Tag Archives: health

Lessons On The Path

Another day another doctors appointment. This being ill is exhausting work. So much easier to be healthy and fit. Between doctor’s appointments, chemist visits, and reading up on the new drug they want me to take, I feel like I have run a marathon.

It’s so very easy to take your health for granted. When you are ill it seems like a never ending road. My rheumatoid arthritis is not improving as I had hoped, my medication is not reducing the inflammation as it should. So, now onto a new drug, another one that is supposed to reduce inflammation and lessen the possibility of damage.

I am developing a powerful dislike to the chemicals that they wish to bombard my body with. I started with one problem and the medication for it causes other problems which then need another medication to counteract that problem. It feels like a never ending cycle of more and more drugs.

This new medication is for at least the next two months, at which time the specialist would like to put me onto a biological medication. The thought of this scares the life out of me. In order to have this medication I now need to have a vaccine for shingles, because this new biological drug can cause chicken pox!!

It seems pointless to keep giving drugs that cause other major problems and then have to take yet another to fix it. I already take two different types of medication and the third starts in the morning. Unless I can get this disease under some sort of control, then the fourth will become needed in a few months time.

I feel like I am going around in circles. Any wonder I have always stayed away from doctors unless it was absolutely necessary. I am having doubts that all this is the way I should be handling this disease. Yes, without the medication I cannot move but there must be a better way.

My new goal now is to make sure that I do not need the biological drug and to find a more natural way to deal with the damage being done to my body. I know my body is capable of repairing itself, I have faith that the natural way is the best and most effective. Yet still I hesitate and procrastinate. The drugs I currently take are stopping my body’s natural repair functions from activating.

There are also other considerations, financial and well as emotional to take into consideration. Yes it is easier to take the medication and just get on with life, but even this is affected by my emotional and mental state. Do I take what I am told to take and cover up the real enemy destroying my body, or do I dig deeper and discover the answers that are just below the surface.

I have spent years reading spiritual literature, trying different things to see what fits and what doesn’t. I know the answers are inside me, I know I need to find them and deal with them. I know what I have to do, yet I sit and wait for someone to come and do it for me. Procrastination and fear have kept me from following any and all of my dreams.

Now this disease is here to shake me up and get me to do what I have waited to do for my entire life. Will I wait longer or will I take up the challenge and do what needs to be done? I always remember my paternal grandmother having this disease. I never understood it, I was too young to know how she really felt. All I remember is not wanting to end up just like her, and guess what, here I am all these years later, just like her.

I have the advantage of knowing that I did indeed draw it to myself in my efforts to push it away. I have a much more sympathetic understanding of this woman who seemed distant to her own children and grandchildren. The pain that she must have felt, mirrors my own. Whether or not she let others know how she felt, I do not know but I have tried to keep it more to myself rather than explain it all.

While I am surrounded by those with a little pain that they turn into something huge, I have sat back and let them say, you only have a bit of arthritis, nothing like what I have. If only they understood what this disease is and what it does and how it affects the body, then maybe I would be more open about it.

For now I have my goals, reaching them is something that I will have to focus on with a strength that I have not yet found. Pushing myself to be more than I have ever been and to take the chances that appear no matter how fearful I become is something that I need to find. I know it is there I just need to reach in and dig it out.

My procrastination is so deeply entrenched that I face a huge battle, but my independence, my mental state, my emotions and indeed my entire life, rest upon this journey. To become all I can be and to overcome the blockages that I myself have put before me is the ultimate goal. Health, wealth and happiness will then be the byproduct.

Don’t let things get you down, don’t allow the negativity to take a foothold. Don’t allow yourself to get to the point where you regret not doing anything earlier. Sweep it all away with love, joy and a happy heart and soul. I know I can do it, and I know you can too.

Margaret ❤

 

 

 

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Rejecting The Rejection

Over my years on Facebook I have met a lot of wonderful people. A lot have come into my life and a lot have left. At first I got upset when I felt I had been abandoned, but now I have come to understand the difference in being rejected and just moving on.

People come into your life for various reasons, some for a short time, some forever. That’s the way life goes. You learn a lesson or two and move onto the next part of your life story.

I have learned a lot about myself over the last year or two. Dealing with financial issues, health issues and general upheaval that goes on in everyone’s life. Most people take you at face value, what they see is what they assume, but we are much deeper than that and most people don’t see the truth of the person beyond their physical being.

I know I look fine, overweight yes but nothing physical stands out, yet beneath the surface an insidious disease is eating away at my joints and my bones. The damage may not be seen outwardly for years, yet I feel every excruciating pain of each joint. The treatment itself causes even more damage to other parts of my body that are not connected with the disease itself. Yet for now I have no choice in how I treat this.

The same thing occurs with friendships, romances and relationships of all kinds. What you see in front of you does not always show the truth beneath. People keep their deepest emotions to themselves and rarely do we get a glimpse of just how they feel or what they think.

To outsiders things may look wonderful but deep inside something that starts off small and insignificant grows and grows until everything falls apart and shocks everyone with what they think is the speed of it all. Unless you allow those small seeds of discomfort an escape then it will build and build until they have no other recourse than an emotional explosion.

I have taken a step back and watched myself do this very thing. I have always taken everything that happens around me very personally, but these last 12 months I have been able to almost step outside my body and watch my actions and reactions.

The way I judge myself and others has been a standout lately. The times I have taken, so very personally, something that had nothing to do with me has opened my eyes to the way my personality operates.

It causes upset, disappointment, anger and even fear. All contributing to even more health problems, when really I should just back away. Do what I need to do, mind my own business and let it all work out accordingly.

The same with my journey through Facebook. As people grow and expand their dreams, desire and objectives change. They become different to what you yourself are trying to achieve. The more people around me that changed and moved on the more I thought there was something wrong with me. Now I know and understand that it is all just progression. We all expand and develop at different paces, depending upon our goals.

With some I am left behind, with others I move quickly forward. It does not mean that these relationships have to end, but they do change. This I am discovering is a good thing. In order to develop we need to have new options, new quests and a new way of relating.

Take a step back, look at how you respond or react to what others around you are doing. Look at your emotional responses and choose what is right for you in this moment. If others move on from you then that leaves a space for someone new to arrive. Someone who might have the experience or the actions that help you move into the next part of your life.

Be happy for the relationships that come and go. Be grateful for the illness that forces you to re evaluate. Remember the experiences that brought joy into your life and those that caused pain and most of all celebrate that you had that experience in the first place. For without it you would not be who you are today. There is always something deeper than what appears to be, there is always purpose, there is always growth.

Not everyone has an ulterior motive, not everyone hates you or likes you, but everyone and everything  that comes your way has a purpose. It is up to you to understand that purpose, deal with it and use it to become more of who you really are.

My illness and the people who have joined me on my journey all have shown me the way. It is now up to me to understand it, deal with it and follow it up with decisive action, in order to grow. Can you see the same for your life?

Margaret ❤

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Facing The Truth

It has been over a month since I have sat down to write and still I am not sure what I can write about. The last few months have become so dreamlike as I work to keep myself in reality. The time has flown by so quickly. I almost feel like I have taken a holiday from the real world.

Even sitting here now I do not feel totally here. This disease and the financial and medical issues that go along with it have taken its toll. I go through days of wishing to have my old life back, which is not an option nor is it one that truthfully I want, to trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life.

The old life was a job I grew to dislike intensely and so this disease whilst painful and limiting also served to push me from the comfort of that unwanted life. Although we say we want change, we want the new, it is still a very hard job trying to get yourself to take that step. The fear that goes along with the new can sometimes keep us trapped in situations we no longer want but leave us frozen in a space that feels comfortable.

While I did desire a new beginning and a new life I could not take that step out of fear of failure, fear of not having enough money, even fear of what a new life would bring me. In the end because I could not take that step myself, the choice was taken away from me. I was forced into a new way of being, which was painful on so many levels.

Now I face a future where nothing is guaranteed. I feel like a teenager about to leave school and wondering what do I want to be, what do I want to achieve in this lifetime. I have pondered these thoughts constantly over the past few weeks and although ideas pop into my head, none of them seem to be achievable at the moment.

I struggle daily with the lack of independence, with the lack of choice and with the problems of a body that is not able to be and do what my mind knows is possible. The intention of doing some housework or something creative or even go for a walk is destroyed by the fact that my body is not capable of it. To go from being independent and able and in control to fatigue, constant pain and the anger that comes with it, is stressful and soul destroying.

I know there is something out there for me to do, I just need to find it. When I do I know that the sense of purpose will return and my life will once again have meaning. Until then I try to defeat the negative thoughts and try to stay as positive as possible.

My withdrawal from the world and the reality around me is serving to at least allow me to think a little more clearly than I have over the last year. As things fall into place around me and I understand what my life now is, I begin to come to terms with it. Once I have control of my thoughts and feelings then my life’s purpose will appear and I will embrace the meaning and lesson of this disease and its role in bringing the changes that were so desperately needed.

I will eventually give thanks for this time in my life as the catalyst to a new and beautiful time. Remember to always be careful with your thoughts and words. If you cannot take the steps to go after what you want, that choice will be taken out of your hands. You will get what you want but it may be in a completely different way to what you envision.

Margaret ❤

 

 

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One Step Forward Two Steps Back


Another week another conundrum to sort through. My financial situation improved a little finally in the last week, with a payment from my superannuation company. Income protection which I had never really thought about before has finally managed to come through. Now the problems begin. I am currently on a newstart payment from Centrelink. I have applied for a disability pension for which I finally have an appointment tomorrow. The superannuation company has also approved the total permanent disability claim but that does not necessarily mean that Centrelink will do the same.

While I do not know what will happen with the TPD claim, it has to go back to the superannuation company for final approval, the income protection payment causes another problem. As I have been on the newstart payment since late December, I will now owe them a debt for overpayment. At the same time they will owe me a debt for backpayment for the disability pension if and when it goes through. So to my mind they should both even each other out.

The problem is that neither company will make it that easy. I am worried that the stress that will now come will overshadow the last 6 months of stress, worry and fear. There will be a period of back and forth as each changes their payments to cover the over payment and what the other is paying me.

At this moment in time I would give anything to have my health and my independence back. Having to rely on a government payment for the last 5 months, that didn’t even cover my rent, has severely eroded my confidence and my ability to see a future. I cannot support myself now and the chances of being employed are very low. I doubt there is a company out there that will employ someone with an incurable disease that has health issues that do not stand up to a full days work.

My life as of now consists of constant pain, an ever evolving array of drugs that do little to help my condition and do even more damage to other organs in my body. Without the drugs at the moment I cannot move, with them I am destroying other parts of my body that will lead to an ongoing cycle of disease and pain with no hope in sight.

There has to be a better way. I had an appointment with the Infectious disease people at the local hospital who wanted me to go on more drugs for 9 months because of the chance of the drugs I am on and others further down the line activating another disease. If I take them I am doing more damage to my body if I don’t I risk another disease. It is a no win situation. I decided against the 9 months of drugs because I do not see the point in stopping one thing while activating another.

So I have been doing a lot of my own research into rheumatoid arthritis and its causes and the drugs that I am currently on and those that the doctors assume I will take later on. I have decided that a more natural way is the way to go. With the doctors I have no chance of a cure only containment and so in order to rid myself of this horrible disease I am going to take matters into my own hands.

While I research and adapt myself and my diet to work towards a better outcome I will still take the tablets I am on, but no more than that. I have already decided that I will not take them beyond the end of this year. The pain of this disease is undeniably horrible but it is much better than the odds of the chemicals I now take causing cancer and liver damage.

I am convinced that my diet, or rather lack of healthy eating over the years has along with a case of glandular fever in the early nineties has been a basis for what now ails me. Glandular fever is an infection caused by the epstein barr virus. A nasty virus that from my research continues to live on in your body long after you assume it has gone.

This may sit in your body and do no harm for the rest of your life but can be retriggered again with a lot of stress and anxiety. The pain of rheumatoid arthritis started for me during a time almost 2 years ago when I was diagnosed with a possible cancer of the cervix, uterus or ovaries. The stress and fear that I went through over almost 6 months of testing and surgeries did a lot to undermine my emotional wellbeing. In the end it was discovered after a full hysterectomy that there was never any cancer in the first place and it was just a pathology mistake.

Not long after the final surgery the pain began, slowly at first, one hip then my feet and onwards until my whole body was in constant pain. I made the assumption that it was sciatica and did not seek any treatment other than chiropractic and osteopathic. Neither of which eased my pain. After living on codeine for 9 months and finally being told by my employer to go home and not come back until I was 100% healthy, did I finally decide that I needed to sort this out.

There was some sort of relief after the diagnosis of RA was returned but still left me with not much of a life to speak of, only pain and stress and anxiety. I am firmly convinced that this all triggered the virus to begin its destruction of my health again. So in the simple language of one not trained in medicine, in order to rid myself of my health problems the epstein barr virus must be dealt with first.

As my digestive system begins to work more efficiently my body will respond with more and more healing. Because of the drugs I am currently on, which supress the immune system, my body cannot help itself as efficiently as it normally could. So my first step is to heal my digestive system and focus on only filling my body with that which is good for it.

No more processed foods, only healthy fruits and vegetables to cleanse and clear my system, in order to allow it to fight the virus that is trying to destroy me. From my research so far it does not seem that there is a lot of medical people who will agree. If it cannot be fixed by pill or surgery then they deny that it can be cured. So alternative methods are becoming much more interesting and informative.

I started reading books by Anthony William, the Medical Medium. The more I read the more I sat there nodding my head. It made so much more sense than anything else I had found. So tomorrow will be day one of the protocol he suggests to clear my body and begin to heal. This is not just any diet, this is for me, the difference between life and death. I have no wish to live this way any longer and so I will begin a new life with the expectation of less toxic drugs and a more healthful existence.

Margaret ❤

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