Sitting outside this afternoon in the sun, I fell asleep. It was so warm and I gently drifted off. Not something I normally do but it just overtook me, until I felt my neck starting to ache, then I woke up. I spend most of my time inside, I never used to. When I was a teenager I would lay in the backyard on a towel when it was warm. Covered in coconut oil and tanning up slowly. I think I have been deathly white for the last 30 years.
On my days off when I was working I would stay inside. On the computer, doing housework and anything else that needed to be done. I had so many plans but never managed to get to them. I am not the type of person who can just sit still. I sit at the computer but I am doing way too many things at the same time. When I go to bed to watch tv, I have my phone, I have at least one book and I have a pen and exercise book, in case I want to write anything down. I cannot meditate, I get all restless. I need to be doing something. It has made me think about why everything is so quick. The days fly by, people want everything done yesterday, there is never enough time to do something for me.
When I actually thought about it, I realised that there is plenty of time. I waste so much time planning and never doing. I can sit for hours making plans and look up and the whole day has gone. I haven’t done anything I wanted to do and then get frustrated because there is not enough time. More action, less planning is called for.
When you actually sit back and look at how you do things, how you spend your time, how you plan. What actually fills your day is a lot of nothing. A lot of thinking and a lot of not doing. I am a first class procrastinator. If there is a way to stall I will find it, if there is an excuse to put something off, I have it. Funny you never notice things like this about yourself until you actually take the time to stop and look.
I find that I feel I am wasting time if I am not doing at least two things at once. I cannot even sit still for a movie anymore because I feel like I should be doing something more productive. When did I get so hard on myself? When did I decide that I am not important? When did I decide that taking care of me was a waste of time?
I am tired and up until now had no reason to be. I have been off work for over two months now and have no excuse to be tired. Although I am still healing, which is frustrating at the least and making me more angry than I care to admit. How did I allow my body to let me down, why didn’t I notice the warning signs, why didn’t I put myself first when I needed to? There has always been a sense of guilt over taking care of myself. Someone else has it worse than me, there are more important things to do than sitting down and resting. Why do I need to go to the doctors, I am only taking up the space of someone who is legitimately sick.
I gave in this week and got more pain killers. My legs are working fine, I was told to walk, so walk I did. Lots of walking and the walking was great for my legs, gave me some strength that I had sorely missed for so long. It also gave me sore ankles, swollen ankles, locked ankles and so much pain that I almost cried in the chemist waiting for some codeine to take away the pain. I don’t like to rely on pain killers, I don’t like to take medication period. I have no need to, so I thought, but at the moment it is what is keeping me sane and not so angry.
I keep all my pain to myself. The last 18 months have been such a ride for me. From a cancer diagnosis, to surgery to remove my insides because of it, only to find that there was nothing there all along. How I felt during this whole time, I have mainly kept to myself. Crying as I write this, as the emotions wash over me. I was scared but didn’t let it show, I knew I would be okay but you still have that little fear niggling away. The physical issues coming from all of it are dragging on. I should be back to being me. I should be running on the treadmill again, instead I have put on 14 kilos from hobbling around, eating sugar to comfort me and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So sitting in the sun today, was something that I would normally not do. I did have my phone with me, but put it down before I drifted off. I had no intentions of just sitting, but sit and drift I did. I think my legs got burned through my pants, but it was worth it. Just that 30 minutes or so of just doing nothing has made me re evaluate a few things. I am fed up with being unable to do what I used to do. I am angry that I let myself down. I am frustrated that everything I have done has not helped.
I need to change my attitude about my body and how I treat it. I need to change my busyness, I need to stop and just be at least once a day. I may need to put post it notes everywhere. Stop, take 5 minutes. Have you rested today? Time for a break. Changing your habits is something that takes time and energy and is, if successful, always for the best.
Time to let go and just be. Time to give myself permission to heal.No more don’t worry about me I’m fine. I’m not fine, I need to heal and now I want to heal and heal so I shall.