I sat down to write last night and just stared at the screen. Nothing wanted to be heard, nothing felt right. This morning the same, nothing positive and energizing. Nothing uplifting and joyful. Only anger and resignation that I am wasting my time.
This morning I am angry at the world, I am angry that nothing works. Today I hate the law of attraction. It doesn’t work. I have spent so much of my life trying to be positive, to expect the best, to live in the now and to be happy. Where has it got me?
On the verge of losing my home, no job, no money, my health sucks big time and there is not a damn thing I can do about any of it.
I give up, you win universe. If your plan for me was to break through the bottom of the pit and enter new territory then congratulations you have succeeded. I totally and utterly give up. I have never in my entire life been as low as I am at this moment and I hate it. Every other time I have been this low I have managed to bring myself up and out of it, not this time.
This time I have been completely abandoned. I cannot fight anymore. I sit here in what will soon no longer be my lounge room, wrapped in blankets and gloves because I cannot afford the heat. I have no idea what to do next. I have no hope of rescue and no one to rely on.
There is only me and the huge ball of negativity that has settled over my entire life. I could sell my car to pay the rent, but that won’t last long and I will need my car to sleep in. I have tried selling the things I own and although I have sold some there is still so much that no one wants and it will all end up at the tip.
Everything I own carries the energy of my life and although I have made it to 56 years it has not been easy nor has it been fun. I no longer want nor need the possessions I have spent my life accumulating. I have not and will not talk about all of this in person, my words here are for me to release at least some of the pain that this life has brought to me.
It seems that no matter what I do it is destined to fail. Everything I have tried over the years has failed to some degree. The only positives in my life are my boys, without them I would not have survived this long.
Over the last few months I have been teased with light at the end of the tunnel, but the more I try to get there the more it moves away from me. So universe, do what you will, I no longer care and I will no longer fight. I will stay here at the bottom of my pit until I have the energy to once again fight.
When and if that time comes, I will be a completely different person. You cannot struggle for so long and lose constantly without it changing you. I no longer trust anyone, everyone has an ulterior motive. No one has my best interests at heart. So trust is gone, maybe forever.
There is only me and I can only do what I can with the energy I have now. Energy that needs to be washed clean to begin to rise from the ashes of the past and the now. Tomorrow I may feel better, I may feel worse. I will take what comes for now and allow it all to do what it will and move on again. I have tried for too long to fight it now I shall allow it to run its course and see where I end up.
I wish you all peace and harmony and the strength to live the lives you choose.