Tag Archives: recovery

Living The Lessons

The days seem to be flying at the moment. Almost half way through the year and the more I think about it, the more I feel that I have wasted so much time. The plans that were made at the end of the previous year all fell by the wayside quite quickly.

I had so many dreams and goals for this year. Especially after the year from hell that was 2016. Yet 2017 which promised a new beginning and a fresh new start, continued the same energy of last year. The more I tried to plan the more things went down hill.

Before you know it, the year is half way through and nothing has been achieved. I feel as if I have spent an enormous amount of time doing nothing and then feeling regret for letting this time slip away. Now is the time for me, and anyone else feeling the same way, to make a concerted effort to spend the rest of this year fully engaged in living in a more authentic way.

I find for myself if I decide that I am going to do something that I need to do it immediately. Otherwise it ends up being put on the back burner, along with so many other thoughts, dreams and goals. I am a list maker. I find myself lost for hours when I write lists of what to do, where to go, what to buy.

I recently cleaned out a chest in my room that was full of lined exercise books. These books were filled with list after list of my hopes and dreams, none of which came to fruition. All left to gather dust in a dark place. My habits seem to push me into this dark place where I am allowed to dream but not allowed to bring these dreams to life.

So how do you change the habits that have been with you for a lifetime? No matter what you read or who you ask, it is not a simple thing to release these habits and change your life in a quick and easy way. It takes discipline to change a habit. It takes repetition to change a habit.

After everything that has happened in the last two years, I now have an opportunity to make these changes. Knowing where to start is a problem though. I am so stuck in my ways that even now that I no longer can work, I still wake at the same time of the morning, I still shower as if I am preparing to go to work. Then I find myself sitting at the computer and getting lost in whatever I decide to look at.

Before I know it, time has slipped by and it is dinner time, and another day has been wasted. The first thing I need to do is to understand that I am not and have not wasted this time. I have spent so much of the last two years in pain that my body requires this slowing down. I need to adapt to how my life will be from this moment on. I can no longer do what I have always done.

The physical limitations have sapped my energy and the resulting frustration makes me give up at times. Now though as I find different ways to do the things I need and want to do, I tend to push myself a bit more. There is always a way to do something and if there is a way I will find it. I refuse to live the rest of my life missing out on the things I have always loved to do and the things that that I have always wanted to do.

If anything, this disease has taught me to find a new way of living, a way that very clearly I needed to understand. I fought against this for so long, but now as I make the changes needed in order to live, I have come to understand that all is not lost. I can still have the life I have always wanted, I just need to go about it in a different way.

This has been a huge lesson for me. From the pain to the financial problems to the everyday physical limitations, all this has taught me that there is a way and there always will be a way. You just have to find what suits you and how you can arrange things so you don’t feel like you are missing out on something.

As my life falls into place in a new way I look forward to the new opportunities that this disease will bring to me. It has served to push me out of my comfort zone and out of my habitual brain dead life. My hope is that the rest of this life is spent discovering new ways of being and new things to learn.

My time of giving up is over and now as I work towards making the changes that are so overdue in my life, I intend to take each step slowly and with the knowledge that I am giving myself the absolute best chance of a beautiful life.

I wish you all good living, good learning and good loving. Take a chance, make a change and look forward, no matter what, to the rest of your incredible life.

Margaret ❤

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Starting Point

Well I now have a diagnosis and a new beginning point from which to launch into a new life. I have Rheumatoid arthritis. There is no cure only containment. It means a completely different lifestyle to the one I have lived for the last 56 years. It means tablets, drugs, constant blood tests, xrays, ultrasounds, bone scans. Time spent at the doctors and the specialist. Everything I dislike about health.

I actually felt a little special. When I was being examined by the Rheumatologist she called in a new registrar just to look at my hands. Apparently my inflammation was something of a wonder to both of them. Where there should be knuckles there is a lot of fluid and tiny little bumps that indicate where my knuckles actually are. My feet and ankles are swollen, my knees are worse. The pain in my body after sleeping is so bad that it takes me a few hours to be able to move around in a normal way. Too much rest it seems stiffens up my body to the point that it gets stuck, so bedtime has become somewhat of a nightmare.

I get very tired very easily but the thought of what I wake up to each morning makes me delay sleep for as long as I am able. The specialist assures me that we can control this and eventually if things work out I can go into remission. So many others do, it is just a matter of finding the right treatment. The word she used to describe my arthritis was seropositive. I had to look it up when I got home. It means more severe with more joint damage, disability and inflammation outside of the joints.

It seems when I do something I always take it to the next level. I was expecting the diagnosis, although not quite as severe as that, and while I was prepared I was not prepared for the emotions that have overtaken me since yesterday afternoon.

I cried in the room with the specialist, and I cried when I went to Centrelink today to organize a different payment to the job seeking one I am now on. My age before was a barrier to finding work, as I have been looking since September but have not got even close to an interview. 40 years experience it seems does not count when you are female and over 50. Now until I am well into treatment and the severity of it all settles down, I cannot work. I always thought that there was something I could do but it seems everything at this stage will just cause damage. Having to put my illness on a job application will also get it thrown out before it is even looked at.

So government assistance is what I need at the moment. The job seeking payment I am on does not cover the cost of my monthly rent so I have been selling all my personal possessions to pay bills and utilities. Now the new payment will be more money but I was told today that it takes from 3 to 6 months to be approved. I will run out of things to sell before I even get the new payment. Which by my calculations still will not be enough to pay for everything.

So my breakdowns of the last two days have come from the fact that I have gone from relatively healthy with a job, independent and able to live on a tight budget but still able to manage, to being dependent on a government payment that does not cover basic living expenses and with no way of finding a job to supplement or replace that payment. I am relying on the support of everyone around me, a hard lesson for me to learn.

What I need to do for the moment is to find some focus and make the decisions that need to be made. I will eventually have to move out of my home. I cannot afford it at the moment and most definitely will not be able to afford it for the next 3 to 6 months. There will also be medication, constant trips to the hospital and doctors for which I will need petrol. There is no money for food, or any basic living expenses. So getting my head around all this, while trying to stay at least a little positive and hopeful is going to be difficult but not impossible.

The decisions I make over the next few months will be so very important for the direction that my life will now take. Once the treatment starts to take affect and the pain settles down a bit, I will be able to make better and more long lasting plans.

For now with the support of friends and family around me as well as the doctors and the hospital, I will take each day as it comes. There is a reason for everything and it is now my job to work out what I am to learn from this and how I can help others through my experiences. Not the path I expected my life to take and certainly not the way I had intended to live but I have what I am given and will do with it what I can.

This will teach me to take better care of myself, it will teach me to go within for personal healing and it will take me on a journey to find my inner strength and resilience. At times I feel like just sitting in a corner and fading away, but I will not allow myself to give in that easily. This is a mountain just waiting for me to climb it, and climb it I will.

I am not ready to give up on life yet, and although I may slip back down into depression as I go along this path, I will fight to reach the top of this mountain. I will succeed in living the life that I know I deserve and that I know I can attain.

Margaret ❤

 

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

A Change In Circumstances

Well the new year is now well underway and from my perspective there has been a change in the energy. Going from the stagnant thick and dense energy of the years end to a much lighter and more positive energy has been worth the wait.

Since my fall in the last few days of 2016 I have had more blood tests in order to find out what is causing all my pain. The results have come back with Rheumatoid Arthritis. Now I am waiting for an appointment with a specialist to see just what can be done. At the moment though, it means no working. which is making things very hard.

The rent and bills are still needing to be paid so I am still trying to sell the things I own in order to do so. Centrelink has finally come through with new start assistance but as the payment does not even cover my rent, things are still very stressful. Selling my possessions is still going to have to happen to get through this period. Until I see the specialist and get confirmation and treatment, I won’t know where I stand.

Not being able to apply for or actually do a new job is also on my mind. I get bored very easily and these last 4 months at home have been hard. Everyone loves to have a break from work but when it is forced on you it makes a difference. Whether or not I will ever be able to rejoin the normal workforce is something that will be decided by the specialist.

For the moment I am trying to find out as much as I can about this illness. I know that it is not curable at this time but I need to find out what I can do to help myself. The better I take care of myself the faster I will be able to get my life back on track.

While I wait for things to sort out I will try to concentrate on the course and book that I have planned. For the last couple of stressful weeks they have taken a back seat as I tried desperately to get the money I needed. Family have come to my rescue this month and for that I will be eternally grateful.

There have been moments where I thought, I give up. Nothing seemed to be going okay and nothing was working in my favor. Giving up though, is failure and that is not an option for me at this time in my life. I do have the advantage of being able to look at different options. Although I have been banned from working for the next couple of months at least, there is always something that I can learn which may help in forming some sort of home based income that will allow me to live while I heal.

So onwards and upwards, as this new year energy swirls around me, I intend to take advantage of it. I know that things will work out eventually. What I have asked for has happened and what I now ask for will happen. I now understand how being vague in my thoughts and ideas have lead to where I am today. From now on I intend to be more precise with what I ask for and allow the universe to improve upon my ponderings.

Be specific in what you ask for otherwise, while you may get what you ask for, you may get it in a completely different way to what you thought. I asked to be free of my job, I am. I asked for a rest, I got it. What I forgot to make clear was that I required a new job that suited my abilities and for the rest to be a healthy one instead of a forced recovery one.

Think about what you want. Be specific in what you want, then leave it all up to the universe to make your life even better than you could have imagined. What may seem like doom and gloom for me now, has the potential to turn into the best thing that ever happened to me. No more poor me, from now on it is all about using this experience as a spring board to the life I have always dreamed of.

Think about your own life. What has or is happening that you could use to make the leap into your perfect life. Find something that impels you to make a better choice, to take a bigger chance, to think a little clearer. Then go for it!

Margaret ❤

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized