on moving to the next lesson.

I still have the links and I really am determined to go through the whole 30 days at some point, but things happening around my family and my health have taken priority for the moment. Still I have used these excuses for so long that anything that I attempt in order to improve my life always falls back on them. I have so many links to websites and You Tube channels, Facebook pages, blogs and courses, that I will probably never have enough of this lifetime to get through them all.

The problem with having so many is that I don’t know which one to start first, and so I attempt to do many at once. All of which leads to a less than determined effort on my part to learn anything from them. There are so many different avenues of self improvement that it is hard to settle on the ones that really stand out for me. I start one and get bored very easily, especially if it is something that I have attempted before or know something about already.

So I have felt for a few months now, more than overwhelmed with my surroundings and my possessions, both physical and virtual. If I could I would just take my most treasured possessions and just walk away from the rest. My home has become cluttered with things I thought I needed or things that might be needed in the future. I look around and feel trapped by what before has brought me joy.

I always said that one day I will win a lottery and buy my own home, and I will get everything new for this home. Only taking that which is special or strongly sentimental with me. I pictured for years the rental homes I have lived in, being upended and everything falling out. Leaving a clean slate in which to start my life over with.

Well the lottery win has not happened, yet! But the urge to upend the house and start again has become much more strong than ever before. Those who know me or read my blog regularly know of my situation and that I am currently selling some of my possessions to cover bills while I sort out my health issues.

Seems to me that I have been again, given what I asked for. I wanted a clean slate and now I have to sell things to survive, which will leave me with not very many possessions at all. Ask and you are given, again I was not specific, another lesson in this.

I have to say though that the thought of everything I own going to a new home and leaving me with the space and sanity to create something new, is exciting. The chance to start my life over, although enforced, is something that I have wanted for such a long time. My life had become monotonous and the rut that I was in was getting deeper and deeper. So the illness, the joblessness and the forced decluttering of my home and mind was something that I had longed for and asked for many times.

Now the challenge lies in taking advantage of this opportunity. I have for months, been in a poor me mentality and finally now I understand the whys of the situation and the possibilities for the future. I have been told there is no cure for Rheumatoid arthritis, but that to me is a challenge and when I am challenged I will try everything I know to succeed.

For now, I will declutter my computer and choose only those files and folders that excite me, sell my possessions that no longer have a place with me and as I clear my life and mind, the new ideas and goals will come into view. As Mike Dooley says, “Thoughts do become things, so choose the good ones” The good ones are what I am now tuning into and what I will achieve.

For those interested in Mike’s Notes From the Universe and other courses and books.

http://www.tut.com/

https://www.facebook.com/mikedooley

Remember to always check your inner thoughts and if it is negative, change it because you always get what you ask for. Good or bad.

Margaret ā¤

 

 

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Towards The Years End

So it seems Christmas is upon us. Such a beautiful time of the year for many but this year like so many others I am struggling. For the first time in my 56 years I am bypassing Christmas. Things have not worked out the way I assumed they would this year. It has been a very tough and challenging year to say the least.

I know there is a lesson in here somewhere, but at the moment I am struggling to see it. For many of us, this year, a universal 9 year has been one of struggle, oppression, pain, anger and endings. To say that many of us are looking forward to a new start next year, is an understatement.

I have let go of so much this year and allowed some to slip from my fingers. I know it is all for the best, but sometimes it is hard to see the blessing amongst it all. Eventually it will all settle down, and as the new universal 1 year brings in fresh energy, we will all rise above our problems and begin to make the changes and alterations needed to make the next 9 year cycle one of love, peace and abundance.

Getting to that beginning though will be a hard journey, even though it is only a few more days, it is going to be the longest time of the year. Surrounded by negative energy and feelings of helplessness only brings it down even further. No matter how many people tell me to have faith and things will work out, they are not the ones wondering how they will pay their rent or what have I got in my house that I can sell to pay the bills. It is hard to see the sunshine when you are among the storm clouds.

Faith is something that I am trying so very hard to have but everyday something else happens that hits me fair and square in the face and lets me know in no uncertain way, that nope not finished with you yet.

I am one of those people who always leave important things to the last minute. My faith allowed me to be able to wait and I had an unwavering knowledge that it would all be okay and it was. This time however there are more lessons to learn and my last minute has come and gone, with no rescue in sight.

The more faith I have the better I feel, and my body responds by feeling better. When I am too stressed however, then the pain comes back in a different part of my body. Currently my middle back. It seems too hard and painful to take a deep breath, so I move about gingerly trying to get it all to relax. The other day it was my arm. I moved something I shouldn’t have and ended up with pain so severe that I almost called an ambulance.

The connection between pain and thoughts and feelings and my energy is very clear. In order to release myself permanently of this pain, I have to release all the negativity and stress that is currently running my life. So stuck between a rock and a hard place, I have no idea which way to go. To release the stress and worry requires money at the least, a job at best.

It’s funny, I am in a group on Facebook all about manifesting. I read the stories of people who miraculously have what they need come to them just in the nick of time and wonder what am I doing wrong, because it doesn’t work for me. Some have money just appear for them on the ground in front of them, some have cheques arrive unexpectedly in the mail. Tried the cheque thing, didn’t work. At least no bills have arrived though. I go for a walk to help my leg heal more and cannot even find five cents on the path.

Maybe I am allergic to money?

The common theme for all those who have manifested their rescue package is the same, have faith and what you need will appear. What if it doesn’t?, and I know it doesn’t for a lot of people. There are people in my area living in their cars because either deep down they only expect to be able to have that or because it is a part of their journey in this lifetime. I have even decided that I must be cursed in some way, or the universe is playing a big joke on me. Let her get so close to succeeding then we will pull the chair out from under her again. That is so much fun….not!

In the end, I do not know how it will happen but I know it will happen. Things will work out, they always do, it’s just taking a little longer this time. All the signs are around me for success and prosperity and abundance, I am just not seeing them clearly or pushing them away.

I know what happens outside of me is caused by what happens within me. All this is teaching me a huge lesson in accepting help. Something which is very hard for me to do. I have always been the one to help, regardless of whether I could afford the time or money to do so. Now I am in the position of having to ask for help and it is very unsettling, a very strange and odd feeling. I am having a hard time accepting it, but until I do then this lesson will not end.

I will make the best of Christmas this year and plan on making next Christmas one to remember. As long as I see my boys and my parents, then Christmas is a success. This year will be one of who is there rather than who got what.

As this year closes out, remember to send out positive energy. There are many of us who need that little boost just to remind us we are loved and needed. There are many all over the world who have absolutely nothing and no way to change that. While I and others may lament our own failures and lack, putting it all into context with the entire planet shows me that I am abundant, I am loved and I am successful.

Margaret ā¤

 

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Dealing With The Shadows

Today I got angry with myself.

Angry because I allowed people to walk all over me. Angry because I didn’t stop it. Angry because I didn’t see it. Angry because I allowed it all to make me feel less than. Angry because I let it sap my strength, and angry because I let it push me back to where I was a long time ago.

My throat tightened up, and I could feel the tears trying to emerge. The more I tried to stop them the more my throat closed over. I yelled at myself…. in my head, I didn’t want to scare the neighbors šŸ™‚

Now I have calmed down, but during it I thought of everything that has happened over the last four years or so. We moved house, our rabbit died, our cat died. My hours at my old job were cut on a regular basis, not because I was not working enough, but because there were no customers. My son’s hours got cut, then there was the pathologist who told me I had cancer. I didn’t. Surgery to remove the parts of me that did not need to be removed. Then the pain from Sciatica and overworked muscles, the limping, the hobbling. The pain killers and eventually having no choice but to resign from my job. I was no longer needed, no point me being there if I couldn’t do the work, I was told. They were just wasting money having me there, I was told. Go home and don’t come back until you are 100%, I was told.

Thanks for the support!

Chatting with a friend this afternoon, we talked about the energy around us. Both of us have had a very trying year. The one thing she had done and I had not, was to clear the energy of my home. It was so simple, yet I had not thought to do it. Everything that has happened in this house has added layer upon layer of negative and depressing energy. To the point were it doesn’t feel like home anymore.

This morning my card of the day on my Facebook page was “Death”. Perfectly fitting for the day I have had. This cycle has to end, whether it be by natural means or by me deciding and enough is enough and stopping the rot in its tracks.

A new beginning is what is, and has been needed for such a long time. I have the opportunity now to make those changes. To start afresh, and the first thing I will be doing will be to start to remove the layers of horrible energy within my house and allow it to become a home again.

It is time to release all around me that no longer fits with my life. All that is no longer useful, and all that is blocking me from living a happy, abundant life. Most of my “stuff”, is second hand. It carries with it, the energies of those who it belonged to before. Who knows how many people owned “my stuff”! All their energies building up and up until each item no longer resembles the spirit in which it was designed and made.

Time to let it all go. I have to admit I am a bit of a hoarder. I keep things because they may become useful one day. One day has never ever arrived and probably never will. So out they must go. I am sure there is a beautiful home waiting for these items. One where they will be put to use and one where they are loved and appreciated.

I know that letting go will be hard, but it must be done. What is really needed will stay and will be a useful part of my life. I will clean my house, I will disrupt the negative energy in a frenzy of movement and noise. Break it up and move it out, along with all the blockages and pain that they have caused. Then when it feels lighter and fresher and softer, I will invite in all the goodness that has been lacking in my life for so long.

A new chapter of my life begins now. Not tomorrow, not on the full moon, not on the new moon. NOW. I will clear my own personal energy and that of those who live in my house. We will become lighter and happier and prosperous and abundant. I will call on all the angels and all my guides to help guide me to the right action. I will trust that what I do is the right thing at the right time.

And, I will again, take another small step towards a new life.

Margaret ā¤

 

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One Step Up

So it seems the negativity of my writing of late has had an impact on me. When I read back what I write, I cry. Not for what I have written and what I have been through, I cry because IĀ  have released it. Without the writing that I do, all of this bad energy would still be stuck inside me and growing. It always feels much better to let it all out.

In the past I have always kept everything to myself. It didn’t matter what it was, I never let others know how I was feeling. This blog was my opportunity to express my fears, my pain and my negativity. It allowed me to work through it all as I wrote. I never expected anyone to read it, and if I did, then it would not have been as honest as it is.

Sharing what you feel and how you respond and react to what happens around you, is a very personal and humbling experience. It takes me down to my lowest and allows me to make space for the highest to enter. What I write helps me, and if it helps one other person on the planet then it is all worth it.

Last night after writing and posting I felt horrible. I felt the negativity of my energy and of my thoughts. I felt bad that I had unleashed it on the world. I felt bad that others had read it. It all contributed to even more negative energy and when I went to bed last night, it manifested as pain. An ache in every part of my body, and nothing I did helped until I took pain killers. Although I dislike taking anything, I felt I had no choice.

The pain killers allowed my body to relax and allowed me to sleep deeply and when I woke I felt much better. As I fell asleep I also visualized the bad energy and the pain lifting from my body.Ā  So today I am one step up from where I was yesterday.

Never, ever underestimate one step up. The miracle that if affords does more than anything else ever could. Although it may not look like it to those around me, I have changed overnight. That one little step up has lightened the load considerably. I am no longer rock bottom. I am no where near the top but I am one step closer to it.

Today I have decided that feeling sorry for myself will no longer do. Today I have decided that there is a future for me. Today I have decided to live. Today I will make new plans, chase new goals and ensure I do something, anything, everyday to make those plans my reality.

I know deep inside me there is something I can offer the world. My fear and negativity has blocked it for so long that finding it again may take some time. But, find it I will and this time do something with it. I have allowed my emotions to control my existence for so long that I always second guess everything. I make a choice that I know is right for me and then spend so much time thinking, is this right? Did I do the wrong thing? What if I made a mistake?

I need to learn to trust my intuition, to go with my first instincts. The second guessing is where it all falls apart. So listen, and act and go with your first thoughts. See how far you can take it and then and only then can you be sure. Deciding then second guessing without even trying is just a waste of time and leads to failure. If you don’t try you will never know and then will spend your life regretting it.

Yesterday I wrote that I had an idea, one that felt right for me. I also felt that it wasn’t time. Second guessing again. Today I am going to revisit that idea and take it that one step up and see where it leads me. I will take all my notes and put them into somewhat of an order. A base from which to expand and develop my idea into something concrete. I will get excited and I will use that excitement to push me to keep going.

And tomorrow, I will take another step up.

Margaret ā¤

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Notice Of Intent

Today I was thinking about my life. How everything has worked out to get me in the sometimes crappy space I am now in. It’s not all bad, mind you, but sometimes I wish I could swap with someone else.

So today I was thinking about what I don’t want my life to be like and suddenly I felt down. Thinking about all the things you don’t want in your life is depressing. So many people tell me to concentrate on what I want. Focus on the good stuff. I agree with them and then go merrily about my way thinking of all the stuff I want gone.

So today I felt better about things, so I decided that, yes, I am going to think about the life I want. And so, my notice of intent was born.

I wrote about how I live, I wrote about where I live. I wrote about my beautiful home, my wonderful work. I wrote about how happy I am to have this beautiful life and how everything has fallen into place. I expressed my gratitude that this or something better is my life. I signed it and dated it and put it in my pocket.

Under normal circumstances I would find the piece of paper in my pocket when I did the washing and would throw it out. Never allowing it a chance to grow and become my reality. But today was different. In order to do the work I would like to do, there are steps that need to be taken. I took one of those steps today, not a big one, but a step nonetheless.

As I sit here and read through this letter to myself, I smile and picture the reality of this intent. It is not an over the top dream of massive wealth and a mansion, it is my dream of doing the work I love. Helping people that request what I have to offer. Living a simple but beautiful life, full of love and abundance.

It is now up to me to keep taking those steps and visualising this as my life. There are parts of it that can be made real right now. There are parts that can fall into place quite easily, if I allow it. That is the hardest part in all of this, the allowing. Being able to receive and allow all that I dream of.

Today that first step was taken. Tomorrow and every day after that I will take another. Until one day I wake up and read through this note and understand that I am living that reality. I will not focus on the future nor the past, I will focus on the now. What can I do now that brings that reality a step closer?

Today is the first of many steps, and I look forward with gratitude to each day and each new step.

Margaret ā¤

 

 

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