Tag Archives: stress

Starting Point

Well I now have a diagnosis and a new beginning point from which to launch into a new life. I have Rheumatoid arthritis. There is no cure only containment. It means a completely different lifestyle to the one I have lived for the last 56 years. It means tablets, drugs, constant blood tests, xrays, ultrasounds, bone scans. Time spent at the doctors and the specialist. Everything I dislike about health.

I actually felt a little special. When I was being examined by the Rheumatologist she called in a new registrar just to look at my hands. Apparently my inflammation was something of a wonder to both of them. Where there should be knuckles there is a lot of fluid and tiny little bumps that indicate where my knuckles actually are. My feet and ankles are swollen, my knees are worse. The pain in my body after sleeping is so bad that it takes me a few hours to be able to move around in a normal way. Too much rest it seems stiffens up my body to the point that it gets stuck, so bedtime has become somewhat of a nightmare.

I get very tired very easily but the thought of what I wake up to each morning makes me delay sleep for as long as I am able. The specialist assures me that we can control this and eventually if things work out I can go into remission. So many others do, it is just a matter of finding the right treatment. The word she used to describe my arthritis was seropositive. I had to look it up when I got home. It means more severe with more joint damage, disability and inflammation outside of the joints.

It seems when I do something I always take it to the next level. I was expecting the diagnosis, although not quite as severe as that, and while I was prepared I was not prepared for the emotions that have overtaken me since yesterday afternoon.

I cried in the room with the specialist, and I cried when I went to Centrelink today to organize a different payment to the job seeking one I am now on. My age before was a barrier to finding work, as I have been looking since September but have not got even close to an interview. 40 years experience it seems does not count when you are female and over 50. Now until I am well into treatment and the severity of it all settles down, I cannot work. I always thought that there was something I could do but it seems everything at this stage will just cause damage. Having to put my illness on a job application will also get it thrown out before it is even looked at.

So government assistance is what I need at the moment. The job seeking payment I am on does not cover the cost of my monthly rent so I have been selling all my personal possessions to pay bills and utilities. Now the new payment will be more money but I was told today that it takes from 3 to 6 months to be approved. I will run out of things to sell before I even get the new payment. Which by my calculations still will not be enough to pay for everything.

So my breakdowns of the last two days have come from the fact that I have gone from relatively healthy with a job, independent and able to live on a tight budget but still able to manage, to being dependent on a government payment that does not cover basic living expenses and with no way of finding a job to supplement or replace that payment. I am relying on the support of everyone around me, a hard lesson for me to learn.

What I need to do for the moment is to find some focus and make the decisions that need to be made. I will eventually have to move out of my home. I cannot afford it at the moment and most definitely will not be able to afford it for the next 3 to 6 months. There will also be medication, constant trips to the hospital and doctors for which I will need petrol. There is no money for food, or any basic living expenses. So getting my head around all this, while trying to stay at least a little positive and hopeful is going to be difficult but not impossible.

The decisions I make over the next few months will be so very important for the direction that my life will now take. Once the treatment starts to take affect and the pain settles down a bit, I will be able to make better and more long lasting plans.

For now with the support of friends and family around me as well as the doctors and the hospital, I will take each day as it comes. There is a reason for everything and it is now my job to work out what I am to learn from this and how I can help others through my experiences. Not the path I expected my life to take and certainly not the way I had intended to live but I have what I am given and will do with it what I can.

This will teach me to take better care of myself, it will teach me to go within for personal healing and it will take me on a journey to find my inner strength and resilience. At times I feel like just sitting in a corner and fading away, but I will not allow myself to give in that easily. This is a mountain just waiting for me to climb it, and climb it I will.

I am not ready to give up on life yet, and although I may slip back down into depression as I go along this path, I will fight to reach the top of this mountain. I will succeed in living the life that I know I deserve and that I know I can attain.

Margaret ❤

 

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Hello, Is Anyone There?

How many times when you think it just cannot get any worse, it does. From health issues to no job and as of this Sunday, no money, to my parents selling their home and not found a new one yet. Now my mother has ended up in hospital with an infection, but they don’t know where. My parents have been very stressed with all this house selling business. At their ages, 80 and 77, and having been in the current house for 18 years, this is a huge step for them.

The accumulation of stuff after 18 years has become overwhelming for both of them, not to mention my son, who every time they bring something else over to our home to store, wonders what on earth they kept that for. Their home sold within a week and I think it shocked them so much, they were unprepared for what that meant and the strain is showing with huge emotions and now illness.

She will be okay, just staying in overnight as a precaution, until they find the infection and treat it. All this on top of their worrying about me and what my son and I will do if I don’t find a job by Friday just adds to the mess that we have all found ourselves in.

It will all work out, of that I am sure, but in the mean time there is way too much stress and far too much emotion around for my liking. I am worried about my parents as well as worried about how I will pay my bills after next week. I have been here before, it wasn’t fun then and sure is not fun now. Last time something came up with moments to spare and I am sure the same thing will happen again.

While I wait for either the earth to open up and swallow me or a job to appear out of nowhere, I sit and listen to those around me. All with well intentioned advice and support. I keep being told something will turn up, but nothing is. It is so easy to sit back and give someone support, but not knowing the intense emotions and the fear that washes through me the moment I wake in the morning, makes it hard for them to truly understand what I am going through.

I have been told to apply here, apply there, all well and good, but here and there do not have any current openings, but check back every 6 weeks we may have one then. I have applied for jobs and amongst the rejection emails are the ones saying thank you for applying we will keep you in mind. My age it seems is a barrier to any sort of work, the experience is fine and if I had that experience and was 15 I would get every job on the internet.

I tried something different. I have always read tarot and oracle cards, sometimes I have been paid but more often not. So why was  not doing that, you know you can do it so go and do it. another brilliant idea that would solve a lot of problems if it were achievable. There are so many out there who love to get card readings and some pay enormous amounts of money to do so. So I thought okay it is time for me to get out there and do it. I made a fancy little picture with what I offer and how much and posted it to my Facebook page.

I made the prices so cheap that a lot of readers would not bother answering their phones for, but I thought, cheaper is better until people get to know my reading style. Three people liked my post. One of my sons, a friend and a liker on my page who has had two readings from me. None of whom are in need of a reading at the moment. My picture will float about in the ether until I get so sick of looking at it with no comments of yes please I would love a reading. Then delete it in disgust and give up on reading again ever.

I tried to sell the things I own, but no one wants what I have. Sometimes I think I missed the boat completely on what is valuable to others. The things that brought me joy, don’t seem to appeal to others. Not even at fifty cents a pop. Another let down in the making and another reason to just give up.

For the last few months I have been working on writing a course. A 10 lesson course on finding and living your potential. Each time I write more within it I get excited. I love what is coming through me and being put to paper. Unfortunately it won’t be ready by Sunday, or the next Sunday. I also have no idea whether anyone would be interested. It may be another one of those things that excites me but others couldn’t care less about. Only time will tell with the course, but I know that if I tried to rush it then it would sit like my offerings of readings, somewhere out there, forgotten and lost.

So what to do now. I have tried almost all there is, the only thing left is government support, which is better than nothing but not enough to cover the rent. So still leaves me in distress and with the possibility of living in my car. It would be a total last resort and one that I do not wish to pursue.

I have been blocked at every corner lately and do not understand why. The Universe must have plans for me but as to what they are, I am in the dark. I can only hope that a miracle occurs and life can try to return to normal. These last two years have taken so much away from me and given me nothing in return. It seems that currently, my life has no purpose and seemingly no hope. I have been through enough and I am done.

So Universe, if you are listening, then I am ready. Ready for my world to bloom again. Ready to take on the new. Ready to start again. Ready willing and mostly able.

Hello? Is anyone there? Can you hear me?

Margaret ❤

 

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Navigating Change

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It’s been a very long and draining week. Feeling like I need a holiday to just get away from all the stress and worry. This week has been full of ups and downs and I think I am ready for some gentle energy to wash over me and everyone around me.

I woke up this morning feeling okay, thought it was Saturday and not sure why. It is a public holiday here for the Melbourne Cup so that must have had some influence on where my thoughts were when I awoke. The energy around me lately has been really good, very upbeat and positive but this morning when I woke I felt flat and could feel myself slipping even lower. Luckily I can see this happening now, and can attempt to pull myself back up again. It has taken me all day though. I have been a little over emotional and cried at a few things I read on Facebook. I feel overly tired even though I have not done a lot in the past few weeks.

I have however, walked a lot. My legs are getting stronger and my wrists feel a lot better today than they have for quite some time. I can now pick things up without dropping them, my fingers also have more strength. This healing of my body has taken so long and there is still more to go, but I think I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. The walking has done me so much good, it has been hard and I am sore when I finish but it has loosened the muscles a little and I feel stronger.

On top of all of this, my parents sold their home and now we need to pack it all up. My parents have stuff, lots of stuff. Not much of it useful but just collecting dust stuff. All of which needs to be packed up and stored at my house and my sisters house until they find somewhere new. My ex husband ended up in hospital having blood transfusions, so my boys have all been stressed and worried. All of it contributing to one very long exhausting week.

Apart from the lowered energy of the day, things seem to be easing off a bit. Hopefully at the weeks end things will be back to a relatively normal state. In the mean time I am working on trying to keep myself one step ahead of the emotions that are threatening to take over. If the last year and a half has taught me anything, it is, that I am much stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. The ability to see how I react and respond to what is around me has allowed me to make changes that were well overdue.

When you finally begin to see who and how you really are it can be very eye opening. I now see things I do that make me cringe and wonder why I had not noticed it before. It gives me the opportunity to learn more about myself and to understand why I do what I do. This is something that I feel everyone should have the opportunity to do, but most never get the chance. Some are just so deeply ingrained in the version of reality that they have chosen, that they rarely see how they are.

If everyone could, just for one moment, actually see how they are, I am sure they would take a step back like I have, and make the changes to bring their lives into a more balanced friendly space. The world would look so different if everyone of us lived at the right level of energy. Imagine how beautiful it could be.

For the rest of this week I am going to concentrate on raising my energy to a level where I feel wonderful. It is going to take some effort but I am determined to get there. No more allowing the world around me to bring me down. I will continue my walking, because it gives me strength and helps me to heal and the sooner I heal, the sooner I will be able to work again. As to what work I will be doing, I am not sure yet. Unfortunately there are not a lot of jobs around for older women. Experience seems not to count in the field I have worked in for so long, youth and cheaper pay rates are more important. I will not allow it to get me down.

I have faith that something will arrive when I am strong enough to do it. I am open to any type of job at the moment as long as it challenges my mind and does not bore me into a stupor. I like the idea of learning something new and adding to my skill set. I do not, however, want to be put into a position of having to do something that makes me depressed and lowers my energy. I have spent far too many years doing what I needed to do and now I would like to do something that makes me jump out of bed in the morning and to look forward to the work day.

I know it is out there and I am totally manifesting it into my space.

Margaret ❤

 

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