Tag Archives: lessons

Stirring From The Slumber.

Well it has been another month since I have sat down to write. It seems that the months of this year are flying by so quickly. I have spent the last month or so trying to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Everything up until the last year or two was heading in a certain direction and now I don’t feel the same excitement or anticipation in that path. Things have most certainly changed in my life and now I have the opportunity, within reason, to do anything I want. The problem is that I now have no direction. Things pop into my mind and I feel that it is a good option, only for it to disappear quickly and days go by before I remember that I had a plan.

It seems that the plan for my life is still hidden behind a wall, one that I have not been able to penetrate yet. I understand the wall is of my own making and yet I cannot seem to see beyond that blankness in front of me. As I sit to write I contemplate what has happened in my life over the past few months and still have difficulty in writing about it all.

The financial stresses for the most part have eased and now I find myself trying to focus on the future with apprehension. My health dictates what I can and cannot do at the moment and that weighs heavily on my mind. Before this illness I had plans for the future, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be, and now that those plans have dissolved I feel lost.

I am beginning to feel a little robotic, in that I wake in the morning, spend far too much time on the computer and then it is bed time. The days are slipping away and I have nothing to show for it. I have written before of my penchant for list writing, but even that does not produce any viable options.

I have been pushed so far out of my comfort zone that I feel that I am slipping back into a life of meaninglessness. My mind craves expansion and recreation of the memories of wonder and learning. If I do not have purpose in my life then I have nothing and fear that I will slip into the monotonous drudgery of the majority of humans upon this planet.

Without purpose and reason we have the tendency to drift along on the currents of life, until we find ourselves a few years or decades down the track waking from the dream of routine and regret. It is so easy to slip into this comfortable space and dream our dreams, but, we need to ensure that we take the action that these dreams require.

The challenge now for me, is to find something to focus on that can grow into a life that I can be proud of. Where my dreams and goals once again take a step forward. Although I have an illness that prevents me from living the life I had envisioned, I now have the opportunity to move onto a new and full life.

I have said once before that this period of my life would be a lesson that I would be grateful for in the future, and I still believe this. It is up to me to stir from the slumber I have drifted into and bring the new opportunities forward. Once again I must make a commitment to finding my life’s purpose.

Margaret ❤

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Starting Point

Well I now have a diagnosis and a new beginning point from which to launch into a new life. I have Rheumatoid arthritis. There is no cure only containment. It means a completely different lifestyle to the one I have lived for the last 56 years. It means tablets, drugs, constant blood tests, xrays, ultrasounds, bone scans. Time spent at the doctors and the specialist. Everything I dislike about health.

I actually felt a little special. When I was being examined by the Rheumatologist she called in a new registrar just to look at my hands. Apparently my inflammation was something of a wonder to both of them. Where there should be knuckles there is a lot of fluid and tiny little bumps that indicate where my knuckles actually are. My feet and ankles are swollen, my knees are worse. The pain in my body after sleeping is so bad that it takes me a few hours to be able to move around in a normal way. Too much rest it seems stiffens up my body to the point that it gets stuck, so bedtime has become somewhat of a nightmare.

I get very tired very easily but the thought of what I wake up to each morning makes me delay sleep for as long as I am able. The specialist assures me that we can control this and eventually if things work out I can go into remission. So many others do, it is just a matter of finding the right treatment. The word she used to describe my arthritis was seropositive. I had to look it up when I got home. It means more severe with more joint damage, disability and inflammation outside of the joints.

It seems when I do something I always take it to the next level. I was expecting the diagnosis, although not quite as severe as that, and while I was prepared I was not prepared for the emotions that have overtaken me since yesterday afternoon.

I cried in the room with the specialist, and I cried when I went to Centrelink today to organize a different payment to the job seeking one I am now on. My age before was a barrier to finding work, as I have been looking since September but have not got even close to an interview. 40 years experience it seems does not count when you are female and over 50. Now until I am well into treatment and the severity of it all settles down, I cannot work. I always thought that there was something I could do but it seems everything at this stage will just cause damage. Having to put my illness on a job application will also get it thrown out before it is even looked at.

So government assistance is what I need at the moment. The job seeking payment I am on does not cover the cost of my monthly rent so I have been selling all my personal possessions to pay bills and utilities. Now the new payment will be more money but I was told today that it takes from 3 to 6 months to be approved. I will run out of things to sell before I even get the new payment. Which by my calculations still will not be enough to pay for everything.

So my breakdowns of the last two days have come from the fact that I have gone from relatively healthy with a job, independent and able to live on a tight budget but still able to manage, to being dependent on a government payment that does not cover basic living expenses and with no way of finding a job to supplement or replace that payment. I am relying on the support of everyone around me, a hard lesson for me to learn.

What I need to do for the moment is to find some focus and make the decisions that need to be made. I will eventually have to move out of my home. I cannot afford it at the moment and most definitely will not be able to afford it for the next 3 to 6 months. There will also be medication, constant trips to the hospital and doctors for which I will need petrol. There is no money for food, or any basic living expenses. So getting my head around all this, while trying to stay at least a little positive and hopeful is going to be difficult but not impossible.

The decisions I make over the next few months will be so very important for the direction that my life will now take. Once the treatment starts to take affect and the pain settles down a bit, I will be able to make better and more long lasting plans.

For now with the support of friends and family around me as well as the doctors and the hospital, I will take each day as it comes. There is a reason for everything and it is now my job to work out what I am to learn from this and how I can help others through my experiences. Not the path I expected my life to take and certainly not the way I had intended to live but I have what I am given and will do with it what I can.

This will teach me to take better care of myself, it will teach me to go within for personal healing and it will take me on a journey to find my inner strength and resilience. At times I feel like just sitting in a corner and fading away, but I will not allow myself to give in that easily. This is a mountain just waiting for me to climb it, and climb it I will.

I am not ready to give up on life yet, and although I may slip back down into depression as I go along this path, I will fight to reach the top of this mountain. I will succeed in living the life that I know I deserve and that I know I can attain.

Margaret ❤

 

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