Tag Archives: Letting go

Hello, Is Anyone There?

How many times when you think it just cannot get any worse, it does. From health issues to no job and as of this Sunday, no money, to my parents selling their home and not found a new one yet. Now my mother has ended up in hospital with an infection, but they don’t know where. My parents have been very stressed with all this house selling business. At their ages, 80 and 77, and having been in the current house for 18 years, this is a huge step for them.

The accumulation of stuff after 18 years has become overwhelming for both of them, not to mention my son, who every time they bring something else over to our home to store, wonders what on earth they kept that for. Their home sold within a week and I think it shocked them so much, they were unprepared for what that meant and the strain is showing with huge emotions and now illness.

She will be okay, just staying in overnight as a precaution, until they find the infection and treat it. All this on top of their worrying about me and what my son and I will do if I don’t find a job by Friday just adds to the mess that we have all found ourselves in.

It will all work out, of that I am sure, but in the mean time there is way too much stress and far too much emotion around for my liking. I am worried about my parents as well as worried about how I will pay my bills after next week. I have been here before, it wasn’t fun then and sure is not fun now. Last time something came up with moments to spare and I am sure the same thing will happen again.

While I wait for either the earth to open up and swallow me or a job to appear out of nowhere, I sit and listen to those around me. All with well intentioned advice and support. I keep being told something will turn up, but nothing is. It is so easy to sit back and give someone support, but not knowing the intense emotions and the fear that washes through me the moment I wake in the morning, makes it hard for them to truly understand what I am going through.

I have been told to apply here, apply there, all well and good, but here and there do not have any current openings, but check back every 6 weeks we may have one then. I have applied for jobs and amongst the rejection emails are the ones saying thank you for applying we will keep you in mind. My age it seems is a barrier to any sort of work, the experience is fine and if I had that experience and was 15 I would get every job on the internet.

I tried something different. I have always read tarot and oracle cards, sometimes I have been paid but more often not. So why was  not doing that, you know you can do it so go and do it. another brilliant idea that would solve a lot of problems if it were achievable. There are so many out there who love to get card readings and some pay enormous amounts of money to do so. So I thought okay it is time for me to get out there and do it. I made a fancy little picture with what I offer and how much and posted it to my Facebook page.

I made the prices so cheap that a lot of readers would not bother answering their phones for, but I thought, cheaper is better until people get to know my reading style. Three people liked my post. One of my sons, a friend and a liker on my page who has had two readings from me. None of whom are in need of a reading at the moment. My picture will float about in the ether until I get so sick of looking at it with no comments of yes please I would love a reading. Then delete it in disgust and give up on reading again ever.

I tried to sell the things I own, but no one wants what I have. Sometimes I think I missed the boat completely on what is valuable to others. The things that brought me joy, don’t seem to appeal to others. Not even at fifty cents a pop. Another let down in the making and another reason to just give up.

For the last few months I have been working on writing a course. A 10 lesson course on finding and living your potential. Each time I write more within it I get excited. I love what is coming through me and being put to paper. Unfortunately it won’t be ready by Sunday, or the next Sunday. I also have no idea whether anyone would be interested. It may be another one of those things that excites me but others couldn’t care less about. Only time will tell with the course, but I know that if I tried to rush it then it would sit like my offerings of readings, somewhere out there, forgotten and lost.

So what to do now. I have tried almost all there is, the only thing left is government support, which is better than nothing but not enough to cover the rent. So still leaves me in distress and with the possibility of living in my car. It would be a total last resort and one that I do not wish to pursue.

I have been blocked at every corner lately and do not understand why. The Universe must have plans for me but as to what they are, I am in the dark. I can only hope that a miracle occurs and life can try to return to normal. These last two years have taken so much away from me and given me nothing in return. It seems that currently, my life has no purpose and seemingly no hope. I have been through enough and I am done.

So Universe, if you are listening, then I am ready. Ready for my world to bloom again. Ready to take on the new. Ready to start again. Ready willing and mostly able.

Hello? Is anyone there? Can you hear me?

Margaret ❤

 

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Hiccups On The Path

Well this week has been a doozy. Had everything coming at me all at once. Everyone has an opinion and let me know it. I have gone from feeling excited about the future to depressed because I am not doing what everyone else wants me to do. I am not trusting spirit, I am not trusting myself and I am trying to sort everything out by myself. I should go to the doctors, I should go and get government assistance, I should just take any job that comes along.

What everyone doesn’t realize, is that they are pushing me further into my shell, rather than forcing me to stand up and do what needs to be done. The more I am nagged the more I back away. The more I am pushed the more I retreat. Just going around in circles at the moment and not getting anywhere.

I know they all mean well, they just don’t understand things from my point of view. I think I have felt like a failure for so much of my life that everyone just expects it to happen, me included. I do what I do and wait for it all to fall apart, and because I am waiting for it, like clockwork it all goes downhill.

I don’t want to take just any job, I would really like something that makes me think, that keeps my mind ticking over with possibilities. I would like to do something I am proud of instead of something to just bring in some money. I know if I take a job like that I will get stuck again, I will stay there until like the last job I am forced into leaving. I will get myself into a comfortable position and not move for another 10 years. I don’t want that this time. I want to enjoy my work, I want to achieve something. I want to feel proud of myself because I have done something good.

I had government assistance when I divorced, I stayed on it until my youngest was too old to receive it, I got comfortable and didn’t try to improve myself or my circumstances. There was probably plenty of opportunity to do so, but I got stuck and afraid to move, so I didn’t until I had no choice. When I started working again I vowed I would never go back to government assistance. It made me feel like a failure, I was a failure. I didn’t have to do anything to get it, I just got it. It made me slack, it made me lazy. Not going to do that again. I have every intention, no matter how wild it sounds, to be a completely self funded retiree. Don’t know how, but it is happening, it is what I want and what I want I manifest.

Good or bad, manifesting has always been easy. I only just made this realization in the last few months. When I want something it turns up, usually I really don’t want it so I push it away and then get upset because what I wanted was taken away. The realization that I asked for it to come and for it to be taken away was quite shocking for me to finally understand. I manifested the job I thought I wanted, down to the payrate and the hours and while I waited for it to come to me I thought too much about it. I thought about how I really didn’t want to go back to that industry, that I would become down and depressed if I took it and so with those thoughts I manifested a rejection letter.

As I cried because yet again I had failed, or thought I had failed, I realized that I asked for it. Up until that moment I had not really thought about the power I had to draw things to me and push them away. I always thought others were so good at it and they got everything they wanted and I was bad at it. Until I saw that I too, could be that powerful, I just had to be more specific.

With the trusting of spirit, I do trust spirit. I don’t trust my interpretation of what I am being shown and told. Why, I have yet to figure out, but as everything else is being shown much more clearly to me, I am sure that whatever blockage is stopping me, I will find it soon. I second guess everything and people assume that I don’t trust spirit and what I am being shown to do. Learning to trust the first thought that comes into my mind is very hard for me. It always has been. Again I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of rejection. If I get it wrong I will be rejected, so instead I think and think and ultimately do nothing.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling horrible and in pain. I had been feeling so good. I was walking a lot and my leg was getting stronger and I could walk without limping, my hands and fingers felt great. I had one day last week where I felt down after the rejection email and it manifested as pain, but I got through that and was feeling good again. I understood why I was rejected and how I had allowed that to happen, so my body started to feel great again. Then yesterday, the energy around me brought me crashing to the ground again.

I don’t even know what triggered it, I just know that I felt like I had been trampled over and everything hurt again. This morning was a little better and now as I write this I feel even better again. I think that this little hiccup was my attempt to get back to somewhere safe. I was safe with my pain, it was mine and it allowed me to not have to function properly. But it also got frustrating, so much more than it had over the last 12 months.

I know I am done with the pain, I am done with feeling sorry for myself and I am done with living like this. I want my life back, in fact I want a better life back. Over the last few days I have reminded myself of one of my grandmothers. She got to the stage where she didn’t move. Every time we visited she would be sitting at her kitchen table. To heavy to move, not caring to move. She didn’t even go to her own son’s funeral. I saw myself becoming the same, I saw myself becoming what I had never wanted to become. Because I thought about it I was manifesting it.

I want to spend the rest of my life playing with my grandchildren, having fun, taking them to places that bring joy to their lives. I want to be a hands on grandma, not a sit at the table and ignore them grandmother. So today I walked again, I didn’t yesterday because I didn’t see the point yesterday. I felt so lost and so overwhelmed yesterday that I didn’t know what to do anymore. Today I walked and I kept walking. I made myself move, I made myself think about what I want, not what I am scared of becoming.

I want to find again, the excitement I felt last week, and I want to run with it. I have plans, I have dreams and all I request is that those closest to me, allow me to follow my dreams., Let me try to find the life I have dreamed of, let me do what I am meant to do regardless of how illogical it may seem. I just want to be me again.

Margaret ❤

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Sunset Of The Old Life

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When you feel like just stopping and giving up for a while and then something happens that just spurs you on for a little bit longer. That’s how my day feels today. I am tired and feeling a bit weak today but I am not going to dwell on that. Instead I am going to focus on what is good about it.

Now I am sure that although I feel like death warmed up, that there is something positive in all I have been through in the last 16 months. I needed a rest, well I got my rest. I needed to remove myself from a less than positive work space, I resigned from my job. I finally gave in and allowed someone to help me with my healing, and although it is taking so long to heal, I feel that my attitude and mindset are somewhat to blame.

I sit here thinking, how am I going to work a full week, let alone a full day if I can’t walk properly yet. Maybe I am not supposed to go back to very physical work. I haven’t really thought too much about what will happen when the money runs out. I intend this time to allow my body to feel its aches and pains and to heal in its own way and its own time. While this happens I have the opportunity to look into different ways of earning money.

So this is where the positive part kicks in. I may not be ready for physical work yet, but there is nothing stopping me from looking at the other options which are slowly beginning to come into view. All this pain and negativity has brought me to a point in my life where I am able to make the changes that for so long I have denied.

There are many things that I can do if only I give them a try, and to limit myself to just one form of income is not a wise choice for me or anyone for that matter. There is potential for something great to be born from the last 16 months. Where before I felt strong and knew I was capable of anything, the universe has shown me that no, I am not as strong as I thought I was. This doesn’t mean that I will not recover my strength, because I am certain that I will eventually. Until that time my mind and my heart are what are strengthening.

The ideas that now flow through my mind that once I would have laughed at, are now beginning to become something that not only will work, but something that could lead, directly into my whole life’s purpose. Where before I was scared now I feel more confident. There is much within me that needs an outlet, that needs to be shared with the world around me. The plans I make now are exciting me rather than scaring me.

For now I am a work in progress, becoming what I feel I should have been all along but had denied myself because I thought there was only one way. There are many ways, many paths and so many ideas that are ready to be launched, if only we step back and allow ourselves to just be. How many ideas and how many good things have been missed out on because we felt we were not ready, nor good enough to let others know about them.

My health problems have allowed me to stop and reevaluate my entire life and put everything into perspective. My potential is only now, beginning to blossom. What I have held tightly inside for all these years, now has the opportunity to be released and be shared. So I continue to make my plans and take the little steps that will help me to achieve all that I have dreamed of for so long.

The excitement that I feel and the gratitude for my body breaking down to allow this, is something that I will never forget. My time is now.

Watch this space 😀

Margaret ❤

 

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Emerging

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Today I have been itching to do something, wasn’t really sure what, just knew I needed to move and do something. I have been sitting at home for the past few weeks, on holidays but technically I resigned so this is part of my notice. The only thing is I have been so used to working 6 days a week, that I am feeling a bit bored, a bit lonely. Sitting here at the computer or doing a little housework or just fluffing around the house and the local area is beginning to drive me nuts.

When I get bored, I know I need to make changes and so today I went back to a change that I used to do a lot. Moving the furniture around. Looking into each room of my house and seeing everything placed in the same way makes me feel drained. So moving the furniture around injects some new energy and life into the house.

So I got my paper and pencil and started to plan, I always plan and draw a floor plan to make sure things will fit before I do the heavy stuff. Now I have a clear picture of where everything needs to be moved in three rooms. It will take some work but it will be very much worth the effort.

It allows me to look at things that usually are ignored, they sit and collect dust and feel dull and dead. I now get to clean things and make them feel bright and shiny and new and if they don’t, then they go. It’s like moving house without the hassle. I get to declutter some rooms in the house and at the same time raise the vibration and energy within it.

Under normal circumstances I would change three rooms in an afternoon, but due to the current condition of my body that will not happen this time. It may take me a few days this time, but it will be done. By the time I am finished there will be bags for the op shop and bags for the rubbish and recycle bins. My ornaments and crystals will sparkle and shine and emit their energy clearly and lovingly.

As I look around the rooms at all that is in piles, or stuffed into drawers and cupboards, I feel a little down. There is so much holding me back. I had the thought the other day that if I moved into a brand new house and had the choice, what would I take with me. The answer, not surprisingly, was not very much. I am beginning to feel weighed down by the very things that I felt protected me. I felt safe with my “things”.

Now though, I feel them all crushing me, burying me deeper and deeper into a bottomless pit that I may never escape from. I am finally beginning to understand that it’s all just stuff, and stuff is not what I need anymore. I need freedom, the freedom to move without all that excess baggage dragging behind me. The things I thought I may need someday have never been needed, the I might use that’s have never been used.

All they do is collect dust and clutter up the space. I feel like I am suffocating. It’s time to move it all on. So now I will change the furniture, dust and clean, declutter and release. My energy will rise, the vibration of my home will elevate, and what I truly want will have the space to appear.

The act of letting go of possessions is hard. There is always a memory. Nostalgia though, is never a good reason to keep something. Unless it is so important that my life would go into melt down, then it probably needs to go. I have no inclination to spend the rest of my life dusting old memories. Now is the time for me to go out and make new memories, ones that I will cherish for the rest of this lifetime. Emotional memories, not stuff, no more stuff. I am over stuff.

I feel a new era emerging for me, a time where I can go out and make something special happen. To do what I was born to do. It all starts with clearing the stuff and clearing the energy. I shall emerge from the bottomless pit, excited and ready to take on new experiences.

It is time.

 

Margaret ❤

 

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A New Chapter

Today is day one of my time off. A time for me to rest, and repair the damage I have been doing to my body for far too long. So what am I going to do on these most beautiful days. When I have holidays I normally have a list of things I want to get done, so much so that I am exhausted just reading it. Not this time. This time I am going to rest, I am going to spend the time finding me.

For far too long I had forgotten who I was. What I wanted and where I was going. I was wife, mother, ex wife, daughter, employee but never me. Now as I sit and contemplate my two weeks off, I would like to find me again. I have become the thing I most wanted to avoid when I was younger. I hobble around like an old lady and cannot do anything without pain. It needs to stop, now.

I am going to be a Grandmother. I am so excited to meet this new beautiful little being. I want to be able to do things with this child, things normal grandparents do. I don’t want to sit in pain and watch while others get down on the floor to play. I want to get down on the floor and play, I want to run and play in the garden, I want to be a happy part of this child’s life.

So now as I add grandmother to the list of who I am, more than ever I need to find the real me. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to find time to visit. I want to sort out my work life balance now before it is too late. For too long I have put work first. The bills needed to be paid, the rent needs to be paid and I am it where that is concerned.

Manifesting the real me within this new life dream is not going to be easy. I have guilt to release, I have resentment to release. But I have come to realise that I do deserve more than I have and I am. The resentment I feel towards those that have what I feel I want needs to disappear. I can and will have the life I want. The bills will be paid, the rent will be paid, and there will be time to visit my family and their families. I will become a whole part of my boys lives again instead of someone that they see in between my work.

Guilt and resentment have taken over so much of my life that even releasing them will feel like I am losing a friend. They need to go, the sooner the better. Letting them go and replacing them with a feeling of gratitude and worthiness is where I am going. The inner me that for so long has not been able to express her feelings, her love and how proud she is of her family. This me is buried so very deeply but she is emerging, slowly and timidly, but still coming forward towards the life that for so long has been denied.

As this new chapter of my life begins and the excitement of a new baby builds, I will prepare myself to become the mother I should have been, but was always too scared to be, and the grandmother that I want to be and will be. I may have wasted half a life time but there are lessons to be learned within it all. Those lessons will not go to waste, I will and am becoming me again.

This time running back to the comfort of fear is not an option. This time I will break through the barriers I put up so long ago. This time I will succeed. This time is my time and I will no longer waste it. The more I look within, the more I see what I have been and can now release. The more I look within, the more I know I need the changes and the changes appear much more easily than ever before.

This time I am ready!

Margaret ❤

 

 

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Letting Go To Heal

When you get to a point in your life that every thing seems so hard to let go of, what do you do? I have held so tightly to my pain for the last 12 months that it is like tearing my heart out to release it and let it go.

My pain is like a friend, a best friend. Something I could count on to always be there. It serves a purpose, although not a healthy purpose, a purpose none the least. It enable the victim in me to be in her glee. The poor me to surface at the most appropriate time for maximum benefit. It allowed me to wallow in self pity, and all the while, underneath, it slowly did more and more damage. Damage to my self esteem, damage to my body and damage to my mind.

Today I had the most amazing healing session. It is called Ortho Bionomy, which is a healing process using gentle manipulation and pressure. It incorporated Reiki and Energy Healing. The difference between this healing and the Osteopathic treatments I have had for the last few months is astounding.

I came out feeling much more relaxed and more pain free than I have for such a long time. I could feel when I tensed up and could release it, I let it go as much as is possible for me at this time. I realised that breaking away from this relationship with my pain is for the best. It has held me too tightly for too long. I need to let it go and move on.

The gentleness of the treatment allowed me to clear a little of the madness in my mind. I cannot meditate, I fidget, I get itchy, my mind thinks of everything at once and then some. But, today I stayed still and allowed the energy to calm me and make me feel relaxed and not as anxious as normal. Although anxiousness was the first thing that was felt before the session even started, I think that by the end I felt a little less stressed.

I also managed to say out loud a few things about myself that in other circumstances would never see the light of day. That was eye opening and since my biggest problem apart from pain is my lack of trust, then trusting that speaking those words out loud was something huge for me.

Trust for me is, along with honesty, the most important thing in my life. If I can’t trust then there is nothing, and at the moment I don’t trust my body and this is why my pain is not leaving. It knows I am expecting it and so it arrives.

When I walked in the door I felt at home. It felt good, it felt peaceful it felt soft. As I drove home I realised that this was what was missing in my own home. I rent and so don’t feel attached to where I live. This is another way for me to be able to just run away when I need to or when I want to. I understand now how sterile my house feels. It is not a home it is a house and this also needs to change. I have what I need to make it a home, it is all packed away in cabinets and boxes, waiting for the elusive “when I get my own home” or “when this happens then I’ll” which in my current mindset is always in the future.

Letting go and allowing my body to heal, and to dig deeper into my own thoughts and feelings is something that needs to be done. Now rather than later. By consciously letting go of everything that I have felt and thought up until now, slowly at first, then the trust that I so desperately need will surface. It begins with turning my house into my home. By allowing all the things that bring me joy to actually bring me joy.

As I let go of the old and the pain I allow space for everything I have ever dreamed of to manifest. A new life is coming and the only thing blocking this is me. To heal fully I need to let go and so I start with something easy like my surroundings. Something not so big and scary that will have me running away to find cover. One step at a time, I am becoming me again. Fully trusting myself and allowing life to find me again.

Margaret ❤

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