Tag Archives: Healing

One Step Forward Two Steps Back


Another week another conundrum to sort through. My financial situation improved a little finally in the last week, with a payment from my superannuation company. Income protection which I had never really thought about before has finally managed to come through. Now the problems begin. I am currently on a newstart payment from Centrelink. I have applied for a disability pension for which I finally have an appointment tomorrow. The superannuation company has also approved the total permanent disability claim but that does not necessarily mean that Centrelink will do the same.

While I do not know what will happen with the TPD claim, it has to go back to the superannuation company for final approval, the income protection payment causes another problem. As I have been on the newstart payment since late December, I will now owe them a debt for overpayment. At the same time they will owe me a debt for backpayment for the disability pension if and when it goes through. So to my mind they should both even each other out.

The problem is that neither company will make it that easy. I am worried that the stress that will now come will overshadow the last 6 months of stress, worry and fear. There will be a period of back and forth as each changes their payments to cover the over payment and what the other is paying me.

At this moment in time I would give anything to have my health and my independence back. Having to rely on a government payment for the last 5 months, that didn’t even cover my rent, has severely eroded my confidence and my ability to see a future. I cannot support myself now and the chances of being employed are very low. I doubt there is a company out there that will employ someone with an incurable disease that has health issues that do not stand up to a full days work.

My life as of now consists of constant pain, an ever evolving array of drugs that do little to help my condition and do even more damage to other organs in my body. Without the drugs at the moment I cannot move, with them I am destroying other parts of my body that will lead to an ongoing cycle of disease and pain with no hope in sight.

There has to be a better way. I had an appointment with the Infectious disease people at the local hospital who wanted me to go on more drugs for 9 months because of the chance of the drugs I am on and others further down the line activating another disease. If I take them I am doing more damage to my body if I don’t I risk another disease. It is a no win situation. I decided against the 9 months of drugs because I do not see the point in stopping one thing while activating another.

So I have been doing a lot of my own research into rheumatoid arthritis and its causes and the drugs that I am currently on and those that the doctors assume I will take later on. I have decided that a more natural way is the way to go. With the doctors I have no chance of a cure only containment and so in order to rid myself of this horrible disease I am going to take matters into my own hands.

While I research and adapt myself and my diet to work towards a better outcome I will still take the tablets I am on, but no more than that. I have already decided that I will not take them beyond the end of this year. The pain of this disease is undeniably horrible but it is much better than the odds of the chemicals I now take causing cancer and liver damage.

I am convinced that my diet, or rather lack of healthy eating over the years has along with a case of glandular fever in the early nineties has been a basis for what now ails me. Glandular fever is an infection caused by the epstein barr virus. A nasty virus that from my research continues to live on in your body long after you assume it has gone.

This may sit in your body and do no harm for the rest of your life but can be retriggered again with a lot of stress and anxiety. The pain of rheumatoid arthritis started for me during a time almost 2 years ago when I was diagnosed with a possible cancer of the cervix, uterus or ovaries. The stress and fear that I went through over almost 6 months of testing and surgeries did a lot to undermine my emotional wellbeing. In the end it was discovered after a full hysterectomy that there was never any cancer in the first place and it was just a pathology mistake.

Not long after the final surgery the pain began, slowly at first, one hip then my feet and onwards until my whole body was in constant pain. I made the assumption that it was sciatica and did not seek any treatment other than chiropractic and osteopathic. Neither of which eased my pain. After living on codeine for 9 months and finally being told by my employer to go home and not come back until I was 100% healthy, did I finally decide that I needed to sort this out.

There was some sort of relief after the diagnosis of RA was returned but still left me with not much of a life to speak of, only pain and stress and anxiety. I am firmly convinced that this all triggered the virus to begin its destruction of my health again. So in the simple language of one not trained in medicine, in order to rid myself of my health problems the epstein barr virus must be dealt with first.

As my digestive system begins to work more efficiently my body will respond with more and more healing. Because of the drugs I am currently on, which supress the immune system, my body cannot help itself as efficiently as it normally could. So my first step is to heal my digestive system and focus on only filling my body with that which is good for it.

No more processed foods, only healthy fruits and vegetables to cleanse and clear my system, in order to allow it to fight the virus that is trying to destroy me. From my research so far it does not seem that there is a lot of medical people who will agree. If it cannot be fixed by pill or surgery then they deny that it can be cured. So alternative methods are becoming much more interesting and informative.

I started reading books by Anthony William, the Medical Medium. The more I read the more I sat there nodding my head. It made so much more sense than anything else I had found. So tomorrow will be day one of the protocol he suggests to clear my body and begin to heal. This is not just any diet, this is for me, the difference between life and death. I have no wish to live this way any longer and so I will begin a new life with the expectation of less toxic drugs and a more healthful existence.

Margaret ❤

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Floating In Silence

This has been a week of limitations and motivation. I have had the urge to do so much over the last two weeks yet there has been no energy. I have finished the course of steroid tablets I have been on for the last six weeks and am now only taking one methotrexate tablet a week until I see the rheumatologist next week.

The steroids had given me a false sense of healing and when they stopped the pain was once again allowed to be picked up by my brain. So I have spent the week limping, staggering and hurting intensely. It seems the steroids do nothing but block the pain from my brain and the methotrexate as far as I can tell has done nothing.

So this week I tried something new. For christmas from my son and daughter in law I received a 3 pass float tank voucher. This week I finally felt up to trying it out. What I expected and what I experienced were two completely different things.

I had been so looking forward to the sensation of no gravity, or just floating and not having to concentrate on holding my body in a certain position. I cannot float in normal water, for some reason my feet and legs just sink so I didn’t hold out too much hope of floating in the tank.

I found that it was impossible to sink. As I got into the tank I tried desperately to get myself into position without causing pain and all my legs and feet wanted to do was float. It was not a graceful process getting into the tank and getting into position. It would have made a very funny video.

There was music for the first ten minutes then that faded, I had turned the lights out and just relaxed. I tried breathing through my nose but with ear plugs in you hear everything. My nose has been a little blocked lately so all I could hear was whistling. So I focused on breathing through my mouth.

The water is body temperature and is very pleasant, you float very easily and as I lay there I thought about what the outcome of the session might be and what i hoped to achieve while in there. The feeling of weightlessness was one I was so looking forward to but did not get. I know I am overweight, comfort eating and medication and not being able to exercise has made sure of that, but I still thought that I would feel less than I did.

I felt like I was shrugging my shoulders, they were very sore when I went into the tank and even worse when I got out. I even had pain in my butt, it felt as though it was sinking but wasn’t. I am not sure if it was coming from the pain in my hips but it felt very heavy. That combined with my very sore shoulders led me to not being able to relax as I had hoped.

I had read that the time goes very quickly but the longer I floated the more I wanted the music to come back on so it was finished. This is entirely because of the pain I was in, including my elbows which would not straighten out when I had finished. The music finally came back on and I was quite glad to get out, which was even less graceful than getting in.

A quick shower to wash out all the epsom salts and I was done. When I got to the car I felt more relaxed. I know if I had not been in so much pain beforehand then I would have experienced it differently. My body felt less heavy and I felt very tired. The next morning I was back in hell. The pain had come back fully and it was methotrexate day. Which means nothing else for the day. No pain killers.

I am assuming that some of the feeling I had was a detoxification from the epsom salts and that is a good thing. But, I have never been so glad to have my paracetamol on thursday morning, as I was today. It does not stop the pain but it takes a little of the edge off it and allows me to function at least a little.

I will book myself in for another float in the next week or so, after I see the specialist and hopefully get some medication that works. With a little less pain I think I could probably feel a bit more relaxed in the tank. I may even leave the lights on for a bit next time, and see if the cycling through the chakra colors makes a difference.

I am thinking that by the third float I will be much more relaxed and knowing what to expect then I may have a much more meditative experience. I envisioned epiphanies and that doesn’t happen when you are restless. I doubt the stress I am under at the moment is helping but I wanted to come out of the tank in a new frame of mind, ready to take on the challenges that await and I didn’t.

Next time I will know what to expect and make sure I have some sort of pain killers before hand so that I am not concentrating on the pain while I am in there. It was an experience though, that I have never had before and I had put it off for quite a while. I am looking forward to going again and comparing the experience.

Has anyone tried this before? What were your experiences? Would you do it again? Did you expect too much like I did? I would really like to know if my experience was normal. I do tend to expect too much of myself and of the people around me. So when I do something that has been hyped up as amazing, I expect it to be amazing. I don’t want to lower my expectations, I would much prefer them to be exceeded.

Margaret ❤

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Bye Bye 2016

The end is nigh! 2016 is about to finish!! I have never, in my entire life, been so happy to see the end of a year. 2016 without doubt has been the worst ever for me. So as I kick it up the butt and so far back in my memories and mind, I feel it is fitting for one last whinge 🙂

From pain, to bullying, to betrayal to a complete lack of support from those I thought cared, 2016 has thrown everything at me. Stupidly I thought because it is so close to the end, that I would be safe from more. Alas I was wrong.

The night before last I was out walking with my son. It had rained so hard and so heavy that day, there were many areas that had flooded. With flooding comes the inevitable mud, and stones washed onto roads and footpaths. As I walked along, not taking much notice, I walked into some mud. It was dark I didn’t see it. Next minute my right leg slips and flies up. The next I am flat on my back with my left leg bent underneath me.

I remember the slip, I don’t remember the fall. I didn’t hit my head and I didn’t break anything. I landed on my back but don’t remember any pain associated with it at all. I didn’t drop my car keys, I didn’t drop my phone. I sort of just lay there thinking “how did I get down here” My son helped me up and I checked to make sure I was okay. I was covered in mud, wet, and my knee started throbbing and my foot and ankle decided that now was the time to let me know they hurt.

At home, I showered off the mud, put ice on my knee and checked my foot out. Today my knee is bruised and there is a cut, I was on a brick footpath. It is still swollen a little but doesn’t hurt so much now. My foot is still swollen but the pain has eased a lot there as well.

So having thought I was going to survive this year, it reminded me painfully that it was not through with me just yet. Now with less than 6 hours left of this year from hell, I sit here and write to let it all out of my system. I am ready and waiting for my fairy godmother to flip the switch at exactly midnight and transport me into a new world, a new life and a new cycle.

I have written before of my plans for the new year, and while they sit comfortably in my mind at the moment, they will not be released to grow until the strike of midnight. At that time 2016 will be sent packing, out of my mind and my memories as much as is possible.

There have been lessons, and those I will not forget. Most have been painful and shook me to my core. They have allowed me to alter my thinking, my expectations and my goals and dreams. While I intend to push this year away, I know that the lessons I have learned will be remembered as a turning point in my life, and one day I may even be thankful for what this year has done for me.

So wave goodbye to this year, knowing that although it has been very hard for a lot of us, we will eventually be thankful for what it has brought us. Our gratitude for the lessons learned, the changes that they force us to make and the sadness and pain that ultimately leads to new life, will all be remembered and may even turn out to be the best year of our lives.

Look forward to the new cycle that begins, the dreams and goals you will now be able to achieve and the dawn of a new era in your life. Dream big and aim high. You deserve more than you know and more than you think you do. Raise your glass at midnight and thank the stars that you got through this year and as a result are much stronger and more able to live your life authentically.

Happy New Year.

Margaret ❤

 

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Letting Go Of The Past

Another Christmas has come and gone and while for me it would have to have been the worst one ever, I hope that everyone else has had a beautiful time with family and friends.

I spent the morning alone thinking about what has happened in my life over the last two years. While a lot has been just horrible, a lot has been a blessing. I thought about the lessons I had learned and the light within the dark times and what I am grateful for.

I learned that the work colleagues I spent the most time with over the last ten years were not as they appeared. It may have taken me a very long time, but I finally see the truth of who they were. What I did, I did because I cared, about my job, about the business. What was never returned was loyalty and support. The bullying, the abuse and just the lack of respect hit me hard and when I was at my lowest they hit me even harder. But I learned that I trust too much.

Now, anyone I come into contact with will have to earn my trust, it will not be given so easily. I will never again allow someone to make me feel less than, to make me feel as though I am not good enough, not working hard enough. There will be a distinct separation between my work life and my private life. There will be no socializing with employers and employees. There will be no speaking of personal matters. I will be professional and keep to myself.

At first I blamed myself, that I allowed it to happen. I did allow it, but it was not my fault. I did not ask to be used abused and bullied. The lesson I have learned is to be able to see what happened and ensure that it never again happens. There will be a wall placed and only those who earn my trust will be allowed behind that wall. It will not under any circumstances include work colleagues. That special place in my heart is reserved for family and friends that stand by me, no matter what.

I finally let go of my old job. I ran the Facebook page, I deleted myself as admin and unliked the page. I removed all those in my phone contacts connected with it. I threw out my uniform and unfriended the boss. It felt like a release, the last step in letting go of ten years of my life that had highs and many lows. Now it is all released and this writing finishes it.

Ultimately I do understand that the wall I place will come down. As I grow stronger and learn to protect myself and put in place guidelines for interaction with other people, then the walls will come down. I know eventually I will have the strength to again trust, but it will take time.

I also learned that I am not as strong as I thought. But, in understanding that my strength returned and gave me the reason to keep going. I am going to the Doctors again this week to find out once and for all what is causing the pain I still feel constantly, day by day. In order to move forward fully I have to release whatever is keeping that pain close. I know I will uncover it and when I do, nothing will stop me from living the life I have longed for.

I learned that I now have the freedom to do what I have always wanted to do. I have blocked it for so long that it took a major reorganization of my life for it to come about. Although it has not been pleasant, it was needed. It has been the only way for me to actually take notice of what life had intended for me. When you ignore the signs, life has a way of kicking your butt onto the right path.

This last week of 2016 will be spent releasing as much baggage, physical, mental and emotional as I can. So then as 2017 begins I will be ready to take on the challenges of beginning that new life. I am looking forward to starting afresh. One part of my life has now ended and the new awaits. As much as I have been fearful over the last few months, there is also an excitement. Wondering what to expect, what is coming and where I will be at the end of 2017.

I have plans for the new year. From expanding my blog and writing more, to creating a course and book on potential. Which I will be living as I write. To creating an email list, a new Facebook group and page, as well as expanding my Crystal Path To Spirit page. I have had this page for over three years now and have not as yet done much with it. I intend to change that in 2017.

I am aiming to direct my life towards where I want to be, not where others choose to push me. I intend to manage my life my way, to take control and push myself to achieve all that I have dreamed of. My health, my finances and my work will all come under scrutiny in the new year. All is due for change and all must change in order to not repeat the last 9 year cycle. This new cycle is one that I have longed for, one that has been inching closer and closer with every dream shattered, every ache and pain and every thought of failure.

As I release 2016 and let the past retreat, I expect and welcome new opportunity, new goals, new challenges and new life. I have lived the same way for so long, and now that is obsolete. The new beckons and with it inspiration and hope.

Onward to a new era, I stand at the precipice of a brand new life, and welcome it with open arms.

Margaret ❤

 

 

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Towards The Years End

So it seems Christmas is upon us. Such a beautiful time of the year for many but this year like so many others I am struggling. For the first time in my 56 years I am bypassing Christmas. Things have not worked out the way I assumed they would this year. It has been a very tough and challenging year to say the least.

I know there is a lesson in here somewhere, but at the moment I am struggling to see it. For many of us, this year, a universal 9 year has been one of struggle, oppression, pain, anger and endings. To say that many of us are looking forward to a new start next year, is an understatement.

I have let go of so much this year and allowed some to slip from my fingers. I know it is all for the best, but sometimes it is hard to see the blessing amongst it all. Eventually it will all settle down, and as the new universal 1 year brings in fresh energy, we will all rise above our problems and begin to make the changes and alterations needed to make the next 9 year cycle one of love, peace and abundance.

Getting to that beginning though will be a hard journey, even though it is only a few more days, it is going to be the longest time of the year. Surrounded by negative energy and feelings of helplessness only brings it down even further. No matter how many people tell me to have faith and things will work out, they are not the ones wondering how they will pay their rent or what have I got in my house that I can sell to pay the bills. It is hard to see the sunshine when you are among the storm clouds.

Faith is something that I am trying so very hard to have but everyday something else happens that hits me fair and square in the face and lets me know in no uncertain way, that nope not finished with you yet.

I am one of those people who always leave important things to the last minute. My faith allowed me to be able to wait and I had an unwavering knowledge that it would all be okay and it was. This time however there are more lessons to learn and my last minute has come and gone, with no rescue in sight.

The more faith I have the better I feel, and my body responds by feeling better. When I am too stressed however, then the pain comes back in a different part of my body. Currently my middle back. It seems too hard and painful to take a deep breath, so I move about gingerly trying to get it all to relax. The other day it was my arm. I moved something I shouldn’t have and ended up with pain so severe that I almost called an ambulance.

The connection between pain and thoughts and feelings and my energy is very clear. In order to release myself permanently of this pain, I have to release all the negativity and stress that is currently running my life. So stuck between a rock and a hard place, I have no idea which way to go. To release the stress and worry requires money at the least, a job at best.

It’s funny, I am in a group on Facebook all about manifesting. I read the stories of people who miraculously have what they need come to them just in the nick of time and wonder what am I doing wrong, because it doesn’t work for me. Some have money just appear for them on the ground in front of them, some have cheques arrive unexpectedly in the mail. Tried the cheque thing, didn’t work. At least no bills have arrived though. I go for a walk to help my leg heal more and cannot even find five cents on the path.

Maybe I am allergic to money?

The common theme for all those who have manifested their rescue package is the same, have faith and what you need will appear. What if it doesn’t?, and I know it doesn’t for a lot of people. There are people in my area living in their cars because either deep down they only expect to be able to have that or because it is a part of their journey in this lifetime. I have even decided that I must be cursed in some way, or the universe is playing a big joke on me. Let her get so close to succeeding then we will pull the chair out from under her again. That is so much fun….not!

In the end, I do not know how it will happen but I know it will happen. Things will work out, they always do, it’s just taking a little longer this time. All the signs are around me for success and prosperity and abundance, I am just not seeing them clearly or pushing them away.

I know what happens outside of me is caused by what happens within me. All this is teaching me a huge lesson in accepting help. Something which is very hard for me to do. I have always been the one to help, regardless of whether I could afford the time or money to do so. Now I am in the position of having to ask for help and it is very unsettling, a very strange and odd feeling. I am having a hard time accepting it, but until I do then this lesson will not end.

I will make the best of Christmas this year and plan on making next Christmas one to remember. As long as I see my boys and my parents, then Christmas is a success. This year will be one of who is there rather than who got what.

As this year closes out, remember to send out positive energy. There are many of us who need that little boost just to remind us we are loved and needed. There are many all over the world who have absolutely nothing and no way to change that. While I and others may lament our own failures and lack, putting it all into context with the entire planet shows me that I am abundant, I am loved and I am successful.

Margaret ❤

 

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Dealing With The Shadows

Today I got angry with myself.

Angry because I allowed people to walk all over me. Angry because I didn’t stop it. Angry because I didn’t see it. Angry because I allowed it all to make me feel less than. Angry because I let it sap my strength, and angry because I let it push me back to where I was a long time ago.

My throat tightened up, and I could feel the tears trying to emerge. The more I tried to stop them the more my throat closed over. I yelled at myself…. in my head, I didn’t want to scare the neighbors 🙂

Now I have calmed down, but during it I thought of everything that has happened over the last four years or so. We moved house, our rabbit died, our cat died. My hours at my old job were cut on a regular basis, not because I was not working enough, but because there were no customers. My son’s hours got cut, then there was the pathologist who told me I had cancer. I didn’t. Surgery to remove the parts of me that did not need to be removed. Then the pain from Sciatica and overworked muscles, the limping, the hobbling. The pain killers and eventually having no choice but to resign from my job. I was no longer needed, no point me being there if I couldn’t do the work, I was told. They were just wasting money having me there, I was told. Go home and don’t come back until you are 100%, I was told.

Thanks for the support!

Chatting with a friend this afternoon, we talked about the energy around us. Both of us have had a very trying year. The one thing she had done and I had not, was to clear the energy of my home. It was so simple, yet I had not thought to do it. Everything that has happened in this house has added layer upon layer of negative and depressing energy. To the point were it doesn’t feel like home anymore.

This morning my card of the day on my Facebook page was “Death”. Perfectly fitting for the day I have had. This cycle has to end, whether it be by natural means or by me deciding and enough is enough and stopping the rot in its tracks.

A new beginning is what is, and has been needed for such a long time. I have the opportunity now to make those changes. To start afresh, and the first thing I will be doing will be to start to remove the layers of horrible energy within my house and allow it to become a home again.

It is time to release all around me that no longer fits with my life. All that is no longer useful, and all that is blocking me from living a happy, abundant life. Most of my “stuff”, is second hand. It carries with it, the energies of those who it belonged to before. Who knows how many people owned “my stuff”! All their energies building up and up until each item no longer resembles the spirit in which it was designed and made.

Time to let it all go. I have to admit I am a bit of a hoarder. I keep things because they may become useful one day. One day has never ever arrived and probably never will. So out they must go. I am sure there is a beautiful home waiting for these items. One where they will be put to use and one where they are loved and appreciated.

I know that letting go will be hard, but it must be done. What is really needed will stay and will be a useful part of my life. I will clean my house, I will disrupt the negative energy in a frenzy of movement and noise. Break it up and move it out, along with all the blockages and pain that they have caused. Then when it feels lighter and fresher and softer, I will invite in all the goodness that has been lacking in my life for so long.

A new chapter of my life begins now. Not tomorrow, not on the full moon, not on the new moon. NOW. I will clear my own personal energy and that of those who live in my house. We will become lighter and happier and prosperous and abundant. I will call on all the angels and all my guides to help guide me to the right action. I will trust that what I do is the right thing at the right time.

And, I will again, take another small step towards a new life.

Margaret ❤

 

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A Little Forward Movement

Another day, another step forward. Last night I made some plans and took that first hesitant step forward. I am going to write my book, and the course that will accompany it. The plans for a Facebook page and closed group for students also took shape. A website will follow and link all together into one comprehensive plan.

The excitement I feel as I make these plans stimulates even more ideas and goals. I know this is the right thing for me to do and how I feel about it shows that. The content currently is a large amount of notes and writings that will eventually be turned into a coherent and flowing body of work. The temptation now is for me to get stuck in the details. Something that has plagued me in the past. The ideas I have get lost within the goals and plans and are forgotten in the frenzy of planning.

This time however, I have taken it all a little further than before and my focus will be more on the content than the plans. Getting started on organizing the writings I have already done will be the next biggest step. As I know that once I pass that first hurdle things will fall into place much more easily and the content will flow rapidly.

I still need to find work though. As much as I would love to devote all my time and energy to this new project, I know that it will not pay the bills that are due in the next week. What all this planning, excitement and movement has done is to raise my personal energy and vibration. A renewed sense of purpose is almost a miracle in itself. Especially after the negativity of the week just gone.

So now armed with a plan and a dream, more energy and less pain, I also am ready for an opportunity for work to come to me. Instead of manifesting jobs that are so far out of my reach, this week I intend to manifest the right jobs and the right opportunities for me. I am ready to work again, I am ready to put my mind to use and ready to take control of my life and future again.

One more little step on the path to recovery and usefulness again. A little elevation of the worthiness factor and a little more emotional connectivity to the world around me. I have opened the door a crack, and am peering through. Trepidation and fear still surround me but, not as much as before. Now that I have opened the door, that next step through it becomes a little easier.

Plans have been made but there is no pressure to do it all at once. Little by little I am returning to the world as a participant rather than an observer and it feels good. For too long I have stood back and watched as those around me moved forward and achieved their goals. Now it is my turn, I am ready, willing and able.

Big deep breath and ready for the next step.

Margaret ❤

 

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