I have always been a bit of a loner. Always took the back seat whenever I could. Stayed in the background at parties. Didn’t want to be at the parties. Never had a lot of friends at school or elsewhere. I have one awesome friend who does not live near me but no matter how long it is between speaking, it is as if it was yesterday.
So for me allowing what I am feeling and what is happening in my life to become public knowledge is very hard. I use this blog as a sounding board, a place to let all my inner thoughts come out. I never expected anyone to read it. I never expected anyone to care.
When it comes to my problems, I keep them to myself. My life has been a mixture of the good, the not so good, the bad, the absolute pits and now. Over the years I have tried everything. Law of attraction, thinking positive, affirmations, and although they work for a little while, sooner or later my world comes crashing down again.
I have lived this cycle for so many years it is hard to remember what life was like before it all fell apart. I must have had dreams and goals, plans for my perfect future, but somehow along the way I have given them up. I have always picked myself up and tried again, always.
This time is different. This time I need to end this cycle because this time I haven’t got the energy to get back up. So much has happened in the last two years. Everything that I worked hard for is gone, every dream has evaporated. What is left is complete despair.
Still the inner urge to try one more time is there. I know I need to try again, I just need to know that it is not another waste of time. That when I get myself back up that I will stay there, not come crashing down again.
So how do I trust that things will work out, when they never have before? How do I trust the people around me to do the right thing, when they never have before? How do I pick myself up and start again with the knowledge that this cycle may begin all over again? How do I break this cycle when I am in the midst of the deepest depression I have allowed?
There are those around me with my highest good in their thoughts. Those that have words and ideas, but from behind my wall that is all they are, words. They make no sense to me at the best of times and at the worst make me feel inadequate and useless and a failure.
I understand they are trying to help, but from my viewpoint it feels like a waste of time. In my eyes it does not matter what I do or do not do, this cycle is never ending and I cannot escape. This is my battle and although the help is there if I need it, and I do, I still feel it is my responsibility to handle it.
I got myself into this continuing cycle of misery, ups and downs and I am the only one who can pull myself out of it. Sure there are times when I am up and things appear to be going well, but always in the back of my mind there is the thought that something is coming to destroy it. How can you succeed if you are always expecting failure?
I am currently sitting here with my future in someone else’s hands. I have no control over what will happen to my home, my life, my family. All I can control is my reaction to it all, and at the moment I am weak and that reaction is not helpful nor promising. On top of the depression and the fear there are tablets. More tablets than I have ever taken in my life. Tablets that are supposed to be helping with my rheumatoid arthritis but are also damaging other parts of my body.
These tablets are also affecting my mind, my memory and this upsets, frustrates and scares me. If I come up with a solution that I would like to try, I am told by others that no you can’t do that it won’t work. It’s not going to work unless I try it and at the moment trying is all I have.
I am standing on the edge of a cliff not knowing if what I do will tip me over or what others tell me to do will tip me over. I am stuck, trapped in my own little pit of sadness and helplessness. I need to find a way out and it has to be of my choosing. This I know for certain now. I will listen to what others say, I will be guided by their thoughts and their ideas, but ultimately it is my choice and my decision.
If I am to escape from this cycle it has to be by my own will. I have to stand up once more and try again and again and again. I must never give up, that would just lead to permanent destruction and that is not something I will allow. My stubborness will not allow me to fail no matter how long it takes and how many steps backward I take.
So once again I am standing up and taking a step. Who knows how long this will last, but while it is there I will do it. Each time I must get stronger, right? The aim for now is to try and get one part of my life working again. Any part will do. Then I can take the next step and focus on another part, then another.
Allow me to choose and most of all do not push, for I will fall back to where I was and stay there just to despite myself. Wish me luck.