How many times when you think it just cannot get any worse, it does. From health issues to no job and as of this Sunday, no money, to my parents selling their home and not found a new one yet. Now my mother has ended up in hospital with an infection, but they don’t know where. My parents have been very stressed with all this house selling business. At their ages, 80 and 77, and having been in the current house for 18 years, this is a huge step for them.
The accumulation of stuff after 18 years has become overwhelming for both of them, not to mention my son, who every time they bring something else over to our home to store, wonders what on earth they kept that for. Their home sold within a week and I think it shocked them so much, they were unprepared for what that meant and the strain is showing with huge emotions and now illness.
She will be okay, just staying in overnight as a precaution, until they find the infection and treat it. All this on top of their worrying about me and what my son and I will do if I don’t find a job by Friday just adds to the mess that we have all found ourselves in.
It will all work out, of that I am sure, but in the mean time there is way too much stress and far too much emotion around for my liking. I am worried about my parents as well as worried about how I will pay my bills after next week. I have been here before, it wasn’t fun then and sure is not fun now. Last time something came up with moments to spare and I am sure the same thing will happen again.
While I wait for either the earth to open up and swallow me or a job to appear out of nowhere, I sit and listen to those around me. All with well intentioned advice and support. I keep being told something will turn up, but nothing is. It is so easy to sit back and give someone support, but not knowing the intense emotions and the fear that washes through me the moment I wake in the morning, makes it hard for them to truly understand what I am going through.
I have been told to apply here, apply there, all well and good, but here and there do not have any current openings, but check back every 6 weeks we may have one then. I have applied for jobs and amongst the rejection emails are the ones saying thank you for applying we will keep you in mind. My age it seems is a barrier to any sort of work, the experience is fine and if I had that experience and was 15 I would get every job on the internet.
I tried something different. I have always read tarot and oracle cards, sometimes I have been paid but more often not. So why was not doing that, you know you can do it so go and do it. another brilliant idea that would solve a lot of problems if it were achievable. There are so many out there who love to get card readings and some pay enormous amounts of money to do so. So I thought okay it is time for me to get out there and do it. I made a fancy little picture with what I offer and how much and posted it to my Facebook page.
I made the prices so cheap that a lot of readers would not bother answering their phones for, but I thought, cheaper is better until people get to know my reading style. Three people liked my post. One of my sons, a friend and a liker on my page who has had two readings from me. None of whom are in need of a reading at the moment. My picture will float about in the ether until I get so sick of looking at it with no comments of yes please I would love a reading. Then delete it in disgust and give up on reading again ever.
I tried to sell the things I own, but no one wants what I have. Sometimes I think I missed the boat completely on what is valuable to others. The things that brought me joy, don’t seem to appeal to others. Not even at fifty cents a pop. Another let down in the making and another reason to just give up.
For the last few months I have been working on writing a course. A 10 lesson course on finding and living your potential. Each time I write more within it I get excited. I love what is coming through me and being put to paper. Unfortunately it won’t be ready by Sunday, or the next Sunday. I also have no idea whether anyone would be interested. It may be another one of those things that excites me but others couldn’t care less about. Only time will tell with the course, but I know that if I tried to rush it then it would sit like my offerings of readings, somewhere out there, forgotten and lost.
So what to do now. I have tried almost all there is, the only thing left is government support, which is better than nothing but not enough to cover the rent. So still leaves me in distress and with the possibility of living in my car. It would be a total last resort and one that I do not wish to pursue.
I have been blocked at every corner lately and do not understand why. The Universe must have plans for me but as to what they are, I am in the dark. I can only hope that a miracle occurs and life can try to return to normal. These last two years have taken so much away from me and given me nothing in return. It seems that currently, my life has no purpose and seemingly no hope. I have been through enough and I am done.
So Universe, if you are listening, then I am ready. Ready for my world to bloom again. Ready to take on the new. Ready to start again. Ready willing and mostly able.
Hello? Is anyone there? Can you hear me?