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Navigating Change

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It’s been a very long and draining week. Feeling like I need a holiday to just get away from all the stress and worry. This week has been full of ups and downs and I think I am ready for some gentle energy to wash over me and everyone around me.

I woke up this morning feeling okay, thought it was Saturday and not sure why. It is a public holiday here for the Melbourne Cup so that must have had some influence on where my thoughts were when I awoke. The energy around me lately has been really good, very upbeat and positive but this morning when I woke I felt flat and could feel myself slipping even lower. Luckily I can see this happening now, and can attempt to pull myself back up again. It has taken me all day though. I have been a little over emotional and cried at a few things I read on Facebook. I feel overly tired even though I have not done a lot in the past few weeks.

I have however, walked a lot. My legs are getting stronger and my wrists feel a lot better today than they have for quite some time. I can now pick things up without dropping them, my fingers also have more strength. This healing of my body has taken so long and there is still more to go, but I think I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. The walking has done me so much good, it has been hard and I am sore when I finish but it has loosened the muscles a little and I feel stronger.

On top of all of this, my parents sold their home and now we need to pack it all up. My parents have stuff, lots of stuff. Not much of it useful but just collecting dust stuff. All of which needs to be packed up and stored at my house and my sisters house until they find somewhere new. My ex husband ended up in hospital having blood transfusions, so my boys have all been stressed and worried. All of it contributing to one very long exhausting week.

Apart from the lowered energy of the day, things seem to be easing off a bit. Hopefully at the weeks end things will be back to a relatively normal state. In the mean time I am working on trying to keep myself one step ahead of the emotions that are threatening to take over. If the last year and a half has taught me anything, it is, that I am much stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. The ability to see how I react and respond to what is around me has allowed me to make changes that were well overdue.

When you finally begin to see who and how you really are it can be very eye opening. I now see things I do that make me cringe and wonder why I had not noticed it before. It gives me the opportunity to learn more about myself and to understand why I do what I do. This is something that I feel everyone should have the opportunity to do, but most never get the chance. Some are just so deeply ingrained in the version of reality that they have chosen, that they rarely see how they are.

If everyone could, just for one moment, actually see how they are, I am sure they would take a step back like I have, and make the changes to bring their lives into a more balanced friendly space. The world would look so different if everyone of us lived at the right level of energy. Imagine how beautiful it could be.

For the rest of this week I am going to concentrate on raising my energy to a level where I feel wonderful. It is going to take some effort but I am determined to get there. No more allowing the world around me to bring me down. I will continue my walking, because it gives me strength and helps me to heal and the sooner I heal, the sooner I will be able to work again. As to what work I will be doing, I am not sure yet. Unfortunately there are not a lot of jobs around for older women. Experience seems not to count in the field I have worked in for so long, youth and cheaper pay rates are more important. I will not allow it to get me down.

I have faith that something will arrive when I am strong enough to do it. I am open to any type of job at the moment as long as it challenges my mind and does not bore me into a stupor. I like the idea of learning something new and adding to my skill set. I do not, however, want to be put into a position of having to do something that makes me depressed and lowers my energy. I have spent far too many years doing what I needed to do and now I would like to do something that makes me jump out of bed in the morning and to look forward to the work day.

I know it is out there and I am totally manifesting it into my space.

Margaret ❤

 

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Fractured Employee Loyalty

Yesterday was my last official day at my job. Due to the medical issues I have faced for the last 18 months or so, I have had a lot of time off. I have worked 4 days in the last 8 weeks and have used up all my holiday pay. I still have long service leave to come, which should have been paid yesterday, but that’s another story.

For 10 years I have worked there, the longest I have stayed in the one place. I amazed myself by being so loyal to one company. Why, I have no idea. It seems the more loyal I am the more I feel disillusioned and defeated. I have spent many moments over those 10 years wondering why, if I worked so hard, was I rewarded with having the rug pulled out from under me. I came to understand that it made no difference at that work place, nor would it make a difference at any other workplace. Money is the bottom line and if you have working hours that can be targeted and reduced easily, then you are the target.

It’s a small company and you would think that the staff members would, after all this time, be closer than those working in multi national companies. I know I have written before about not feeling part of the family. That feeling has been strengthened by the last two months. Not one person checked to see if I was ok, or if I was healing. I saw the boss once a week to collect my pay and that was it.

Now it is all over and I just have one more amount of money to collect. I am not surprised, but a little disappointed, that I could spend ten years with these people and not one of them cares enough to even say goodbye and good luck. Reinforces the feeling of being the outsider, which is what I have felt deepen over the last few years.

Will I be as loyal in the next job I take? Probably not. I have said that before though. I promised myself before I began this job 10 years ago that I would never again work hard for someone who does not appreciate what I do. I don’t need to made a fuss of, I don’t need to have certificates that prove how well I can do my job. I just wanted to know that my work was appreciated and not repaid with less hours because I was an easy target.

I have had so much time to think about my life and what I want to do with it, but it kept been intruded upon by thoughts of that job. Would anyone else put up with the things I put up with, just to be loyal to the company. Instead of being paid out on my final day like all employees should be, I am being made to take it weekly. I even have to sort out how much it is and how it is taxed etc. I understand that they may not have the cash flow available with which to pay me all I am owed, but I am very sure that they would not ask anyone else to do it this way.

Am I such a pushover?  Why do I continue to be loyal to those who no longer want me around and those who never made me feel welcome in the first place? Yes I did resign my job, but I felt that there was no choice in the end. The healing that is needed is taking much longer than I expected and once again hours were to be cut, which typically meant me first and me the most because mine are the easiest hours to eliminate. My chiropractor and I have finally sorted out where the original injury occurred. It was at work. I fell off a pallet last year. I thought I was okay so didn’t get it checked out. That in hindsight was a huge mistake. If I had myself checked I could have had the treatment needed and would now be alright, but instead, I thought about the company first and myself last. The injury is recorded in the injury book and had a witness but now it is much too late to do anything about it.

The new job I have applied for, has a medical examination connected to it. I am not sure if I could pass a physical at the moment. I am slowly getting better and my strength is coming back, but some days are still hard. even though this job is still retail it is not as physical as the one I have just left. Today the thought of going back into retail depressed me in a way that I haven’t felt for a long time. Would I get the job? Today not likely. Would I take the job? Probably, so I could relax about the money side of life. Would I be happy? No definitely not.

I am thinking that just maybe I could work for myself. I have some plans and if they come off, then life will be wonderful. I have to put a lot of effort into it to get it started but the effort is mental, spiritual and heartfelt, not physical. I do know that my loyalty would not be abused if I worked for myself, so it is an option.

For now I will still apply for outside jobs as I work on what I have planned in my mind. I will remember the last 10 years, not for the people I worked with, but for the experience I gained. I will move on completely and leave it all in the past, which is where it now resides. Even though I never felt it, I know I was a valuable member of the staff. No one can ever take that away from me, but I will never have the level of trust in someone again. That is a lesson I have learned completely this time around.

For me, this is a time of huge transformation. A time where I can map out and work towards a new life. one in which I am in control of what I do and how I do it. One where the trust is with myself and with the faith that I am capable of much more than I have done in this lifetime. Whether it is part of a team or by myself, I know I will be much more guarded and aware of what is happening around me. I will not trust that things will be done the right way. I will protect myself and my rights. This job has made me realise that hard work gets you nowhere. I had it proved over and over again and still allowed it happen. From this moment on I will work smarter instead.

Margaret ❤

 

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Moving On

When does it become apparent that it is time to move on? How do you know for sure that what you are feeling is right? Are you imagining what is going on around you? How uncomfortable do you have to be before you finally realise and say enough?

I have been in the same job for 10 years. It has changed a lot over those 10 years. The things I loved to do were taken away from me. Not because I did not do my job properly or that someone else was better at it, but because they are family and family has to come first. So I moved on to other duties and responsibilities and again they were taken away from me. Still I persisted and accepted the other jobs until I am at the stage where I am so unhappy and so uncomfortable that there seems to be no other choice but to leave.

For a long time I felt like those I worked with were friends, I was wrong. I have been left out of so much and never even knew it. I didn’t know when someone was going on holidays or where they were going. Everyone else did. I didn’t know the boss’s son was engaged, everyone else did. I didn’t even know one of the girls moved house, everyone else did. When I find out anything at all it is from the customers. It makes me feel so sad inside to finally understand that I am not and never have been a part of the family.

My job now consists of cleaning up after everyone else, and I mean everyone. I am so low on the ladder that I cannot even see the bottom rung anymore. If I don’t do what the others expect of me I get lectured. Not by the boss mind you, but by another staff member. It does not matter that I have been in constant pain 24 hours a day 7 days a week for over 6 months. No, I am not pulling my weight. I am not doing their work so they can have it easier.

I am at the point where I feel sick when I arrive in the carpark. I dislike walking into the shop. I watch the clock intently waiting for it to be home time, so that I can go somewhere I feel comfortable. My energy evaporates and what strength I currently have leaves me as soon as I walk in the door. My mind goes to the cleaning I have to do, the mess that needs to tidied up and put away. The bending and stretching that is required but causes pain.

So how do you move on from that, how do you stop and understand what is going on around you and make the changes required. I know I need to leave, for my own well being and sanity. I should have left a long time ago but felt obligated to stay. I felt like I was letting people down. Mostly I thought I was helpful and doing my job but all the while others were knocking my feet out from under me without me even noticing.

So now it is time for change. Not sure what to do and how to even begin to make the changes. I cannot simply up and walk away, life as it is forbids this. There are bills to pay, the landlord would like his rent paid, food to buy, and other commitments that cannot be just let go of.

For now, while I decide what it is that I want to do, as opposed to what I need to do, I will become stronger. I will keep to myself. If my colleagues do not wish to share with me, then so be it. I will make my plans and will execute them at the appropriate time. I will strengthen my energy field so that when i walk in the door a wall of doubt and negativity does not hit me in the face.

I will choose to have the life I want to have. Because choosing is the only way for it to happen. Wishing and dreaming do not have the power to make the major changes I am considering, it must be a choice. A soul based, heart led choice. One that will elevate my vibration and lead me to that which is waiting for me to accept it.

I will concentrate on the positive parts of my life. I will accept my pay check with gratitude and humbleness. I will pay my bills and my landlord with thanks for what they provide me. I will make my plans, I will make my changes, i will succeed in living the life I know I can have.

I have allowed this lower energy to suffocate me for far too long and now it must change. I see it and I feel it so deeply that it must be so. A new beginning is here and it is time to embrace it and to run with it. If you feel as stuck as I have then there is no other choice but to make that move, take a step. I will let go of the old and allow the new to enter. Now.

Margaret ❤

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