Tag Archives: Thoughts

Facing The Truth

It has been over a month since I have sat down to write and still I am not sure what I can write about. The last few months have become so dreamlike as I work to keep myself in reality. The time has flown by so quickly. I almost feel like I have taken a holiday from the real world.

Even sitting here now I do not feel totally here. This disease and the financial and medical issues that go along with it have taken its toll. I go through days of wishing to have my old life back, which is not an option nor is it one that truthfully I want, to trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life.

The old life was a job I grew to dislike intensely and so this disease whilst painful and limiting also served to push me from the comfort of that unwanted life. Although we say we want change, we want the new, it is still a very hard job trying to get yourself to take that step. The fear that goes along with the new can sometimes keep us trapped in situations we no longer want but leave us frozen in a space that feels comfortable.

While I did desire a new beginning and a new life I could not take that step out of fear of failure, fear of not having enough money, even fear of what a new life would bring me. In the end because I could not take that step myself, the choice was taken away from me. I was forced into a new way of being, which was painful on so many levels.

Now I face a future where nothing is guaranteed. I feel like a teenager about to leave school and wondering what do I want to be, what do I want to achieve in this lifetime. I have pondered these thoughts constantly over the past few weeks and although ideas pop into my head, none of them seem to be achievable at the moment.

I struggle daily with the lack of independence, with the lack of choice and with the problems of a body that is not able to be and do what my mind knows is possible. The intention of doing some housework or something creative or even go for a walk is destroyed by the fact that my body is not capable of it. To go from being independent and able and in control to fatigue, constant pain and the anger that comes with it, is stressful and soul destroying.

I know there is something out there for me to do, I just need to find it. When I do I know that the sense of purpose will return and my life will once again have meaning. Until then I try to defeat the negative thoughts and try to stay as positive as possible.

My withdrawal from the world and the reality around me is serving to at least allow me to think a little more clearly than I have over the last year. As things fall into place around me and I understand what my life now is, I begin to come to terms with it. Once I have control of my thoughts and feelings then my life’s purpose will appear and I will embrace the meaning and lesson of this disease and its role in bringing the changes that were so desperately needed.

I will eventually give thanks for this time in my life as the catalyst to a new and beautiful time. Remember to always be careful with your thoughts and words. If you cannot take the steps to go after what you want, that choice will be taken out of your hands. You will get what you want but it may be in a completely different way to what you envision.

Margaret ❤

 

 

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Choosing The Good Thoughts

Well hasn’t this year moved fast? February already and still most of us are trying to process the year just gone. Before we know it we will be celebrating another new year.

When another month begins I always have the feeling that I have wasted the month just gone. I have so many things that I want to do, need to do and plan to do and then time just gets away and the month is over.

I am a list maker, but over the last year or so my list writing has stopped. While I no longer have a pile of exercise books full of my hopes, dreams, wants and needs, I sort of miss the cathartic experience of just writing things down.

Earlier this year I started a the 30 Days to Love Your Life course by Mike Dooley. The creator of Notes from the Universe and the Tut Adventurers Club. While I was excited about it all it went in the end, the same way a lot of things have gone over the last two years. Another pretty notebook with the first 4 days done and then the doubts of what I had written and chosen crept in and I procrastinated on moving to the next lesson.

I still have the links and I really am determined to go through the whole 30 days at some point, but things happening around my family and my health have taken priority for the moment. Still I have used these excuses for so long that anything that I attempt in order to improve my life always falls back on them. I have so many links to websites and You Tube channels, Facebook pages, blogs and courses, that I will probably never have enough of this lifetime to get through them all.

The problem with having so many is that I don’t know which one to start first, and so I attempt to do many at once. All of which leads to a less than determined effort on my part to learn anything from them. There are so many different avenues of self improvement that it is hard to settle on the ones that really stand out for me. I start one and get bored very easily, especially if it is something that I have attempted before or know something about already.

So I have felt for a few months now, more than overwhelmed with my surroundings and my possessions, both physical and virtual. If I could I would just take my most treasured possessions and just walk away from the rest. My home has become cluttered with things I thought I needed or things that might be needed in the future. I look around and feel trapped by what before has brought me joy.

I always said that one day I will win a lottery and buy my own home, and I will get everything new for this home. Only taking that which is special or strongly sentimental with me. I pictured for years the rental homes I have lived in, being upended and everything falling out. Leaving a clean slate in which to start my life over with.

Well the lottery win has not happened, yet! But the urge to upend the house and start again has become much more strong than ever before. Those who know me or read my blog regularly know of my situation and that I am currently selling some of my possessions to cover bills while I sort out my health issues.

Seems to me that I have been again, given what I asked for. I wanted a clean slate and now I have to sell things to survive, which will leave me with not very many possessions at all. Ask and you are given, again I was not specific, another lesson in this.

I have to say though that the thought of everything I own going to a new home and leaving me with the space and sanity to create something new, is exciting. The chance to start my life over, although enforced, is something that I have wanted for such a long time. My life had become monotonous and the rut that I was in was getting deeper and deeper. So the illness, the joblessness and the forced decluttering of my home and mind was something that I had longed for and asked for many times.

Now the challenge lies in taking advantage of this opportunity. I have for months, been in a poor me mentality and finally now I understand the whys of the situation and the possibilities for the future. I have been told there is no cure for Rheumatoid arthritis, but that to me is a challenge and when I am challenged I will try everything I know to succeed.

For now, I will declutter my computer and choose only those files and folders that excite me, sell my possessions that no longer have a place with me and as I clear my life and mind, the new ideas and goals will come into view. As Mike Dooley says, “Thoughts do become things, so choose the good ones” The good ones are what I am now tuning into and what I will achieve.

For those interested in Mike’s Notes From the Universe and other courses and books.

http://www.tut.com/

https://www.facebook.com/mikedooley

Remember to always check your inner thoughts and if it is negative, change it because you always get what you ask for. Good or bad.

Margaret ❤

 

 

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