Tag Archives: Trust

Fractured Employee Loyalty

Yesterday was my last official day at my job. Due to the medical issues I have faced for the last 18 months or so, I have had a lot of time off. I have worked 4 days in the last 8 weeks and have used up all my holiday pay. I still have long service leave to come, which should have been paid yesterday, but that’s another story.

For 10 years I have worked there, the longest I have stayed in the one place. I amazed myself by being so loyal to one company. Why, I have no idea. It seems the more loyal I am the more I feel disillusioned and defeated. I have spent many moments over those 10 years wondering why, if I worked so hard, was I rewarded with having the rug pulled out from under me. I came to understand that it made no difference at that work place, nor would it make a difference at any other workplace. Money is the bottom line and if you have working hours that can be targeted and reduced easily, then you are the target.

It’s a small company and you would think that the staff members would, after all this time, be closer than those working in multi national companies. I know I have written before about not feeling part of the family. That feeling has been strengthened by the last two months. Not one person checked to see if I was ok, or if I was healing. I saw the boss once a week to collect my pay and that was it.

Now it is all over and I just have one more amount of money to collect. I am not surprised, but a little disappointed, that I could spend ten years with these people and not one of them cares enough to even say goodbye and good luck. Reinforces the feeling of being the outsider, which is what I have felt deepen over the last few years.

Will I be as loyal in the next job I take? Probably not. I have said that before though. I promised myself before I began this job 10 years ago that I would never again work hard for someone who does not appreciate what I do. I don’t need to made a fuss of, I don’t need to have certificates that prove how well I can do my job. I just wanted to know that my work was appreciated and not repaid with less hours because I was an easy target.

I have had so much time to think about my life and what I want to do with it, but it kept been intruded upon by thoughts of that job. Would anyone else put up with the things I put up with, just to be loyal to the company. Instead of being paid out on my final day like all employees should be, I am being made to take it weekly. I even have to sort out how much it is and how it is taxed etc. I understand that they may not have the cash flow available with which to pay me all I am owed, but I am very sure that they would not ask anyone else to do it this way.

Am I such a pushover?  Why do I continue to be loyal to those who no longer want me around and those who never made me feel welcome in the first place? Yes I did resign my job, but I felt that there was no choice in the end. The healing that is needed is taking much longer than I expected and once again hours were to be cut, which typically meant me first and me the most because mine are the easiest hours to eliminate. My chiropractor and I have finally sorted out where the original injury occurred. It was at work. I fell off a pallet last year. I thought I was okay so didn’t get it checked out. That in hindsight was a huge mistake. If I had myself checked I could have had the treatment needed and would now be alright, but instead, I thought about the company first and myself last. The injury is recorded in the injury book and had a witness but now it is much too late to do anything about it.

The new job I have applied for, has a medical examination connected to it. I am not sure if I could pass a physical at the moment. I am slowly getting better and my strength is coming back, but some days are still hard. even though this job is still retail it is not as physical as the one I have just left. Today the thought of going back into retail depressed me in a way that I haven’t felt for a long time. Would I get the job? Today not likely. Would I take the job? Probably, so I could relax about the money side of life. Would I be happy? No definitely not.

I am thinking that just maybe I could work for myself. I have some plans and if they come off, then life will be wonderful. I have to put a lot of effort into it to get it started but the effort is mental, spiritual and heartfelt, not physical. I do know that my loyalty would not be abused if I worked for myself, so it is an option.

For now I will still apply for outside jobs as I work on what I have planned in my mind. I will remember the last 10 years, not for the people I worked with, but for the experience I gained. I will move on completely and leave it all in the past, which is where it now resides. Even though I never felt it, I know I was a valuable member of the staff. No one can ever take that away from me, but I will never have the level of trust in someone again. That is a lesson I have learned completely this time around.

For me, this is a time of huge transformation. A time where I can map out and work towards a new life. one in which I am in control of what I do and how I do it. One where the trust is with myself and with the faith that I am capable of much more than I have done in this lifetime. Whether it is part of a team or by myself, I know I will be much more guarded and aware of what is happening around me. I will not trust that things will be done the right way. I will protect myself and my rights. This job has made me realise that hard work gets you nowhere. I had it proved over and over again and still allowed it happen. From this moment on I will work smarter instead.

Margaret ❤

 

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Trust And Allow

I am very logical. I write lists, I plan things carefully. I park in the same place in carparks. I put my shoes on the same foot first and my socks and my pants. When I tap my fingers on the table, it is in an order, not random, a pattern. Everything from the head, not from the heart.

I was reminded today by a wonderful lady and healer, that I need to work from the heart. I’m not sure I know how. I get so used to things being the way they are that I forget what the other options are. For those that read my blog, you will know I have had physical problems with my leg and hip for the past year. I am getting to the stage where I can walk almost normally, but I am finding that doing that is not as easy as it should be.

I can feel and see myself limping when I know I don’t need to, not always at least. I think I have forgotten what normal feels like. I know I still have the fear that my leg will not hold me up and with that uncertainty there may be pain. I do not trust my body to work in the way that it should. Fear is still a huge factor in my life and with that fear and lack of trust I have become a stagnant little pool of helplessness.

Everything is out there just waiting for me to say yes, and I say no by retreating back into the comfort of pain and misery. Why would I want to stay in pain and misery, because it is known. Because it is safe. Because I know where I stand. Because I am afraid to take that step towards my dreams. So today’s reminder of my readiness for the new life I envision, is once again an opportunity to make the changes needed.

I have had so many opportunities over the past few years to make these changes, but I always manage to crawl back to the safety of my cage. A cage built from fear and unworthiness. A cage that must, this time, be demolished once and for all. I can no longer retreat for I see now, finally, what I am doing to myself. Before I never saw it until after I was safely back in my cage, and then felt a disgust for myself and a pity that one should never feel for themselves. Now I see it as it happens. I can stop myself, although not completely yet, from retreating back completely. Rather than pity, I try to boost myself. I am proud of the fact that I have come far enough to see the damage I do to my self esteem and my emotions as it occurs.

Now it is time for that next tentative step. One small step that has the potential to change everything. One that will open my life and my eyes, one that will allow my dreams to finally come true. One that will allow me finally to be the person I have always had hidden away behind a thick wall of fear. One step, that is all it takes, just one small step full of fear and anxiety, but one that must, this time, be taken. For without this step I will forever be trapped in a self made cage of plans and dreams that have no chance of ever becoming real.

Am I scared? Absolutely! Am I afraid of what others will think? Absolutely! Am I afraid of what others will say? Most definitely! For me it is now or never. I must move now, there is no other way for me to go. I must have faith in those in spirit around me, those who guide me and love me no matter what. Most of all I must trust that all will work out in a way that has been a long time coming. Most of all I must allow.

Fear rises up as I type this. It sits on my chest like huge weight. I am tense but I am breathing and I will release this weight and allow my life to be as it will.

Margaret ❤

 

 

 

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