When you get to a point in your life that every thing seems so hard to let go of, what do you do? I have held so tightly to my pain for the last 12 months that it is like tearing my heart out to release it and let it go.
My pain is like a friend, a best friend. Something I could count on to always be there. It serves a purpose, although not a healthy purpose, a purpose none the least. It enable the victim in me to be in her glee. The poor me to surface at the most appropriate time for maximum benefit. It allowed me to wallow in self pity, and all the while, underneath, it slowly did more and more damage. Damage to my self esteem, damage to my body and damage to my mind.
Today I had the most amazing healing session. It is called Ortho Bionomy, which is a healing process using gentle manipulation and pressure. It incorporated Reiki and Energy Healing. The difference between this healing and the Osteopathic treatments I have had for the last few months is astounding.
I came out feeling much more relaxed and more pain free than I have for such a long time. I could feel when I tensed up and could release it, I let it go as much as is possible for me at this time. I realised that breaking away from this relationship with my pain is for the best. It has held me too tightly for too long. I need to let it go and move on.
The gentleness of the treatment allowed me to clear a little of the madness in my mind. I cannot meditate, I fidget, I get itchy, my mind thinks of everything at once and then some. But, today I stayed still and allowed the energy to calm me and make me feel relaxed and not as anxious as normal. Although anxiousness was the first thing that was felt before the session even started, I think that by the end I felt a little less stressed.
I also managed to say out loud a few things about myself that in other circumstances would never see the light of day. That was eye opening and since my biggest problem apart from pain is my lack of trust, then trusting that speaking those words out loud was something huge for me.
Trust for me is, along with honesty, the most important thing in my life. If I can’t trust then there is nothing, and at the moment I don’t trust my body and this is why my pain is not leaving. It knows I am expecting it and so it arrives.
When I walked in the door I felt at home. It felt good, it felt peaceful it felt soft. As I drove home I realised that this was what was missing in my own home. I rent and so don’t feel attached to where I live. This is another way for me to be able to just run away when I need to or when I want to. I understand now how sterile my house feels. It is not a home it is a house and this also needs to change. I have what I need to make it a home, it is all packed away in cabinets and boxes, waiting for the elusive “when I get my own home” or “when this happens then I’ll” which in my current mindset is always in the future.
Letting go and allowing my body to heal, and to dig deeper into my own thoughts and feelings is something that needs to be done. Now rather than later. By consciously letting go of everything that I have felt and thought up until now, slowly at first, then the trust that I so desperately need will surface. It begins with turning my house into my home. By allowing all the things that bring me joy to actually bring me joy.
As I let go of the old and the pain I allow space for everything I have ever dreamed of to manifest. A new life is coming and the only thing blocking this is me. To heal fully I need to let go and so I start with something easy like my surroundings. Something not so big and scary that will have me running away to find cover. One step at a time, I am becoming me again. Fully trusting myself and allowing life to find me again.